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Do you have a Nagging Parent? How do you deal with it as a grown up and married child

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by APassionateOne, Apr 22, 2010.

  1. APassionateOne

    APassionateOne New IL'ite

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    My parents are married around 40 years now. They are almost nearing 60s. Right now, they got all their kids married (kids all live abroad). Now that they are retired from Government service, they took up jobs in private sector which pays them 3 folds. Both of them make 60000Rs and 20000rs each per month now. And since they are done with all the loans and their two bed room-elevator less apartment in a medium income locality on the third floor is too hard to live in (they lived there since 1990), they bought a posh 3 bed room, very elegant marble laced flat..all equipped with Flat screen TV, washer-dryer, AC etc etc very close to their commute (Very close to where they'd take the bus to go to their work. The bus ride is 1.5 hrs). So.life is all roses right now. Doesn't it sound very good. BUT...only till you hear what goes on between them...

    My dad is a nagging person (all qualities directly inherited from his mom, whom we used to love a lot growing up, but the secret is out and charm faded away..). He is very short tempered, very rude, ill-mannered, always criticizing others, thinks very HIGH of himself and considers all others as dumb, lazy and unfit and he is unsatisfied with every thing in life! In spite of all that he did a good job as a father, educated us highly and got us all married. In that process, what my mom and we all went through is a epic mahabharata. But I am glad - we kids, survived and are living our lives happily else where.

    My worry is about my mom. She still has to go through his moods and tantrums in spite of all the good things going on in their lives. He complains that his 60000 rs job is too far away (they travel in a company owned, very posh AC bus), that his job is sitting on his ass all day, when he wanted challenges (Challenging jobs are available for 15000 rs in the city they live in). He is proud of this flat they live in (Wipes it twice a day :), but nags that he had to keep working for money since my MOM pressured him to buy the apartment. He doesn't like my mom working in the same company and following him everyday (They don't see each other's faces from the time they leave the bus at the work place in the morning to when they take the bus in the evening).

    Today, my parents and I talked. and my mom and I told him (all in a calm manner - no anger, no yelling..just simple discussion and explaining), that he can take up the job he likes and live closer to the job in the same city like he wanted to. My mom can still live in the house and work the same job or some other place in the city. My mom is also ready to leave her job and come live with me and my siblings for a few months. No, he cannot part with her!

    I told him, that he doesn't have to work for money for paying off the flat, since me and my siblings will share and pay the monthly payments on the flat, since that flat was not only for them, but for all of us when we visit back home. In spite of all these, he is still nagging and unsatisfied.

    What is wrong with him? He is nearing 60..can't he calm down at least now? Can't he enjoy the fruits of his labor? He is ruining it for him and for my mom. Is there a way to deal with this? I am not overly emotional like I used to before, it still pokes me. I wish my dad was happy. I hope he does the things he like without hurting my mom and be content for once.

    Even though my husband and I are very loving to each other, I cannot stop wondering if we would end up like his parents and my parents (always hurt in their hearts and wanting something and unsatisfied.)shakehead
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2010
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: Do you have a Nagging Parent? How do you deal with it as a grown up and married c

    You can no way change your father.If your mother wanted to enjoy some of her life time then she need to proceed the way she wanted like visiting you or spending more time on the intersts which she likes to do.
    But we can't change your father.
    It's there personality ,even will not change when they are old too.
    The people with the kind personality will need something to complain all the time to make themself better people.So we no way can help them.
    Only you need to talk with your mother and see what way she wanted to lead her life happy and help her.

    My father had COPD and I didn't even know that he had COPD from last 10 years and he is managing it and he was a smoker.But recently my MIL developed it and she don't even to listen anyone,how to take care of herself.She has her own ways of doing it and every 2-3 months she is getting admitted to hospitals.
    See there are two people and one can manage without any issues and one can't.Some people are complicated and we no way can change and help them.

    Only you need to feel happy that he made success to brought all of you all the way up even though he was having his own issues.
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2010
  3. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Do you have a Nagging Parent? How do you deal with it as a grown up and married c

    My dad is also a very tough person to live with. It has always been his way or no way. At home he will not give my mom any space and right from grocery shopping, to gold shopping to cooking he would tell us the RIGHT way to do things..Arggghhh.. He is 70 now and there is no way he can change. You dad is 60 and he cannot change. Just accept him as the way he is and learn to let go of what he says. The older they become the harder it is for them to change.

