Emotionally Drained!

@blackbeauty84 Yea for our conservative parents, get us educated & letting us be the way we want was only a BIG thing. They put me thru too much to explain, the equation may never workout, they are really headstrong. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

@nolife Nothing will change her, her attitude nor things will change my parents, its only me trying to pull the strings, trying hard to sort things, I should just give up for my own good, my own peace, dream of having a normal family may not happen with all, & its perfectly fine, I need to accept this & move ahead, let people be.

 

@ashneys

[QUOTE =You getting married early was not your mistake, your mistakes are...

- Letting your parents or others bully you for their failures when it came to your sister, all that blaming is a lame excuse to keep people off from pointing at them, so they are ok as long as it's you because why should you alone be happy when they are feeling miserable? Don't let anyone feel bad or guilty for you living your life..[/QUOTE]

I have always been that one kid at home, who lets go things, who is always adjusting, who compromises on things because your elder sister doesn't understand & your brother is the youngest & laadla of the house so keep adjusting all life, right from the most basic things of life to almost everything around. For once, only for once I put my foot down & said I want to marry him & definition of "ME" completely changed at home. I have got nasty & dirty names from my own mother who claimed I pretended & did drama all my life to be a perfect daughter. So yes, I have sensed this, they always had me to blame, may be someone had to just say it to me. Cant thank you enough!

[QUOTE =- guilt - feeling like you are to blame for anything that went wrong in your sisters life is wrong. She runs away when things gets toUgh, how's that's your fault. understand that she is not a child, she made her decisions then and she can make it now without you spoon feeding her...[/QUOTE]

I dint realize at a young age but I was never treated like a kid at home, though I was not elder one, I was always treated like an elder one, ALL my life. Every damn thing at home, decisions of the house, everything I was involved, I was expected to be there, expected to support. May be this is the reason I feel responsible towards her, its more like I am her elder sister than vice-versa. Its sad, its stupid but this is just in me, but now I have stopped, I know I cant control one's life, wt she does in life is where it will take her, I have no control over it.

[QUOTE =
- enabling her - it is said that there is always an enabler when one continues to go down a bad path instead of doing anything abt it. If your sis has to hit the rock bottom to start climbing up, let her hit it. You will help her only if you stop helping....[/QUOTE]

I realized this few months back, denied financial support & told her I cant keep doing this for long time. She said she has nothing to eat, she also needs to pay rent, I just told these are challenges of life, so face it. It was very hard for me, but I knew this was the time.

[QUOTE =-
If anyone points finger at you anymore, point it right back at them. Ask them to tell future prospects that you got pregnant before marriage so had to get you married and that you are the black sheep of the family. Done! Will that make them happy?....[/QUOTE]

Last time in conversation with my aunt, she said I spoilt my sister's life and ****, I simply told - "About right doing & wrong doing, I don't need to justify anything to anyone, there is one sitting above of us(almighty) watching over & I know I have my count right with him, our lives are the proof of our karma. Everyone will pay for things they do in this life time, they pay it right here."

Anyway, these things have stopped effecting me now, initial days of marriage was very difficult, but I have got over a lot of this crap now.

[QUOTE =-Take a break from her. Don't talk to her on the phone. If she doesn't have you to talk, she will reach out to your parents or some friends as she won't have anyone else to talk.
Tell her you are doing something or going somewhere or your dh is angry that you can't be reachable or speak to her for a while.?..[/QUOTE]

I have been doing this not because she is asking money but sometimes its overwhelming for me listening to her crying on the phone, I feel so helpless. With the hope that she wont become emotional if we don't talk I keep our conservations low, for some reason she has stopped using whatspp so I call her only during weekends if I am free.

[QUOTE =Focus on your dh and your family. Just because he is a nice guy, that doesn't mean you can take it for granted and spending money behind his back. Would you be ok if he does this behind your back? Is this all worth risking your marriage? or hurting him? or him to lose faith In you? Do you really want to put him through all this disappointment, pain and secrets? If things turns bad, where can you even go back to ? A family that blames you for everything or to the sister who needs you to do everything for her?[/QUOTE]

This is my BIGGEST fear now, he knows what's going on, he knows about the money part too, not completely though, he is mad at my sister & my parents for everything they have put me thru, but he still talks to her well, he doesn't tell me anything but deep inside I know how he feels. Disappoint him is the last thing I wanna do & yes I know my family is just not worth it. But kya kaare, blood is thicker, I make strong decisions & again melt away in my emotions after a while. This time I want to stay stronger & stick to my decision.

[QUOTE =Until unless you deal this with firm hand, you will be the loser in the end. Lose money, lose peace, lose respect, risking your marriage and in the end when she rejoins the family, she will get everything and you, nothing. So it's upto you.[/QUOTE]

I already went thru this a few months back. So when she stepped out of the house & was all alone. It was me & dh who helped her but after 6 months when they decided the wedding part (one she broke) I was not informed at all. Only after everything was finalized she told me it was happening, I was very happy for her but for sure felt ignored, she dint think about me when she had that guy & family around. I know nothing is worth risking my marriage.

Thank you for your valuable inputs & taking time to go thru the post. Your input has given me a new direction of thinking!

 

I think I can really relate to your thoughts, that's exactly what's happening, my deepest feelings, thoughts & beliefs are changing, believe its all for good, this journey of realizations is painful somewhat but I know its much needed at this time.

I don't expect anything from my family, like you said I only wish them happiness & a good life.

I wish I had just one friend like that, unfortunately I don't, cant really think of anyone who would not judge the situation. Saying no is still manageable but the after conversations are the real struggle. This mrng I got a wtsapp message asking some small amount of money, until noon I kept thinking of phrases to reply, finally gathered courage to say no but the conversation turned like those "good-bye" convo's, I still fear but then I reassured myself this was needed, just told her since she wont be using fb, wtsapp or any other apps going forward, i'll call her during weekends.

Yea I need to learn the art of keeping it neutral, something I am really not good at! :/

I think I am living half my life like this today. I m always thankful to the almighty for everything he has given me, better life, better job, a wonderful husband. But at the most important times when I should celebrate my success & happiness I end up being depressed that I have a good life & they don't. I know its stupid but I feel bad nobody else apart me is happy in my family.

I am expecting this will automatically happen since I have maintained my record of saying no from past 2 months.

Hoping the same! Thank you for your soothing words, I am glad to be here, there is someone to listen & respond!