Emotional versus practical thinking

shrutidunwoody · Mar 26, 2010

Hi friends

While writing this post i am in a very depressed state. As i told you before, me and my husband are in U.S. My husband is well settled here. I dont have a career here but i have got adjusted to the h4 life here. If i was given an option i would readily agree to settle down in india.

Now my problem is i dont gel well with my inlaws . When they had come in U.S. i had seen the situation where i was alone and my dh and my inlaws were together. i felt my dh as sandwich between me and inlaws. At one time we had a major fight where my mil had told me a very harsh word which i can never forget in my life. I dont think so my mil even remembers what she has told me. Now they have forgotten about it and i am also trying to let go only for my dh.

Now i am pregnant and it is our first child. My dh had a talk with inlaws the other day and they told him that its time in some time you guys come and settle here when your kid grows say 2yrs or so. For that my dh told them that for that first the relation between you both and my wife has to be good. For that they told him that we didnt have any problem with her and she only does not talk with us well. Actually from my side i fell they dont talk to me well.I try to talk to them but communication does not happen properly. They say we try to talk to her but she does not have interest to talk with us. Now poor my dh is confused.

fil told my dh that he wants us to settle with them in india together intially ,see for six months whether we gel up good and then if not they will leave their house in bombay for us and then move to their native where they already have booked a house for them.fil expressed his desire that when our future kid grows up he will leave him or her to school where i and my dh will work peacefully.

I dont know what to do. First of all i had already told my dh that i want to live seperately be it being a side neighbour and my dh has agreed to that.I can just see the future where i am going to be left out and they will act in the same manner and then it would be very difficult to tell them that i dont want to stay with them . I know they will say we dont have any problem with her then why she is making a fuss.

And secondly i dont want them to leave their own house for us.Instead i prefer being with my dh in a seperate house. I am ready to visit them daily with dh but i cant stay in a suffocated enviroment with them.

Before marriage i used to tell my mom very proudly that be it anything i will always be with my future inlaws and stay with my dh with them in a very happy way.However bad they are i am going to mould them. People are going to see my example. But now i am the same person who is running away from them because in some way or the other i am really hurt by them.

I just feel like crying and feeling bad and dont know whether i am taking a good , bad decision. Seperating son from his parents, or maintaining future harmony. Emotionally when i think i just want my dh to be happy no matter what and i know his happiness is in staying together but practically i think its not going to work out and once i agree to stay , i wont be able to come out of it. I have seen my mom in the same situation where she was not been able to come out, i am so scared to put my hand again in the same fire.

Sorry friends for the very very long post. But please give me suggestions where me and my dh and live happily.

Foundlove · Mar 26, 2010

Dear Shruti,
First of all this is in the future and so you need to relax about this.Don't bother yourself about it as you are pregnant and need to take care of child first.

Even if you move after 3-4 yrs who knows what will be the situation.Dh knows about your issues and supporting you.

So relax and when time comes decisions can be made.If Ils are ready to forget..you can try. Wait and see and you will know.

Don't confuse DH further talk to them in front of him and so he knows who is not communicating properly.

FL

shrutidunwoody · Mar 26, 2010

Hi Foundlove

I just now spoke to my mom and she also said like you that it is a question of another 2 to 3 years. But i really feel bad for my dh because he loves me and his parents a lot. I just dont want to say yes now and then say no in the future and deceive them. I just want to be clear from the beginning.

I dont know whether i am right or wrong but just want everybody to live peacefully. Till now i am away from my inlaws so i have no problem.

I just feel living together will make problems in future. So just plan to live seperately. But i have promised my dh that i will let him visit them daily no matter what and if possible i will also accompany him.

Anyways thank you for your reply and as you said i will not bother myself and take tension.

shrutidunwoody · Mar 26, 2010

Hi friends

67 views and only one reply. I would be happy if you would give me some more suggestions.

smart_soul · Mar 26, 2010

Dear,

Why think about the future and spoil the present peace. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Now is the time to relax and not think about the future and boggle your mind.

Also when your in-laws are telling that they'll move out if things don't work out, it means that they are open to communication. So you can also communicate directly or through your hubby that you'll stay close to them but not together. They may blame/curse for a few days/months. But then everything will fall in place.

In any case, thats future.. What if that doesn't happen and you guys settle down here..., So don't get too anxious.. Just relax ..

Priya16 · Mar 27, 2010

For that my dh told them that for that first the relation between you both and my wife has to be good.

Click to expand...

