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domestic violence- what to do?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by needhelp123, Apr 26, 2010.

  1. needhelp123

    needhelp123 Silver IL'ite

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    Hello,

    I am a 27 years old married woman and in big trouble.
    My husband has verbally, emotionally and physically abused me.
    Right now I am safe and staying at my parents house.

    My husband wants me to go back to him and he promised me that he won't abuse me anymore.
    But I am not able to trust him.
    I want him to do some therapy. He has to realize that he is having a big problem.
    He said he would like to go with me to some marriage counsellor.
    This is good but in my opinion he has to find first a way to control his anger after that we can go to marriage counseling.

    What do you guys think?
    Right now I am just afraid that he abuse me again. I am not able to bear it.So I can't join him now ...

    Does anyone know where we can get help in Bangalore?
    I don't know if there is a proper "therapy" for abusive men.
     
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  2. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    I really donno if there's any such therapy... cos he must already be 30 if you're 27, and its very difficult to change a person.
    The foundations that are laid only decide the longetivity of the building.

    He may attend a few and get some initial level corrections which might wear off with time & difficult circumstances.
    Such promises hold good until a child comes in, then more pressures & society which tells the gal to accept a few things for the child.

    Be safe & stay with your parents for atleast 6 mnths before you take any further decision... on this relationship.. take utmost care that u dont get preggo... do you have a child yet ?
     
  3. svb

    svb New IL'ite

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    Can u elaborate , till what level the violence went ?
    I think I may be able to advise accordingly..
     
  4. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Needhelp,
    Yes you are right ..an abuser never changes.Marriage counselling will not change him.if he goes to anger management for 1 year then maybe.Please listen to me..I am a victim of ABUSE and I stayed for 7 miserable years with him..everytime he would fall at my feet and cry.But he still did it.

    I left him but I was too late and there are so many scars(emotional) of those times that is hard to fill. Please don't go back..you are right ..he will NEVER CHANGE. I left when a close acquaintance got murdered by her spouse.


    Here is an article..please read.
    http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/


    Take Care..
    FL
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2010
  5. needhelp123

    needhelp123 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for all your replies.

    My husband is 29 years old and we are just married for two years, having no kids.
    First everything was starting with mistrust and doubts. He blamed me that I would have affairs with other guys. He hates all my family and friends. And he accuses me that I love them all more than him. This was the source for many of our fights.
    He insults me and says all kind of horrible things. He also used to to give me the silent treatment. He twist everything so that I look like the culprit and he is the victim.

    And as I have mentioned he has also physically abused me. That was around three times.
    He pulled my hair while dragging me on the floor, kicked me in the stomach and once he pushed me so that I fell down and got injured on my head. I cannot even say that I have provoked him in any way.
    He has absolute no control over his emotions and anger. Most of all I don't have the feeling that he truly regrets the things he had done to me!

    I am familiar with the cycle of violence. I would say every 2 weeks he finds a reason to explode.

    I know my situation looks very hopeless but I am not ready to give up. I want to fight for our marriage. I know that my husbands needs help!
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2010
  6. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Neha,

    I can only tell you what mistakes I made. I am not an advocate for divorce but I really think I should have done it earlier.

    He would change his reasons to get mad at me every other week. On top of it mine was a love marriage with 4 yrs of dating. He immediately changed after marriage .I made the mistake of believing him he will change and he would but the agression would come out in a different way.


    My situation now:
    • I have a child with him so I have to keep in touch always :twisted:.
    • He is teaching bad things to the kid so now I am struggling with trying to get full custody.
    • My child has said things that hurt me so much just yesterday taught by my ex .....I am trying my best to bring him up as a responsible ,happy child but ex is not letting me.
    • He married again and that wife left in 2 yrs and she called me and described how he hospitalized her many times(things have escalated now).
    • I pray and shed tears many times for my little one who is innocent and is getting badly influenced.
    You can never change anyone if they don't do it. Please listen to your inner voice. you are in better position as you have no children.

    Good Luck
    FL.
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2010
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    When you say you want to fight for your marriage? I guess all this long whatever relationship you were having with your husband cant be called as marriage. What is it that you want to fight for? You know that your husband needs help, but does he know???:bonk

    I totally agree with what FoundLove has said, you cant change such abusers, unless they want to change, they have to first of all realise that they are not able to control their emotions and anger. If we being humans cant control our emotions and anger and burst out, we would be called as animals. no one would love to live with such animals unless the other person has gone totally mad:hide: because the victim of abuse thinks adn takes it as a challenge to SAVE the so called marriage.

    Also the best thing FL said is " He would change his reasons to get mad at me every other week" Yep this is the exact behaviour of an abuser.They name it as they love you or you might feel he is possessive about you, thats why he is behaving the way he is behaving..but the bottomline is he doesnt know what is he angry about and what upsets him. Unless he figures out the internal reason, and acknowledges the anger and abuse problem, how can anyone help that too the victim of abuse:bonk

    My beleif is that instead of taking it up as a challenge to save your so called marriage, take it as a challenge to save yourself from an abuser before you loose the rest of confidence and mental sanity you have. Also many of such victims know that the moment they pass final word that they woudl move out if the abuser doesnt stop his/her behaviour, the abuser would ask the spouse to get out of the house thats the common behaviour seen. So in what way you can save such marriage? by taking in more abuse by living with him?? if he doesnt trust you/beleive you, what makes you think you can change him?
     
  8. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Obsessive jealousy is very often a precursor to violence and if no corrective action is taken in the early stages, it almost always ends with death.

    You have taken the right step by distancing yourself from him. You are also very lucky not to have any children with him. From your post I don't see any good reason why you should fight to save this marriage. If you cannot think of divorce at the moment then at the very least you must try out a significantly long separation. At least 1 year IMO. That will give you the time to heal, find the support you need and convince yourself that this marriage was over the instant he first struck you. You say you cannot trust him. Trust that instinct. It is your survival instinct talking.
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2010
  9. Vidya21

    Vidya21 Senior IL'ite

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    :bowdown to SriVidya for saying it so succinctly.

    Yes, you've done the right thing in distancing and realizing there is a problem. But you do not need to be the savior here. An abuser can go to any lengths. Once an abuser, there is always the potential threat of things spiraling out of hand.

    Trust our experience, and trust us when we say you do not have to save him, you just have to save yourself. You are not responsible for him, his life, his happiness, his problems, his anger. Marriage counseling works at times, does not at other times - you might want to give it a try, but always, always keep your own safety in mind first and foremost. You owe it to yourself.
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2010
  10. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    If you both think counsellign would help, first try it out by living separately. I.e initiate the therapy sessions before you totally move in with him. That way you would know to what extent he is committed to his words of going to a marriage counsellor. Sometimes these words and commitments are given only to hush hush the situation. So start the counselling session before you actually start living with him. Its always worth to know before you jump in

    Also from your post, its evident how scared you are and how you cant trust him anymore, so do you have any rules laid down before you move in with him?

    First come to some common terms laid out for both of you about fighting/verbal/physical abuse and how to exit the place when the other person is angry etc. Set soem ground rules and attend couple of therapy sessions and then start living with him. Dont blindly move in . Also keep contact with him once in a while and when you go to the counselling sessions you would also understand where is the gap inb/w you both and expectations from each other.

    No woman would like to see her marriage fall apart. and No woman would also like to suggest breaking/walking out of a marriage, but when someone is seeing those red signals you got to learn from others mistakes...as you cant afford to make all the mistakes everyone made in their lives..as you know life is short. So weigh pros n cons before you make any decision.
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2010

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