dowry system?

sayanka · Jun 3, 2009

rGuys,I have been reading different problems that our il friends are dealing with after marriage.I wanted to know how many of you support the concept of giving dowry to the groom's family and if it is not marked as "dowry", about giving things such as furniture, branded dresses etc during marriage?
during my marriage, my dad planned to get my DH usual stuff like all suits,dresses and other mens jewelries .along with furniture etc.so he bought a few of those things .Meanwhile my DH, who was talking to me everyday over the phone started telling me he likes only this particular brand stuff or that brand(all the brands he mentioned are top of the line international brands or European brands), how he doesn't like indian brands etc.I felt bad seeing his attitude and was wondering that attitude really doesn't go with his family background and social status.(I taunted him a lot after my marriage about his big talk and told him I couldn't find a single Geogio Armani suit or a designer brand boxer in your wardrobe , some of them are even pure desi brand so wth?)they are from ordinary middle class family , but always talk big as if they are some special people...anyway we looked for what he said he likes, couldn't find a lot of em while shopping and some were a way beyond our budget. My dad was ready to buy them, But I was very strong not to indulge this kind of attitude, felt like some third party is trying to rip off my retired dad.about furniture , I was not up for that as we were going to settle abroad, what is the point of buying those things.But I didn't oppose in the beginning to secure my post married life( sounds selfish huh?) .when my dad asked my fil what types and sizes of furniture they like and all, he called my DH(I came to know later during a fight with my DH) .I don't know what he has actually said to my DH, but next day my DH called me as usual me and said we don't want those thing.we have plenty of good things...My six sense said though he is saying that for the sake of leaving an expression that they are educated and modern enough not to take anything from bride's family, he was angry as we were not nodding our head and saying "yes boss " bluntly to his BS. I actually felt he was trying to humiliate us with his underlying statement " we belong to superior class(that's what they love t think,don't know why), you can't afford to give us things which will match our standard". He even said if we offer him anything, he will think over this marriage stuff.
I became stubborn from that point and decided not a say a thing about it like a forgotten chapter and said okay if that's what you wish. he was even intervening in every thing , like my wedding dress , our side arrangements and venue etc.I was so hurt , wanted to cancel the wedding , but it was too late and at the age of 23 I didn't have enough strength to cancel the event and let down my dad as he was not doing well. But I decided if he says another thing about it, I'll call it off, but won't give a penny by any means... Today we are a happy couple and we fought a lot in the begining over every small issue which I think was because he couldn't say anything about that issue, so tried to find a reason to throw his tantrum and I never took his temper for granted.I didn't say anything to my parents ever about what and what not he told me , but they probably guessed.
Gradually we avoided those kind of topics and started getting along well.He was too proud about his parents and family(i don't see any good reason behind that.except for my DH, they don't have much education, nor wealth,culture or social status,they lead a very very ordibary life but try to convey that they have an extravagant lifestyle and taste. ) anyway now my DH understand how cheap and mean their parents are and they have nothing better to talk about other than finding faults in others and discussing who owes how much wealth.
Good thing my DH has changed a lot and he still has a taste for good and classy things , but that disgusting attitude and superiority complex were completely gone.Probably he underestimated me and my family with a though that we are not giving things as he specifies because we have financial crisis that I am not admitting.But I made myself clear again and again it is about what I believe in, I though you were wrong then, I still stand by that.Even today, i won't tolerate any such nonsense.
The fact is my side is well educated, cultured and well-settled people , but none ever expresses that with their behavior.
anyway when my fil came to stay with us, he kept saying how good furniture they have given during my SIL's wedding,but no one is there to use as they don't live ther.May be her MIL is using the bed and almirah etc. or her bil's would be wife will be using them...this kinna cheap talk.It was so cheap, I said what is point of giving them if you knew she won't be there to use them and it is in your mind 24?7 that they are probably using those stuff... all BS.

Long back My DH and I was fighting over something and he said at the hit moment that no one can say I demanded anything from you all...in future when I'll go back and decorate our newly bought house, probably I myself have to buy all the furniture.I was so shocked to hear his tone that I forgot to tell him "what else do you expect.. it is your property, your house, why do you expect somebody else will be sponsoring you interior or furniture.do you expect that from your parents? All their live, they have only asked for or expected things for you, didn't spend a penny even on your education.what right do you have to say such a thing".(in this context my ils gave me sarees ad a jewelry set ,all crap, which they are very very proud of, But I never touched any of them yet).
Anyway that was the only time he said that and never ever again.But I still remember his line and conscious about what's in his mind.
Just shared my experience, love to hear from you all.

Malyatha · Jun 3, 2009

Hi Sayanka,

Please do not get me wrong, but I think you are over-reacting.

