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Dowry is good or Bad

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Madhurima, Nov 8, 2007.

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  1. Madhurima

    Madhurima New IL'ite

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    Hi,
    This is Madhu,I know definetly for evey single Indian women who grew up either in India or anywhere in the world, either to you personally, or someone you know, has talked or think or read or saw about the sitautions regarding to Dowry( Also in Midren language included costly wedding, Costly gifts, repeated asking gifts).How do you feel about it
    You think it is Must thing, we have to give
    or think it is Share of property
    Thinks it makes safer in the Inlaws House and relatives
    Just try to share why think its good, if you say no why not.Its not about the feminist, i think this is one of the problem, i can say everysingle family is facing in one way or other way.It is a social problem.Somebody has to step up who is that?????????????

    Regards,
    Madhu
     
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  2. CharuKaur

    CharuKaur Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Madhu

    A nice topic to have been brought for discussion!
    i have friends belonging to different parts of India, different religions and castes; and the dowry tradition seems to be a part of all but in different forms. However, i strongly disagree with it. :mad:

    the girl's parents have to part from their beloved daughters on their weddings - their biggest asset is already being driven to the groom's house then why the need of expensive gifts/money!! :spin

    What to do about it - i believe, its basically us women who are providing oxygen for this practise to continue - in the form of MIL, SIL etc who expect dowry!! And i would say that encouraging more women to disallow either the taking/giving of dowry could eventually lead to the downfall of this meaningless custom. Doesnt it frustrate you that your parents have to send n numnber of gifts/riches to your in-laws , on every single festival during the year - all through their life!!! Absolutely senseless to me. :bangcomp:
    I am sure with the coming generation of educated ladies like us, rituals like these would lose their ugly shine!

    Amen
    Charu..
     
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  3. SunitaGN

    SunitaGN New IL'ite

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    I don’t think there is anything at all ‘good’ about dowry system. And I must agree with you that the definition of dowry does not stop at a demand for hard cash/property, it includes the subtle and straight demands for a big wedding, costly wedding gifts, expectation of costly gifts for every festival following the wedding etc.
    All the so called good reasons from the groom’s side include “We did that for our daughter’s marriage, so why not expect for our son’s marriage?” – If you did that for your daughter’s marriage, that was your problem. It has absolutely no relevance in your son’s marriage. Brings to my mind an old saying “Look for the thing you lost at the place you lost it” – no use trying to look for it somewhere else:notthatway:, it’s senseless and will never yield success.
    Another view is “It is the question of our reputation that the wedding should be held at the amazing wedding hall costing 2 lakhs per day.” Okay… the bride’s family is talking of booking a Rs.50,000 a day hall, if you don’t like it, then pay up the rest of the Rs1,50,000 and then go ahead and enjoy the wedding in the amazing hall.
    “After all he is our only son”, :idontgetit:ya so? Now, that becomes her family’s problem?? If he is your only son, chances are you anyway approved the best bride available on the market – the one who is the prettiest, from the best family background, most highly educated etc etc. So it goes without saying that they have spent as much love, energy, money and time on bringing up their daughter as you have done for your ‘only’ son. So then why expect them to go the extra mile still?? They are as good as you in everything.
    One of the oldest and uncultured ones is “Their daughter will be happy” :spin– this excuse for demanding dowry sound very relevant to those who make it/believe it – but honestly I think it is a nothing less than a threat! I don’t even want to waste my energy typing against this one.
    It is to be realized that respecting groom’s side during weddings (which must be reciprocated, by the way) and ‘worshipping’ them are two different things. While the first one is absolutely required, the second one is not to be expected.
    Also, in India the bride’s family themselves must realize these things first! They just go on showering his folks with silk sarees, jewelry, coolers in summer and heaters in winters forever and then say “We give them so much, yet our daughter does not look happy”… Hello….. now please don’t misunderstand me. I don’t mean to disrespect their sentiments. I have been fortunate enough to have been blessed with the best parents any child could have needed/wanted and fortunately also with in-laws who treat me more like a daughter from the very beginning of my introduction into the family:) – so I know how badly parents want their daughters to be happy and what all they can do to ensure that. But giving her in-laws too-expensive-to-even-afford gifts is not one way to ensure that!!
    Ironically, before coming to US I was not aware of so many financial related problems occur between in-laws. It is only after coming here that when I made so many friends and each has her own horror story related to their pre-wedding, wedding, and post-wedding periods. I feel so sad and unhappy at the plight of such innocent/ignorant girls’ parents, foolish and arrogant mens’ families and the helpless bride stuck in between…… To me nothing is good about such dowry.
    I really do hope so Charu!!
     
