1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Does Your Husband Help Carry Your Luggage?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by beautifullife30, May 9, 2022.

  1. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,146
    Likes Received:
    2,309
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Does your husband help carry the luggage when you take a family trip?

    My husband doesnt do that. Actually, my husband wasnt like this when we were married. Things were very different. He was very short tempered and very opinianated. I faced a lot of issues when i was initially married. Sometime during the last 5-6 years, things changed a bit. I changed and he also changed.

    Anyway, even in the earlier days, he never assisted me in helping lift heavy things. For that matter, even during pregnancy, he never helped lift a bucket of hot water. I still remember dragging it across the hall when i was fully pregnant and hauling it up the high step to put it in the bathroom. Anyway, these are things i have chosen to forgive him for given how he has changed in a lot of aspects. But it is very difficult for me to forget. But i have made peace with all that. I try to look at all the positives that he has.

    My mom was just bringing me update to date on the family gossips few hours ago and in that flow she told me how my uncle was asking her as to why only me and my elder son carry the luggages while my husband doesn't. My mom remarked saying that my daughter does everything herself. She takes care of him, her children and me also. Thats how its always been. But thankfully for her, the elder son is now helping in everything and her yougner one will soon start helping her stuff as well.

    Yes, i have completely stopped expecting any kind of help from my husband. My husband bends backwards to thelp someone out in the street but would never help me lift a luggage. Not that he has a grudge but he doesnt do it. I used to get upset earlier and ask him why he doesnt do it and his answer was - dont you have two arms and two legs? If i can do it, why cant you? Are you and me not alike and equal? why do you expect special treatment.

    When the luggage is very heavy at times, he helps when i ask but otherwise, its always been me and my son when he grew up or me and my mom earlier.

    Growing up, i always saw my grandfather, uncles handling the heavy stuff while leaving the light ones to the ladies. My father though he never carried anything, he ensured the helpers handled the luggage.

    So my husband's attitude seemed rude initially but now i am accustomed to it. I resolved to never expect anything from him and honestly i still dont.

    But my mom's casual remark brought back some unpleasant memories. Just wanted to know if i am trying to see a problem when there is none.

    So again, does your husband help with the luggage when you go out on a trip?
     
    Last edited: May 9, 2022
    Itsmylife143 and Laks09 like this.
    Loading...

  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    11,909
    Likes Received:
    28,927
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    Luggage handling was his job - loading it into the car, unloading at airport or hotel. I helped sometimes or not... depending on how much we had argued in the car or flight.

    Similarly, packing for the trip was my job. He helped if I asked very nicely and with zero sarcasm about his watching TV while I am tripping over myself and falling into the suitcases and also doing the laundry, clearing out the fridge and checking if neighbor has our house keys.

    A while ago, I would have said: an able-bodied adult not helping the family with carrying luggage is a jerk. But grey hair and revolutions around the sun have brought more perspective. There will be such situations where one person will just not take care of a certain task. It is up to the couple or the family how they look at it.

    I'd suggest you reflect on the memories, see what a long way you have come, pat yourself on the back for being the one who manages the marriage, and get on with the day's other to-do's.
     
  3. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,515
    Likes Received:
    22,416
    Trophy Points:
    538
    Gender:
    Male
    @Beautifllife30,

    I have seen some men raised not knowing how to help a women in life. But the fact he is helpful to others voluntarily and not to you is intentional. To my knowledge, most men do load, unload and move suitcases during trips.

    Since I have migrated in 1995 to the US, we have made several trips both nationally and internationally and it was always me who handled the baggages during the trips. My wife volunteer to help always but I politely tell her it is the man's job. On the trip I had in March 2022 to India, both my MIL and wife were in the wheelchair as my wife had a knee surgery and I had an umbilical hernia surgery myself. But I decided to handle all the luggages myself and walk.

    Frankly, I pack the bags also myself for everyone during the trips to just help. Even on a regular basis, I bring in groceries from the car and load them into the fridge/pantry. I cut vegetables everyday in the morning or evening for the next day meal preparation. On Sundays, I cook food myself for the whole family. No one is telling me to do all that but I do it voluntarily as I enjoy doing this for my family. Somedays, my wife asks me to do the dishes and other days, noticing how busy she was all day, I voluntarily do dishes myself. All of these are possible because I work from home and I am not necessarily saying all men should do it.

    "Telling my wife that you have pair of hands and legs and you can do it yourself" is definitely not in my vocabulary. I am not sure why your husband says something like that to you unless he has a lot of grudge against you. Generally, no gentleman will stand and watch the wife moving heavy items, is my understanding, unless he is injured, hurt or physically challenged.

    Note: Those who care to report me as a bragger in the consumer bulletin board, please note that I am 67 years old and I need no credit from anyone. Definitely, I am not taking all my credentials as a gentleman, issued by human beings, to my grave. As a spiritual seaker, I leave that in the hands of the creator to determine what I deserve. Frankly, I haven't done much to feel a lot of pride including as a son, husband and a parent. As the OP is raising this question, I am responding to it. That is all.
     
  4. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    747
    Likes Received:
    981
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    dh is the luggage man. he proudly lifts and that is his work out sometimes. it is a exercise call farmer's walk he told.

    sorry as Viswa sir said not bragging.

    dh used to do for his mum in delhi, where they had to buy veggies every tuesday . this is 90s. not so rich to take auto.
     
