Does Death Give Free Pass To Wrong Doers ?

Forgiving will be meaningless unless it is followed by forgetting. It's the combination that makes it a wholesome virtue. Actually forgetting must take precedence over forgiving. What's the point in forgiving someone for the harm he has done to us but harbouring it in our heart and sulking over it all our life? Peace is the greatest gift that one can aspire for and that comes only if we forget and forgive!

 

Forgiveness is a big word we use too much and easily. They say if we don't forgive, we hurt ourselves the most. But that's not true. They also say forgiving is crucial for moving on. That's not true either.

Moving on can happen without forgiveness. Not forgiving doesn't mean you'll keep thinking about it, feeling bitter, wallowing in resentment and anger. You can still have a productive and happy life without forgiving those who hurt you. You don't have to forgive until you're ready (if ever).

Forgiveness by its definition involves the person who wronged you! So, I like to think of a slightly different concept - healing. Healing means getting better after being hurt. You don't need to forgive to heal.

What's healing? It's getting to a point where you can remember what happened without falling apart, where one has some amount of control over one's reactions. This takes a lot of hard work, discipline and practice.

Forgiving those who haven't made any amends, or before you have dealt with your feelings including anger, is a disservice to yourself. It suppresses your needs. Society, elders and spiritual leaders push for forgiveness to keep things peaceful, to ensure smoothness in social gatherings, but it's not always right for you.

They say there are health benefits to forgiveness, and perhaps there are. However, there can also be health benefits to being liberated from the pressure that insists "you must forgive to move on."

About forgetting - how does one forget something? Can you choose to forget where you are or where a friend is in a photo? Can you forget where you put your keys? Can you forget a book or movie to enjoy it for the first time again? It's not possible. But we can learn to handle bad memories better. That's part of healing.

To sum up, forgiveness and forgetting aren't always necessary for healing. Everyone's healing journey is different. If forgiveness helps you move forward, embrace it. If forgiving and forgetting is your way, go ahead. Just remember, what works for you may not work for everyone else.

(All use of "you" above is intended generically and does not specifically refer to any individual.)

 

Your mom is doing what moms do no matter how old their child is. Moms try to save their children from possible future regret. In its own way, it is a mom's deepest love at play here. She wants to spare you heartache when it might be too late for you to do anything.

You can keep gently deflecting the topic each time she brings it up. Or, if you choose, you can go meet that person just to give your mom some peace.

A very thought-provoking thread, thank you for starting the thread. I never realized this below thing though it is a mathematical fact:

Isn't it more painful for the younger one not only to go through the suffering but also have to live with this trauma longer than the other person.​

 

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