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Do You Work Hard For Making Friends?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by anika987, Oct 14, 2016.

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  1. Oct 14, 2016 #1
    anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    I have been in good and bad friendships..have touch with some lost with few etc..
    Initially, when i was newly married, i got friends coz husband's friends wives became mine.Though we did not hit it off instantly,because we had constant interaction as we lived nearby we overlooked our flaws and we are still in touch even when they moved back to India..(so very unlucky me ..sigh)

    With others,i just could not get along, had lot of cold wars but had constant interaction coz we all lived in the same community and now once getting an independent house we lost touch.not that they or i bother.

    NOTE: those interactions,potlucks,get togethers were also possible because we were all young,living in the same community and no kids

    Now after coming to my new community,i have touch with my neighbors we meet for community party,go for poojas BUT otherwise noone calls nor we have constant touch like everyday like when we were newly married.we meet and we are formal etc..there is this "lingering loneliness" all the time despite seeing people everyday be it in kids schools,grocery stores etc..how do i make it clear?i feel insecure when alone..once kids are back home i am back to normal.

    suddenly past few days i have this thought..after kids grow up and leave what will i do?i will be so lonely and there is no social life or friends or family around us and I am going to die all alone.the thought scares me a lot.i know there is a long way to go but i feel very scared..

    tried very hard to make friends,talk to friends on phone whomever i know,go for classes,go to library,go to parties these days BUT after that everyone is back to their lives..

    even going out and meeting friends,people do it once in three months and then that's it..

    I come from a joint family before marriage and lived with uncle,aunt,cousins etc.big family and never been nuclear. A thought like"If i do not make friends now and make a social circle,i will die alone".I kind of scares me.I am trying so hard and but everyone is so busy..

    how to get out of this thought?
     
    anika987, Oct 14, 2016
    anika987, Oct 14, 2016
    #1
    sindmani, vaidehi71, maddysweet and 1 other person like this.
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  2. Oct 14, 2016 #2
    MNR

    MNR Gold IL'ite

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    You have to keep yourself busy should not depend on others for time pass. If you have any hobby, so that. Or if possible start working. Look for any less demanding jobs if you have time constraint.
     
    MNR, Oct 14, 2016
    MNR, Oct 14, 2016
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  3. Oct 14, 2016 #3
    anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    i have many hobbies and I can keep busy.am
    Also looking for job but the thing is since I have less friends and even the one I made after hard work even to the extent of changing myself have moved back to India!!i feel all of a sudden at this rate am going to end up all alone when I am older.kids will leave,older relatives will be no more and all alone will be scary..if i do not start a social life now which am trying and start my network I am scared I will have no one in old age and will be left alone..I don't know why I got this thought now..probably me
    Being neuclear,not even hearing sounds of birds plus the winter thing..

    Another thing why I got scared is my uncle who was always my inspiration for positivity has come to America recently coz his son is here.he has started to crib and crib and feels lonely.if a person like him is like that I feel there is no hope for people like me..
    Thanks for your reply anyways dear
     
    anika987, Oct 14, 2016
    anika987, Oct 14, 2016
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  4. Oct 14, 2016 #4
    blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes, making friends is very hard, after a certain age. After college, I haven't had any real friends. I don't even connect to many people anymore. I have accepted that I can't make genuine friends. Everyone I have around me are an acquaintance. I am ok with it. I don't long for talks, I don't miss their presence, I don't feel alone. There used to be a point I did. I am able to be ok is coz I have accepted that it is ok to be without friends.

    I can relate to everything that you are saying. I also saw my mother break down when my sister left to the US. My mother had a panic attack, my uncle had to come home and take my mother to his house. She is an empty nester now. It took a few months for her to be ok with being an empty nester.My mother needed family and friend support in the initial months.My mom came to the US in a span of 3-4 months after my sister leaving.
    The unknowns at an older age and not able to adapt easily what used to worry my mother. After she left the US, she started to be more active and accepted that she had a goal. The goal was to retire and solidify our financial status.

    @anika987- don't think about you being an empty nester now. No. Enjoy little things with your daughter. Commit to a goal, a hobby.