    Kavya.
     
  4. aruna_077

    aruna_077 Senior IL'ite

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    Re: Do you have a Nagging Parent? How do you deal with it as a grown up and married c

    Dear OP,

    Its easier to change husband than father :)
     
  5. Dilchahtahai

    Dilchahtahai Senior IL'ite

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    Re: Do you have a Nagging Parent? How do you deal with it as a grown up and married c

    I agree with others that it is very difficult to change ur parents when they are old. My own FIL was like that. And he did not change even if it spoiled his relationship with my husband. He died with anger and hate in his heart.. How unfortunate is that. Sadly, sometimes I feel it is going to happen with us too .
    Anyway, not diverting from the topic, I think if anyone can even slightly change the parents, its the daughters. Specially the ones who are married and independent. I could see that my FIL would completely shout my husband out.. for various reasons (he married me. that was one reason). But he would not be able to do so with my SIL (his daughter). She would sometimes have to shout to make him understand but he would understand..
    MIL could not move a piece of house from here to there, that's a different story. But in this case, once he died, MIL lost her whole identity. If you have only lived your life according to what one person told you, it is very difficult to make any decision or like anything or do anything if that person is not there.
    You may try to insert that into your dad's head. That it is high time he and your mom had some independence in life since there was no surity of how long they are going to live (sorry if I sound rude). So each of them should get to do something they feel happy about. If coming to you and staying with you is it for your mom, let her do it..
    So, don't try changing him, just give him facts. I think after 3-4 such talks he would start listening.
    And to PP, in my experience it is impossible to change anyone: be it DH or DAD
     
  6. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Do you have a Nagging Parent? How do you deal with it as a grown up and married c

    I once read abt a man in 60s or 70s like this. His wife eventually died before him. He was overcome with grief and after his wife's death he was so upset that he did not treat her well. From then until his death he regretted that while they were together he could have treated her well.
    He lived miserably the remaining of his life after that.

    If you can explain to your Dad and prevent that from happening - it will be good for both Mom and Dad.
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2010
  7. OOPALL

    OOPALL Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Do you have a Nagging Parent? How do you deal with it as a grown up and married c

    Oh my....
    As people get older, they get more set in their ways and it becomes difficult to change them or deal with them.
     
  8. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: Do you have a Nagging Parent? How do you deal with it as a grown up and married c

    I have loving parents but nagging inlaws.
    Like a NINZA fight always ready with swords, either pointed towards each other or their DIL or SnIL :rotfl.

    Also when MIL is left isulted or battered she wants to vent out her frustrations via her kids to their respective spouses.
    When their DIL & SnIL learnt to run into a Shell shield, they poke their kids with sharp points, to force us out :biglaughor keep slicing their own kids once they get bored of bickering each other.

    I guess their adrenal rush comes out of these petty naggings and showdowns.. if they dont do it they feel indigestion & low in life. Also they cant stay away even for a day.. there's nothing much that can be done now.. .its a conditioning of 40+ yrs.
     
  9. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Do you have a Nagging Parent? How do you deal with it as a grown up and married c

    Dear Passionate,
    Sorry to hear your troubles. I know it hurts and want to do something but all you will end up doing is worrying too much and spoiling your own life.

    You cannot change your parents. Best way to handle your dad is to ignore his complaints.Some people love to complain ..thats their "thing". Next time he starts complaining
    • just listen without answering.
    • Change the topic
    • Hang up saying someone is knocking or something like that.
    Your mother has lived with him for so long.She knows how to handle him.Probably she is also used to his ways. Do let her know that she is welcome to visit anytime and leave it to her to plan that anyway she likes.

    Don't try to play Marriage counsellor to them. Its too late for that.

    Please don't worry yourself.Think that you did the best you could and leave it at that.

    Take Care.
    FL.
     
  10. Messi789

    Messi789 New IL'ite

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    Re: Do you have a Nagging Parent? How do you deal with it as a grown up and married c

    As people have stated, accept your parents and move on with your own life, you cannot change them and they will be like that, it happens to me.
     

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