1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Liked anything that you read here? You may nominate it as the Finest Posts!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  5. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

does a housewife deserves to be treated well?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sreyavas, Jan 10, 2010.

  1. Sreyavas

    Sreyavas Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    200
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello Il's


    Ladies! I really need an answer for this. Does housewives deserves self respect or need to be treated like a slave or in telugu you say( vantinti kundelu)

    she does not earn a penny does not deserve to live a respectable life and to be treated well. she works for all 365 days and 7 days a week and when does she gets rest. Is wife means work like a machine get repaired only when it stops working .

    my friend 's husband treats her so badly that as she says acc to her hubby that wife is not answerable to anyone whether she finishes her work or not no one asks her to finish it in specific time and also 1 hr if she works she can relax the other hr. and if hubby helps wife at home what she is gonna do at home . and as nobody is helping me (hubby at office ).

    and when she was some 8mths pregnant also if she could'nt finish all her work with 1kid and if she doesnt throw the garbage out he used to yell at her and make her throw the garbage right away and no help from him at all and also he used to say that you stay home all day and still you could'nt finish your cooking and clean the house and other stuff. and also he invited lots of friends when pregnant and make her cook for all of them and is he says she can't do it then he tells her that if you work hard you delivery will be very easy . as my mother (his)delivered 6 kids she did all the work by herself .

    and now with 2 kids also the same situation and now she asks me is being dependant means sin ? does not have a life to live .?she does not have a voice to raise as hers is a love marriage and no help for her from any side and she is desperately looking for friends and that is also a problem for her because her hubby illtreates, humiliates her in front of her friends so she is afraid to go further.

    please ladies pour your solutions for this.
    thanks in andvance.
    sreya.
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2010
    Loading...

  2. shivachoubey

    shivachoubey IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,519
    Likes Received:
    1,074
    Trophy Points:
    315
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,

    According to me one always chooses to be treated the way one is treated. If you are taking all the crap in this world then people my friend will give you crap and nothing else. Its not about being dependent and being independent.

    If a housewife can have a courage to stand up against the mental abuse then there will be no abuse. If your friend's husband does not understand her worth then I would say your friend should seriously consider her relationship with this man.

    There is no point in dying everyday and that too in self pity. Give courage to your friend, tell her to first talk to her husband nicely, if that is not working then she should be bold enough to stand against her man. As per her's being a love marriage does not matter, only she and no one else can stand for her.

    She can take help from women organizations if her family is not willing to help her, but the point is that she should take the first step and then decide if anyone will help her or not. May be she will be surprised to find that people are actually willing to help her.
     
  3. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    755
    Likes Received:
    503
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    The root cause of your friend's problem is not her being a dependant housewife. The real cause is that her DH is insensitive towards her and doesnt respect women in general - working or non-working. Infact, he is an epitome of Male Chauvanism. I am sure , even if she was working, he would still expect her to do all the housework in addition to her job.

    But ,if she really thinks that having a job would make a difference, she can try to find a job. Even if she has not worked before,it is never too late to study further to get a job. It is not easy, but there are many student-moms who manage to do it. So, she can do it if she has the determination.
     
  4. natpudan

    natpudan Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    8,420
    Likes Received:
    234
    Trophy Points:
    183
    Gender:
    Male
    your friend has given him too much room.

    as you said being a love marriage & no support from her side, she has given too much respect to him, which the opportunist made use of.

    in any relationship, if one is always giving too much, the other will keep taking it and in due course the love, affection, etc. will have no place at all.

    self-respect, independence, freedom all should be exercised, otherwise it's of no use.

    if you friend doesn't have any of them, how can she lose them?

    ask her to identify whether she has them & if so let her start exercising them.

    in a family if the wife is not earning, it doesn't mean she can be treated as a slave.

    let her start believing in this & gain confidence to tackle the situation.
     
  5. Varloo

    Varloo Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    4,022
    Likes Received:
    492
    Trophy Points:
    190
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,
    my mother used to insist that a woman should adjust to her husband and his family and it was nothing new that those people may iltreat the dil. I had been like brainwashed in to adjusting to wedded life, though I had a good job. I could not talk back to my husband and inlaws as I felt that I may face wrath from my family if I am to separate from my husband. They all just witnessed my husband and his people's bad behaviour (in front of them too) and so I was emotionally subdued, thinking that I will not be able to manage if I walked out of my marriage. So I suffered so much in life.
    I thought that my husband would realise that I had done so much in due course of time. But that was only a day dream and he is still the same though my inlaws are now nomore. I feel that I should have been more agressive when he started to iltreat me from the start. He would have been tamed, had I taken the initiative with courage. I still feel bad about myself. Now I am in a position where I cannot think about getting out of this relationship due to several reasons. But the net result is that I am very miserable in life though I have all things I need materially.
    I would say that your friend should have a talk with her husband and try to take him to a councellor. This is not an easy task. But she has to do it for her and her children's sake. If he does not comply, then she should think about moving out for some days to make him realise her worth. There are so many ways one can take care of the monetary side, I am sure that your friend would be well educated also.
    Leaving the children behind will make life hell for the husband but I am against that. The mother will lose respect that way and it is not good for her. She needs her children more than her husband.
     