    Positivity should always be renewed if you are stagnant your positivity will also get stagnant.
    Secondly, don't compare your uncle's situation to yours. Nope. You and him are different people, don't take the burden of comparing and feeling what he is going through.
    Give him solutions, when he cribs- tell him what he can do to keep himself occupied.


    Accept you will be ok without friends, family. You will be. You are very capable of it. Yu just have to accept and tell yourself its not the end of the world.
     
    blindpup10, Oct 14, 2016
    blindpup10, Oct 14, 2016
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  5. Oct 14, 2016 #5
    JustAnotherMom

    JustAnotherMom Platinum IL'ite

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    I don't work hard to make friends, but I work hard to keep them :)
     
    JustAnotherMom, Oct 14, 2016
    JustAnotherMom, Oct 14, 2016
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  6. Oct 14, 2016 #6
    whistle

    whistle Silver IL'ite

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    anika,
    i am not a stalker but i have been following your posts off and on.

    i have some thing sincere to say and its up to you to take it or leave it.

    the best friends we make are not meeting them at birthday parties or visiting each others houses. we form a bonding when we repeatedly run into the same people at a place we repeatedly go, but not with the intention of meeting them.

    think about school, college, workplace, relatives based events like weddings, festivals etc. we make the best friends there as the same set of people come there not to meet each other but for education, job, attending a function and so on. we get to evaluate, who is good and who is not. that is the power of society ( and the collective one like india's ).

    you are not in india and how do you make this happen where you live?

    go repeatedly to the same place:

    1. Tamil Sangam events: Voluteer to cook, hold a position or conduct an event. Go repeatedly.
    2. Become a Toastmasters member. I advised @ChennaiExpress to do that and she will vouch for the success she found. Your self esteem will go up. You will run into the same people. You will get a feeling of helping others and getting help from others, which are vital to forming bonds. This is a weekly event and go repeatedly. There is one in every neighborhood. This will change your life for good.

    If you don't take this up and make the next step, you will remain the same. You will not be bored tomorrow and might forget the above. But a week from now, a month from now, you will be back to the same miserable state.

    Step out of your comfort zone, try the above. I challenge you, it will make your life better.

    I will haunt you, like i did for chennaiexpress ( although only ones every 6 months ).
     
    whistle, Oct 14, 2016
    whistle, Oct 14, 2016
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  7. Oct 14, 2016 #7
    whistle

    whistle Silver IL'ite

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    JAM, are you suggesting she work hard to keep her non-existent friends (away) :) Can you tell her ( and the rest of us ) how you make friends and how to work hard to keep them
     
    whistle, Oct 14, 2016
    whistle, Oct 14, 2016
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    vaidehi71 and anika987 like this.
  8. Oct 14, 2016 #8
    anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks blindpup the acceptance should be first there..America is a lonely planet and we Indians are socially so wired and that's why it is hard for us to connect to people we meet(though we hardly get to see anyone outside lol)

    Maybe am here and should get trained to be ok to be lonely and I liked when you said"you will be ok without friends and are capable of it"..

    Who knows?life won't be the same!for all I know I might go back in the future or all of a sudden get friends or I will be ok:)

    Thanks dear
     
    anika987, Oct 14, 2016
    anika987, Oct 14, 2016
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  9. Oct 14, 2016 #9
    anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    You are right and am trying To build a social network.what I really want is.i need to see people everyday like how we do in India and see a crowd etc..have a group of people around all the time!i know it will never happen here lol but anyways..i want friends or people
    Who will come foI a lifetime and leave and go elsewhere.you won't believe but four couples I know who were good friends moved back to India:( unfair life..I feel like crying "don't leave me and stay near me forever"
     
    anika987, Oct 14, 2016
    anika987, Oct 14, 2016
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  10. Oct 14, 2016 #10
    anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    I maintain my friendship with good friends.i don't care if they don't even call but I connect and stay in touch.a lady whom I met in a grocery store 8 years back in India is in touch with me through watsapp and I have seen her only once in person.can h believe that?that is connection.she has flaws and I do too but I am able to let go with her and we are in touch.
     
    anika987, Oct 14, 2016
    anika987, Oct 14, 2016
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