I know of quite a few women whose parents bought items that they could not afford in the least, even getting into debt, to please their in-laws. Compared to these experiences, yours is really not that bad. The fact is that neither did your in-laws ask you for any stuff nor did your family oblige them. Now, whether they wanted 'dowry' or not is a different issue, the bottom line is that they told your family (through your DH) that they did not want anything and that was how the pieces fell. No luxurious items or goods or money were demanded or changed hands. EOS.

Coming to your FIL's boasting about the stuff they gave your SIL, that is usual in-law bragging and pride. So what? It doesn't mean anything. He may just be letting you know that they got their daughter well-married. And, really, how many people, in this day and age, are humble, keep a low profile, and do not attempt to pass themselves off as something that they are not??? MANY people like to boast about their cost of living and indulge in false pretenses, and your in-laws are no exceptions. You should just ignore their idle boasting -- laugh it off, so to speak, and even feel sorry for them that they feel the compelling need to talk about their non-existent lifestyles. In reality, such talk is not only just harmless but also almost pathetic when you really think about it.

Don't sweat the small stuff, Sayanka. Unless something REALLY affects you, ignore it. Life is too short to spend being irritated about silly things like your in-laws' empty boasting, false pride and fake posturings. There are much bigger things that you can focus on and which are a better value for your time. What you write about here, unfortunately, is not one of these things.

Visu2k · Jun 3, 2009

Sayanka, on one hand you tell us that your DH has changed since your marriage in a way that you like him better now. You know what, we all do small changes in our life to suit to people who matter to us most and your DH has done that for you and you should feel happy about it. Also many of us don't like others to nag us on our mistakes and ourselves having to change under duress. We would rather prefer to change ourselver on our own - your DH is doing that and it is quite good. You should feel happy that being with you, has made him a better person.

I take it that even if you mentioned all those issue in detail, I believe, you are not the kind that would hold past things in mind and bring them up often. This is very important, as we can't let the past ruin our present. Digging things from past just causes more bitterness. I am not saying we should completely forget all bad things said and done to us, it is just that we are just helping ourselves and no one else by not always digging from the past.

As regards to dowry - it is a very touchy issue. I won't make sweeping statements here, as many couples have had accepted dowry as one of the basis of their marriage just like many couples who hadn't. For some (especially women) the fact dowry was demanded in their marriage remains an uncomfortable truth. But once married, it is my opinion, that they should not dig up too much on that and move on. They too were parties to giving dowry irrespective of whether they are willing or not. They should have plainly refused when dowry was demanded, but they didn't. So it doesn't make any sense to keep the bitterness in mind and still continue with marriage. It only causes further issues.

That said, I feel that, giving dowry is as much an evil practice as demanding dowry itself. There will always be people that demand dowry with a false sense of entitlement so far as there are people who feel obliged to give it. Giving gifts to near and dear ones out of love and affection should not be confused with demanding (and giving) egregious and outrageous sums of money and property, straining livelihood of girl's parents.

crazykat · Jun 16, 2009

hi sayanka,

I can understand ur situation very much . I too underwent something very similar. My DHs family is also OK-OK types family where only my DH was well educated and no one in his entire family was doing well. And everyone was like village type. But during marriage talks,they were acting as if their's is the best family in the world and it was my realllllll luck to get into their family. The reality being, my family was more educated and well-settled. My Mom was a working lady ( an engineer in those times) , my dad was doing gud. My bro and many of my relatives were very settled in US in very good positions. My in-laws and my DH were like, its ur golden chance to go to US after marriage ..WTH??? and they were always bragging that they r very modern and forward thinking n blah blah blah but wen in comes to dowry, just ask whatever whims and fancies they have. The biggest shock came to me when my hubby told over fone to me frm US that they r marrying me for free and that I am very lucky in that aspect. Hell broke on me wen i heard those words. I too wanted to cancel the wedding..but being 23 yrs and my Dad was already tensed abt my marrige so I let go..Of course my hubby is a very sweet person n after marriage I told him how foolishly he behaved, he said yeah true, i shudnt have said such things..
the truth is my in-laws n even in some cases my hubby is like old-fashioned village types who think that if a girl is wearing lipstick, she is very stylish and modern and cheap in character..God!!! wen will people change.. but all in all, I luv my hubs coz he accepted that he was being stupid n all . That definitely takes a lot of courage.. n Know wat? my parents r visiting us in a week and I asked them to get some utensils, so my Hubby said, y do u want them to waste money , we can buy wen we go to India!!
But the impressions made during marrige time can nevre be changed, sometimes I get so irritated wen i think abt my in-laws and the idiotic demands they had...As if they are ROYAL KINGS and we are slaves....!!