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Does Infidelity Runs In Family? Asking For A Friend

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Vedhavalli, Jun 4, 2021.

  1. Thoughtful

    Thoughtful Gold IL'ite

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    This doesn't make sense.

    Sorry but why is your friend making demands on who should attend get togethers on the guy's family gatherings.

    The fact that the guy has agreed is a big red flag. Tell yes to everything now, and once married, he can say that its their life and he can't control whom they wish to have during their get togethers.

    Either your friend should accept everything and get into wedlock or walk away. If you are putting conditions, you are setting yourself up for disappointments later.
     
  2. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Seems like she has made up her mind. Quite futile for her dad or you to try and change her mind now. She’s an adult and probably thinks it’s no big deal.

    I wouldn’t be negotiating the other family’s presence if I were her. I would be looking for red flags. There is nothing you can say now though. It’s probably wise to step back and let her decide her future.
     
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  3. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes !! So like a TV serial drama. In Udaya-TV there is a current serial about bigamy. Boy marries the girl chosen by his father, a good girl, dark-complexioned, traditional and non-cosmopolitan manners, with dreams of IAS-pass. Boy, raised in city with dreams of sophisticated living, finds himself in a fix. Although they live together, no consummation. Couple of months into this predicament, he meets his dream girl, and somehow finagles to marry her. Not very clear even after many episodes, if these two have had intimate relations. Anyhow... so it goes. You can watch episodes free on Udaya TV's youtube channel: https://www.sunnxt.com/kannada-tv/detail/110668/115429/Sundari---Apr-01,-2021?carouselAction=Sundari

    I was curious to find out if bigamy (among Hindu's) is accepted in current India. Although illegal and punishable, it is apparently accepted -- many prominent politicians have a known second wife installed in a different home in the same city/town. In Telugu, Tamil and Kannada regions this is not a shameful thing for a prominent personality -- people talk in hushed, but envious tones about such goings on. If ever your friend and her family were to be in a festive family get together in India, they might come to know how society treats such behaviors.

    In this UP village, polygamy is the key to respectability | Lucknow News - Times of India
     
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  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Sometimes you just have to let people make their choices and hope everything works out for the best, difficult as it may be for parents and other loved ones to watch.
     
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  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    This.
    Unfortunately ,most Indian men do not learn lesson from their mother's sufferings . Instead they call it a sacrifice and idolise the mother for having made the 'sacrifice' for the children ...and expect the wife to be as sacrificing . If not infidelity, it could be some other suffering .
     
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  6. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    This reminds me a line in pearl s buck "Yoday I must tell my husband to take a concubinr"
     
  7. Sreevidyaa

    Sreevidyaa Silver IL'ite

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    If the girl after interaction feels the guy is ok then go for it. I have found many marriages fail because the guy is not getting along with the wife inspite of coming from a stable family. If the husband doesn’t support the wife, no matter how good the in-laws or extended families are the marriage will fail. It all falls on the guy. So if the girl is convinced that this guy is good do proceed. It’s not his fault to have come from such families and if he is of good character proceed. Moreover they are going to live overseas and will have less interactions.
     
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  8. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Its her life and her choice. She should talk about what she will do if he repeats the same family pattern than who should attend their marriage.
    Is she ready to do the same sacrifice ( yes. Thats the way he is going portray it) his mother did or will move on. Whats her limit. What else she need? Whats her plans on her career or her life after marriage. Its better not to go for kids soon if she go for this marriage and make sure he is a good partner for her. She should be aware that the same family history problem can arise in their kids case too.
    OP, you cant do anything. Just listen. If she has taken a decision , then its difficult to change it.
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2021
  9. chanchitra

    chanchitra Gold IL'ite

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    No, Infidelity doesn't run in the family.
    It all depends on the guy mainly.
    How long has she know this guy?
     
  10. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    OK.. I have taken to binge watching too many TV serials. Although new episodes are stopped for every wave-lockdown of corona virus infestation, I have been watching archived old ones. All the stories seem to run together in my brain. Where did that happen? question pops up now and then, with no answers.
    It was reported early that the friend of OP was introduced to the 36 year old US resident dentist via some matrimonial portal, and facetimed him a few times with full approval of her family. And she likes him, and ready to have a civil wedding in USA.
    For the life of me I couldn't recall the title of the TV serial where two long time friends try to help each other by vetting marriage proposals. The script of serial had these steps:
    • parents find/locate the suitable boy, gather info.
    • let daughter know the details, and ask her to chat with, and eventually meet up with boy
    • daughter's bff (in the same women's hostel) wants to help. She contrives to "accidentally meet" the boy, and makes friends.
    • Bff (best friends forever) tests boy with temptations, and see if he'd go for it. All done to help her friend.
    • Complications ensue.... with the TV serial story almost on the verge of aesoph-like moral to best-friends not to butt in.
    The OP should also try to preserve the friendship, and not offer any advice that counters the decision of the friend, and get too involved in this.

    upload_2021-6-6_10-31-29.png

    Added response to latter post, because this is still in Edit time:
    excellent!!
    If the groom's family had revealed all to all bridal prospects, including the previous rejects, as well as this one, they would naturally be very eager to tell anyone they meet in the new in-laws the story of how the bride's family had been so magnanimous in accepting their family's blemishes (the 2wives thing, the divorced sibling, and any other things that wasn't disclosed prior to marriage) and making the marital alliance. This would be the party talk at the reception when the two extended families get together. Everyone (me included) will be curious to know what the 2nd wife looks like ? And how the groom's daddy -- if he doesn't look George-Clooney hot --was able to do it ?
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2021

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