  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,684
    Likes Received:
    6,271
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    My DH is of the absent-minded, clueless type, but never does anything deliberately to upset others. He will do things perfectly but usually needs some gentle instruction. Instead of getting annoyed I have chosen to accept this as one of his quirks.
    On trips I always keep an eye on our baggage to make sure that nothing is misplaced. He will help with loading stuff into the overhead bins and he is very responsible with all of the kid’s gear but I still need to count everything once to make sure that our bags are not going north when we are traveling west.
    If any elders are present he will do the needful unprompted.
     
  6. MadhuRK

    MadhuRK Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    182
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear @beautifullife30

    By that logic of this equalizing Harischandra, he has two legs, two hands and a working body and brain. He must also be cooking, cleaning and parenting in equal parts.

    Does the Greenwich meridian run cutting everything exactly 50/50 in your household ? If yes, you do have a very enviable household to live in. But I bet it does not. So I'm tempted to judge him as a douche-bag but whats the use ?

    Some children (men and women) are raised to never grow up and mature beyond their toilet-training years, I feel for you. We can't blame this adult man-child you have in your house but must make-do of what you have.

    Women have a very sensitive organ in the form of the uterus. You are at an increased risk of a disk-prolapse, hernia, hip dislocation if you keep repeatedly carrying heavy luggage, especially if you don't have the right weight-training and lifting exposure. Also, women's calcium and Vitamin B-12 reserves precipitously drop after 30s and you are at an increased risk of bone-joint paint and early onset of arthritis.

    Oh and yes, my husband does lift all the luggages, and no I never have to ask. I also hold the door open for my male colleagues. This is called Chivalry not charity or business-transaction to count who is handicapped before we lend them a helping hand. Such twisted notions and wanky logic people have in their minds, ready to help 3rd person but will make wife carry because she has two hands ! What a joke !

    The next handful of women may or may not share the same sentiment, but you don't need to wait to verify with all of us before you realize how silly this is.

    You can read up online and share these resources if there is a mendable skull we are working with. Search for "effects of child birth on mother". "Changes in bone density and bone markers suggest that pregnancy is associated with deterioration of bone mass in the mother. The metabolism of calcium resets to allow for the needs imposed by the building of the fetal skeleton."

    Regardless, don't take this lying down and be a martyr for a worthless cause and feel all self-righteous about yourself. In whatever way works (asking kindly, being firm, singing/dancing every weekend) please do ask him to definitely lift the damn luggage.
     
  7. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,419
    Likes Received:
    1,796
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I personally feel wife scrutinizing husband based on uncle’s complaint is wrong . You need to spell out to your husband what you want . What is important for you . If it is something you can overlook let it go . I think your uncle is trying to create confusion between you and your husband. Never give up husband in front of other people .
     
    Laks09 and MalStrom like this.
  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    11,909
    Likes Received:
    28,927
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    I'm a bit confused now. Is it (i) or (ii) as described below:

    i) He does not carry any bag at all, walking with arms hanging free while you and your mom/son are taking care of all the luggage bags.
    ii) He carries some luggage but insists you are as able as him so you should carry equal luggage as he is carrying.
     
    beautifullife30 and Thyagarajan like this.
  9. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,033
    Likes Received:
    2,394
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Hugs to you.
    Understandably there is a problem - the question is what can/should you do about it?

    Used to till he had back issues. then onwards I do the lifting mostly . Even when I know he has a genuine reason, I sometimes feel a little resentful when I am struggling with luggage., especially if he is instructing me on how to lift. I am sharing this only to help validate your hurt.

    That is strange - so he doesnt think lifting luggage is a demeaning task or something he cannot or should not do. But he wont do it for you and family - that probably hurts you more.

    No you havent. How can you forgive a person who has not asked for forgiveness, who doesnt even feel he did anything wrong in the first place?
    You dont even know why he does it? A reason, even if you dont agree with it , may make it easier to swallow
    You have made a decision to move on with life, and not let this affect you. You have buried the resentment and it is dormant. Once in a while when something triggers it , it will trouble you.

    You have the choice -
    It is hard to forgive and even harder to forget under these circumstances. Accept your hurt , your discomfort when someone else questions/mentions this. Dont doubt yourself, your irritation/anger at his selfish uncaring attitude is valid.
    But you can let it go. He is wrong, you are stepping up to deal with what needs to be done , and so be it. You are choosing not to fight this battle and that is ok. You have taught your sons well, you should be proud of it. Change what you can, dont lose your sleep over what you cant. You dont even have to defend him. If someone mentions it directly , just roll your eyes with a " he is like that only" . Somehow this phrase especially in indian languages makes one accept anything

    We are all flawed people, some more than the others. You have chosen not to dwell on his flaw, good for you. And if you can make peace with it, that's the best thing your can do for yourself.
     
  10. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,146
    Likes Received:
    2,309
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Haha.....thanks Rihana. Thats exactly all that i can do now. But at times, when someone mentions something like this, my mind tends to wonder....is it just him or is everyone else like that as well...
     
    Viswamitra likes this.

Share This Page