  6. coolphani

    coolphani Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    228
    Likes Received:
    17
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    IMHO It doesn't matter: housewife or career woman..any female deserves to be treated with respect , care and love.
    there is no thumb rule that a housewife has to be treated with more respect compared to a working woman or vice versa

    I have seen many cases were career woman were treated badly and housewives pampered.

    I am a living example: I used to pay all the expenses, cook, clean and still got pushed around.Forget about pampering but I thought I atleast needed some respect. I made my point strong and clear..treat me with respect or leave me alone because I am capable of taking care of myself. I got yelled at for being aggressive,not being a typical indian married woman yada yada...Well, 2 yrs into the married life my DH has changed a lot...but he still has a long way to go...:spin
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2010
  7. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,862
    Likes Received:
    5,086
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Exactly as coolphani said... irrespective of working or non-working status.. wives do get haunted & taunted at.
    One needs to fight back to gain status in all such cases. Only thing when a wife has no financial independence thats when the DH & his fly starts feeling that they can use this gal to vent out their frustrations & she has no where to go.

    So once a person realises that she's being used.. she has to get financial freedom to get over with the traumas of daily life.
    However I've also seen many housewives making their DH dance to their tunes.. so I guess this also is an art to make ppl respect you even when ur not doing anything for that person or his family. I am also trying to find how do they do it.
     
  8. maggi99

    maggi99 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    348
    Likes Received:
    9
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    I find it not so easy to standup for onself in married life. If DH is not understanding, what ever you are he would not understand.

    Am also in my 8th month and my DH hardly does any work, so lazy to even get the grossery from the near by supermarket (as i cant carry weight) most of the times we wd be left out without necessary stuff at home..mostly on wk ends where all shops are closed. How much can we pester DH, they get irritated and shout if we remind. Same thing with throwing trash or help in cleaning the house. My friends say just leave things as it is and dont bother if the house is dirty... I tried it but DH does not bother. When I express something depressed he just bluntly says "u should have left me and gone" why are you here... What reply can be given to such sick person. Speaking back just invites fights.
     
  9. Sreyavas

    Sreyavas Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    200
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello ladies,

    :thankyou2: All for such great responses.I really appreciate your ideas and suggestions expressed. sometimes even after being well educated ,it's not easy to get along with life in usa,without husband's support if you are dependant.


    Be strong varloo take the charge lady! you are 21st century lady not the 60's their blaa blaa is not gonna help you now . find for the weakness points and deal with diplomacy. time to prove that you are capable of dealing with male chauvinist.if he is enjoying troubling you make him feel how it tastes.

    congrats maggi! Have a safe delivery. make him :bang and just ignore his words and treat him the same way you have been treated.:bonk

    do not trouble yourself by listening to a :rantand be :cool2:

    we all definitely need good friends in life to deal with so called husbands and make them straight.:hide:

    take care frnds.

    sreya.

    "Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."
     
  10. vimala1957

    vimala1957 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    331
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    25
    Gender:
    Female
    The question itself sounds very strange. Any doubt that a woman is also a human being. Well, working or a housewife, she is a very important member of the family and needs due love, care and respect.

    As all have suggested, your friend must stand up for herself. But the problem is the way girls are brought up and the different way the boys are brought up. All such problems are a result of the upbringing. The girls are taught to adjust to the husbands' and inlaws' needs till the end(death). [I remember a common saying that women used to recite for the inlaw's house " Ubhi ayi hun aur adi jaungi" which means that I have come standing to the inlaw's house and would go back flat-meaning death-come what may.] Even when they face such things, they are still asked to adjust by their mothers, And the MILs who are themselves women, in most cases add fuel to the fire.

    On one hand these old women folk would tell any girl or woman shameless if they discussed matters like child birth with men folk, but where does the shame go when the mothers convey this message to the son that working hard till the time of delivery would help easy delivery, and the men forcing their wives on this advice. I am siting this example as only one point to show the double standards of people, men or women.

    Your friend could not fight back or resist to the treatment she is getting because she herself thinks that it would be improper or sinful to talk back to her husband because she has been fed with such traits. Moreover, her husband also knows that no one else would come to support her and has taken her for granted. I have seen a friend carrying buckets of water to the 4 th flour of the house from the ground in the 7th / 8th month of pregnancy. The neighbours would question her why she is doing this, but the Dh or the inlaws would ask her- "WHere is all the food that you eat going- you can't even do this little work?'

    Your friend must be so stressed and tensed that she will not be able to think more than the moments she is living and would like to only see that she doesn't get the next bout of scoldings or harrassment and so would just surrender and keep quite.

    You must help her in need. First of all you must make her understand that she is not a slave , but a human being and must care for herself only then can she take care of her kids. Give her the mental strength and encourage her to first try finding solutions amicably. It very much differs from person to person, so she must judge how and when to talk to her DH. That part if she does confidently, would work. Otherwise, she must find different ways like getting into a job and so on.

    But the first and foremost is she must get out of the fear, realise that she is also as respectable a human being as anyone else and stand for her rights. I think once she herself prepares mentally, she will have the courage and strength to fend for herself and her children and be able to pave her own way to happiness. You need to be a moral support to her.
     

Share This Page