First thing you husband shouldn't have this expectations and this expectation shouldn't be kept as criteria to move to India.
Second thing you shouldn't get worry about the whole things. As the time goes by we get mingle more with in-laws and they also get to know more about us and they also bend little bit. So with the time the relations may get better who knows. No one knows. When you have kid, typically you will be busy with kid and you may not have much time even to talk to them even when they are here.
There will be lot of issues only in initial years of marriage.
Since you have more time to move then you can tell your expectations to your husband. You both can live in same apartment complex but in different apartment. That way the grandparents can enjoy the grand kid and you will have your own family. When they really get old then you all can move together and you can finish your responsibility. But tell your husband that doesn’t keep the expectations that everything will be alight. There are always issues between wife and husband and kids and parents and MIL - DIL.Only you need to work on the issues and find solutions.
But now keep peace and don't think about it much. Since they are also trying to work on their part so it will be easy for you to convey anything.

Ammu1204 · Mar 27, 2010

Hi,

I think we cannot define any relationship as good or bad..we need to work on any relationship be it with our parents or inlaws and keep working on it as the life goes by.

We do generally fight with our spouses and they do have same habits as their parents which we may not like but we do not think about living seperately right??

So i guess since you dont have wierd or torturous inlwas you can work on your relationship accept them with their annoying behaviour ( we may also have few annoying habits which they may not like )

When we get married all of us want to be involved in their lives as part of their family but sometimes we feel that they are involving too much into your personal life and when left alone we feel they are ignoring us..

Since you have not mentioned any kind of abuse from your inlaws you can try from your side to get invloved and if it does not work then you can always stay seperate.

I feel you can give them a chance !!

asuitablegirl · Mar 27, 2010

First let me say, you're pregnant.... relax and think happy thoughts!

Secondly, just because you don't want to live with your inlaws, doesn't mean you are seperating son from parents. He already seperated when he became an adult and got married and started his own family with you. That is a natural progression in life. So don't feel bad that he has taken a natural step of setting up life with you in a seperate home from parents.

Since you want to live in a seperate home, then that's what you should do. Don't dwell on why you feel that way. Just accept that you feel the way you feel, and not everything has to be rationalized into words. Simple! You only have one life to live, live it so that you are in peace. I STRONGLY believe that home is our haven from the world, and we shouldn't do anything to disrupt the home environment.... if inlaws living with us disrupts the peace, then living seperate is the best option for all.

However, you have come up with a good solution of living seperate, but close by. I think that is a decent solution that works for many people. Don't feel bad that your 'husbands happiness' hasn't been fulfilled. Your happiness counts too girl! You aren't expecting your husband to live with your parents, so he needs to let go of his expectations that you'll live with his. Better to nurture relationships at a distance, then destroy them by getting too close for comfort.

Anyways, you have some time to think what you want to do. But don't feel like you need to have a 'reason' for every decision you make. Sometimes it feels good just to do what you feel is right for you, even if that feeling is just a pang in the gut that says 'hey, this is what i want!'

shrutidunwoody · Mar 27, 2010

Thank you foundlove,smartsoul,priya ammu and suitablegirl for your wonderful advises. Yes definetely i will try to remain cool and not think of future now.

And 2 things i really liked what a suitable girl said just because you don't want to live with your inlaws, doesn't mean you are seperating son from parents. He already seperated when he became an adult and got married and started his own family with you. That is a natural progression in life. So don't feel bad that he has taken a natural step of setting up life with you in a seperate home from parents Don't feel bad that your 'husbands happiness' hasn't been fulfilled. Your happiness counts too girl . In the morning i was really feeling bad for my dh and was just thinking about future.
Thank you for understanding my problem.

I love my dh very much and he has done a lot for me here since he knows that i am on h4 visa so he makes sure that i dont feel depressed and lonely. Sometimes he leaves me at the bookstore so that i can remain busy. He calls me from office everyday and if i call him several times he never gets irritated. If he is busy ,he will tell me in a very polite manner and will call back as soon as he is free.

So i just feel i have to give my best to him when we return. Only thing is that i dont gel with his parents.Sometimes with his parents around he also acts differently.So i am a bit scared of staying together. Even if we stay seperate, i will make sure that he visits his parents often.

Thank you once again for your replies.

Renu1999 · Mar 27, 2010

HI,
I think even when I was pregnant I used to think a lot I don't know why. Remain quiet and don't get stressed at all . It is not worth it. This pregnancy period wont come again and again and forget about all worries. It is hard but worrying during pregnancy is not good for your son/daughter just keep that in mind.
Two years from now god knows maybe your inlaws might say we dont want to live with you....Let us hope. .. :drowning