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Does Marriage Gets Better With Time ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shama146, Dec 23, 2017.

  1. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    Just wanted to ask you ladies that do you feel married life gets better with the passage of time. I specifically want to ask those ladies who are married for 10 years or more. Do the ininitial fights, misunderstanding, ego clashes etc diminishes or not ?

    I m married for 5 years and has lots of issues in our marriage . We both are poles apart. Husband is very dominating. Fights, anger issues, control issues keeps on erupting after few months. Ya as compared to our first year of marriage it has decreased but say less than 5%.

    Thats why wanted to know is there any hope that things will improve as time passes or it will get worse.
     
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  2. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    Fights in early days are normal as two persons of very different background are suddenly bound to live together. But by the time it can reduce by understanding. Both if want to live together has to understand each others opinion and the life style that other person wants. Either one can get convinced or can convince on every aspect. If you are always somewhere in middle then there is the need of discussion. Discuss everything that make you fight. I personally never let any issue not discussed or talked about. By that you can be clear about other persons thought process and can make a view of how one should react. Fights are never an issue the main thing is issues get unresolved even after the fight.
     
  3. prreeya

    prreeya Silver IL'ite

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    Mine is ten years and now I got to know my dh was never agreed with me for any of my choices I made for family.
    But in those times he pretended I am doing right...and I thought he supported me.
    After ten years its right opposite..he is so different.
    Now I think it was someone else whom I knew.
     
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  4. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    No one can pretend for so long. He must have adapted many things you like.
     
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  5. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Nice topic.... I too had the same doubt myself. I'm married for almost 2yrs now. Initial 1.5yrs we spent just fighting and lots of ego both sides, inlaws problem and what not.
    Now also we fight, have difference of opinions as we both are quite opposite. But now we know how to deal with post fight situations.

    As @MonikaSG said "Fights are never an issue the main thing is issues get unresolved even after the fight."

    Fights never solve the issues. But still fights cannot be stopped. The main thing is to deal with post fight situations and when both sides calm down, talk and think of solutions.
    What i had learned in my past ~2yrs married life is that :

    1. Sometimes, both cannot agree on certain things or decisions ....IGNORE and do what you feel is right for you. Eventually the other person will understand you and even if not, that's not your problem.

    2. Sometimes, both can compromise and come to a middle path of solution.... ADJUST for the benefit of both of you.

    3. Sometimes, you may have to do something that you do not like just to satisfy the ego/end the issue bothering you both. ... DO IT if its not harming you in anyway. In the long way, your understand level with your partner will improve and it will strengthen your bond.

    4. Inlaws are the biggest headache in every woman's life post marriage (atleast 99% cases).
    I am yet to master in handling this issue here because no matter how much I try to ignore them, they cause fights between me and my husband.
    This further causes biggest hurdle in husband and wife relationship quotient.

    So, in short, I feel the marriage will def improve with years lassing by as the couple gets to know each other better and both find ways to adjust,compromise or let go as per the demanding situations in life.
    But for this, both should be willing.... Else if one partner is trying and working double hard to survive the marriage and other is not putting efforts, the marriage will not improve and rather just detiorate further.
     
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  6. prreeya

    prreeya Silver IL'ite

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    Yes I thought so but things you accepted with your own wish cant be ..your hate points ....and I really thinks it was
     
  7. Tryinghard2013

    Tryinghard2013 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi All,
    I wanted to start a thread on this topic and am glad I came across it. I think all our problems are pretty similar. It is just that we think other peoples marriages are happier and more settled. We are married for over 7 years. He is short tempered and bad mouths me in front of his family. He thinks I don't work hard in upkeep of the house and the kids. I work full time with toddlers and no help at all as I am in a foreign country. He gets mad at me if I raise my voice or argue with him. A lot of times I keep quiet and let the situation pass but how long can one keep mum. Inlaws are a separate issue where he thinks I have no regard for them. More discussions turn the situation worse. We are right now hardly on talking terms and I think I like it that way. It helps in avoiding getting anxious over the other person changing moods and demands.but how long can we last? Will time make it better? I don't think so. I cannot walk out as this is my 2nd marriage. And I know walking out is easier said than done especially in the desi society. We don't share the same bedroom since the kids are born. As he does not want to be disturbed if kids wake up in the night and need their mommy. He is extremely self centered and money minded as well. He keeps on remarking how he earns more than me. When we got married l, I was earning way more than him. But since I moved after marriage I lost my tenure and position and pretty much had to start all over again. It feels that i have been unlucky in marriage. We both scream at each other and tell that we are in this for the kids when we fight. can anyone share your opinion on my current situation?
     
  8. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    Living separated within a marriage is too difficult. Your kids will also develop the negativity in their nature if this thing continued for long. I can suggest you few things from here but don't know in real life it will be possible for you to apply or not. But I am telling you few things as per my understanding.

    First thing is fights that are not the solution. Start one practice don't argue or respond when he is angry. We say too much in anger which always take us to more tough condition and it also take our ego to next level that we start having the feeling we are right and who the hell is that person. Don't let this feeling come to you.

    Try to talk in a positive manner when he is not angry. Discuss and find solutions of each of the issues one by one.

    Even if he is sleeping in another room go there when kids are sleeping.

    Try to go on family vacation. It will change everyone's mood.

    You can also chant some mantra daily for building positivity in your mind.

    I am not suggesting you to be a slave. I am just saying the kids are yours. Do as much as you can and improve you working abilities to avoid his disagreement.

    Once you are able to think positively you will be able to mould his thinking too. Anger with anger comes out with disaster but anger with love can manage to survive.

    No wonders will happen in one day and it will not be easy for you to deal with ego and anger of yours. But nothing is impossible in this world. You can give it a try.
     
  9. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    Over time, will it get better? Yes, you will get used to it. :shakehead: Know how to react based on his mood.

    I would say, there was a struggle around 3-5 years of our marriage life. Thinking back.......did my DH change? No, he didn't. But, I stopped looking for his acceptance; I don't ask permission, but keep him informed and I do it whatever makes me comfortable. When I say 'No' and it is final, will not bend over/budge to please him; I don't nag him to do things in my way even if I don't like it. The lesser I talk, it is more effective. Silent treatment shows my anger faster than trying to convince him for hours when there is any conflict. :thumbsup:
     
  10. silentlistener

    silentlistener Silver IL'ite

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    For him, his parents will continue to be the most affectionate and beloved human beings for the rest of his life.

    For you his parents are going to be enemy number one in strengthening your relationship with your husband.

    He is never going to give up his affection on his parents.

    Attempting to change his attitude on his parents will be a losing battle.

    "AGREEING TO DISAGREE" is the only way to handle this "biggest headache."
     
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