Does Death Give Free Pass To Wrong Doers ?

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by mangaii, Mar 7, 2024.

  1. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    I have this nagging question in my mind.
    If someone is old and does wrong things, as younger one should you forget and patch up since they will leave the earth soon ?
    Isn't it more painful for the younger one not only to go through the suffering but also have to live with this trauma longer than the other person.
    Why should exit from earth should be free pass to get rid of all wrong doings of a person ?
    How can suddenly that person becomes saint ?

    I understand forgiving for one's one sake but how do you forget the things that happened to you ?
     
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  2. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Forgiving will be meaningless unless it is followed by forgetting. It's the combination that makes it a wholesome virtue. Actually forgetting must take precedence over forgiving. What's the point in forgiving someone for the harm he has done to us but harbouring it in our heart and sulking over it all our life? Peace is the greatest gift that one can aspire for and that comes only if we forget and forgive!
     
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  3. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    I hv heard of many young ones isolate and insulate the old ones so that the scope for their wrong doing gets eliminated or diminished. In many joint families, the old ones are confined to a single small room just to sleep eat and breathe.
    I remember this joint family story:
    A young girl seen his parents disposing off personal effects of diseased grand parents who were kept isolated confined to a small room. When a buyer was gathering the articles, the boy took away the aluminium platters in which grand parents were offered their daily breakfast lunch and supper. Parents softly asked him why he wants to keep those OUT OF SHAPE AND DENTED plates.
    The boy said, "when you both get old, to serve you food I need them".
     
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  4. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks Cheeniya Sir for your input. I actually forgot the existence of the said person, but when my mom has been advising on how I will regret if I don't go and meet them now. According to me if I don't see them I don't think about them but once I see them I cannot stop thinking about them. But the only reason I have to see them is because they are getting old not because I love them. This is where I'm conflicted. I'm confident the other person may not be willing to see me either. But my mom thinks that my understanding of life is very less and I should let go and see them.
     
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  5. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    fortunately they are not my parents
     
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  6. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra Finest Post Winner

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    @mangaii,

    There was a real life situation explained in a book called, "Seven habits of highly effective people" written by Steven Covey. There was a well-accomplished Jew in the concentration camp and he was humiliated by making him spend the entire day scantly clothed. He used the same formula the Hindu philosophy teaches everyone to differentiate body and mind from the soul. He began considering all that happened is only to the body and he is different from the body. It not only removed his pain but also helped him to restore his enthusiasm back again.

    Your peace of mind is important under any circumstance. I know forgetting is hard especially the hardship caused is severe and created a permanent dent in your heart. But forgiving and removing that thought (forgetting) from your mind does result in improving your well-being. Even without seeing that person, you are still thinking about the person far away.

    Frankly, by you not being in front of that person creates a victory in the mind of that person. On the contrary, if you appear in front of the person, unaffected by what had happened, it might trouble the person's mind more than you staying away. That is the best way you can make that person face the repurcussions of the past action. By merely seeing them physically makes you think more about them, the problem is in your mind. Work on strengthening your mind by removing what had happened in the past. Once the lesson learned from that encounter is embedded in your mind, there is no need for those associated emotions. Mostly, the past thoughts that kill our present moment and future growth.

    If you truly think your peace of mind is invaluable, test your strength by visiting the person so that you can endure it. The life is full of pleasure and pain and you build equanimity despite these two pair of opposites and not by avoiding pain. It is impossible to avoid pain but how we deal with it makes the difference in achieving peace. Imagine you have a beautiful Rose in the garden and when you go to pluck it, the thorn in the plant hurts you. You just endure that pain but still enjoy the beauty of the Rose. Similarly, don't allow this thorn (hurt feeling) to dominate you when you have a beautiful life ahead of you.
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2024
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Forgiveness is a big word we use too much and easily. They say if we don't forgive, we hurt ourselves the most. But that's not true. They also say forgiving is crucial for moving on. That's not true either.

    Moving on can happen without forgiveness. Not forgiving doesn't mean you'll keep thinking about it, feeling bitter, wallowing in resentment and anger. You can still have a productive and happy life without forgiving those who hurt you. You don't have to forgive until you're ready (if ever).

    Forgiveness by its definition involves the person who wronged you! So, I like to think of a slightly different concept - healing. Healing means getting better after being hurt. You don't need to forgive to heal.

    What's healing? It's getting to a point where you can remember what happened without falling apart, where one has some amount of control over one's reactions. This takes a lot of hard work, discipline and practice.

    Forgiving those who haven't made any amends, or before you have dealt with your feelings including anger, is a disservice to yourself. It suppresses your needs. Society, elders and spiritual leaders push for forgiveness to keep things peaceful, to ensure smoothness in social gatherings, but it's not always right for you.

    They say there are health benefits to forgiveness, and perhaps there are. However, there can also be health benefits to being liberated from the pressure that insists "you must forgive to move on."

    About forgetting - how does one forget something? Can you choose to forget where you are or where a friend is in a photo? Can you forget where you put your keys? Can you forget a book or movie to enjoy it for the first time again? It's not possible. But we can learn to handle bad memories better. That's part of healing.

    To sum up, forgiveness and forgetting aren't always necessary for healing. Everyone's healing journey is different. If forgiveness helps you move forward, embrace it. If forgiving and forgetting is your way, go ahead. Just remember, what works for you may not work for everyone else.

    (All use of "you" above is intended generically and does not specifically refer to any individual.)
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2024
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Your mom is doing what moms do no matter how old their child is. Moms try to save their children from possible future regret. In its own way, it is a mom's deepest love at play here. She wants to spare you heartache when it might be too late for you to do anything.

    You can keep gently deflecting the topic each time she brings it up. Or, if you choose, you can go meet that person just to give your mom some peace.

    A very thought-provoking thread, thank you for starting the thread. I never realized this below thing though it is a mathematical fact:
    Isn't it more painful for the younger one not only to go through the suffering but also have to live with this trauma longer than the other person.
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2024
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    General request - please no PM's to me on this topic. If you have something to say related to my posts, please do so here in thread. Doing so will benefit many.
     
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  10. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    :hello:
    Jesus forgave yet what happened to Him? Did he too forget wrong doings to Him?
    Secondly even after forgiving, one don’t forget. It is embedded in his hard disc in head. May forgiving grant one or both temporary relief .
     
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