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2007
  4. Madhurima

    Madhurima New IL'ite

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    Thanks Charu nd Sunita for reacting to the Subject.I accept with you.we have to keep looking more coments on this and keep posting our discussions.What are the ways we can come up to change atleast one person, not exactly change atleast to feel it what we are doing,I even think lot of people don't even want to think and talk about it, because their daughters are not going to get married.But it is definetly the girls has to step up.Just for example(even though it doesn't happen) if allthe girls can say no, whom do they Marry????????????????If cooperative Groom's has to give helping hand in reacting to the things,as they are the one who is the main responsibilty for all these, not telling their parents and aslo not sharing the feelings of bride!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like the Mom's Boys.
     
  5. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Madhu,

    Its basically the ladies and the society in general who are responsible for dowry.

    I am sure many of the girls also must have come across a situation in their family, where during their brothers marriage her parents must have indirectly asked for material things or must have accepted whatever the girls parents gave them during the wedding.

    But how many of us dare to say if the brother is getting married that whatever you want to give, give it in cash or jewels to your daughter or make an FD for your daughter the amount that you would like to spend for her...and we will accept only "Shagun".

    If the girl is coming from a mediocre family, then how many of us are ready to say that give 5 pairs of clothes & maybe some basic jewellery which is a must only to the girl.

    I am also aware of families who have accepted only "shreefal(coconut) & sava rupiya" as shagun from the girls family and all the expenses being met by the boys parents.

    I have also seen people having simple wedding with close friends and relatives and then a good reception...thats it no other frills attached. Maybe at home they have different functions for 3-4 days like mehendi, haldi etc...but then its only close family. No show offs.

    So instead of trying to change others...lets change ourselves when given a chance. Coz many a times we see such incidents happening in our family but we are not able to raise our voice.

    Roopa.
     
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  6. Madhurima

    Madhurima New IL'ite

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    You are tru Roopa, changes has to come from Indiviual, to family to Society.I strongly agree you.When you came out through it you get more stronger to tell to others.Thats what i did, i told to my husband before getting married about my views to Dowry he agreed, so as parents.Then i got more stronger when i acheived my self, then so as my sisters followed and later cousins and couple of friends.Remember this is not something feminism, or voice or something.Iam thinking this as a problem, where every one has to duty to think about it.Some times it is hard to chage family, but it is esy to change your self and society.

    Madhu
     
  7. SunitaGN

    SunitaGN New IL'ite

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    Me too, I agre with that sentiment. Apart from that the girl and her family must step up, it is also the groom's own responsibility to stand against it firmly. Many a times, girl's parents can actually afford the expenses so their thought is "If our daughter likes the guy and we can forsee her happy future in this relationship, then why crib about something which we can afford anyway." For them it is not a big deal, because it is just like buying their beloved daughter yet another toy, dress or movie for which they never cribbed so why complain her and spoil her chances of happiness (again, I am not justifying this type of thinking, but this is a fact) and the girl keeps telling them don't spend, don't give them gifts etc, but the parents don't listen due to this thinking of theirs. So I believe it is the job of the groom to step up and put a stop to this. Tell them he respects their senitments of giving (whether or not he acknowledges and mentions the "expectations" of his own parents), BUT no, their daughter's happiness does not really depend on the unnecessarily expensive gifts. It's upto him to control his parents' demands and yet ensure the bride's parents that he will take care of their girl even without all the pomp and show.

    My two cents.

    Thank you.
     
  8. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Nowadays its glorified and called as helping daughter and SIL. In laws no longer openly ask for dowry. They just ask can you give them such and such a thing(obviously very expensive).Also when they are themselves not ready to shell out their closely guarded money,then huge amount for son and DIL.It doesnt make the daughter safe in in laws house. Only their greed increases. Especially if the girl is from a well to do family.
    The only way to put a stop to this is the girl and girl parents being firm on their stand on no dowry. Nowadays girls earn same or more than the grooms. Her education is a blank cheque for in laws.I personally tell my parents not to entertain any demands from my in laws. In marriage my parents just did the necessary. My in laws do show greed. But I put a stop to their greed when i see it coming.
     
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  9. rohinis

    rohinis New IL'ite

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    Its almost 2008 and the discussion is about dowry being good or bad!!!! Grow up. There are better things to discuss and promote.

    Haven't we seen enough already? Dowry is bad.
     
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  10. puni88

    puni88 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi,
    I think the daughters have grown up....
    Its the problem with older people who asks or gives...
    If somebody would get a free money/gifts etc why not people would take it or demand for it....
    In my marriage also the dowry was an big issue...
    My MIL was demanding so much... but my parents didn't give a single cent except the marriage cost...as I was working and we were totally against it.
    Later I had face tough situation at my in-laws place.
    Everybody used to talk bad about me and in co-sister's and their parents used to make fun of me and my parents etc...
    Its all depends on the family and their background.

    ~Punitha
     
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