Do you expect your husband to discuss the house contract before signing?

Hi Aaruni,

I am sorry for what you are going through. It looks like you are taking a lot of effort in trying to open up your husband, but he is looking the other way. What is in the complexion of a person? Just nothing. I know a lady who is fair skinned and very beautiful but she has does not have a fair view and attitude.

Your husband should have consulted you before signing the contract and you should have been a part of the process. I do'nt intend to hurt you, but he seems to have a sadist attitude. I hope good sense prevails on him.

 

I am sorry to hear abt your situation. I too beleive that only fairness or looking good does not mean a woman in beautiful. God only help such men who think that way! Beauty has to come from your heart...which you have I think....so cheer up!
I would say...don't try to please him by doing things he likes......you do things that pleases you most and what you feel is right...that way you will be more confident and happier and maybe your hubby will see a different person in you and change himself. And please don't shut off friends or anything that you used to like doing before your marriage.....just because you are married does not mean you have lose your earlier identity and friends etc. Get a job here and start being yourself again.....hoping that god will open your hubby's eyes...if not he is losing very important thing in life...happiness!!

About the house contract - he MUST have included you in the contract. Period. Its a joint asset and it belongs to you both and your kids. God forbid if something happens to him here and you are left alone, then does that mean you cannot even claim the house. Try to make that point to him.....and see what he to say. If not for you...he should alteast think about your kid.

Cheer up,
Sihi

 

Well I think many people have given you words of empathy and kindness. I dont want to repeat the similar vibes. But yes I do feel your pain.
All I would suggest, You are the woman and he s the man.. Woman has more power and skill than she knows about herself. Your husband looks like one crude human being who doesnt know how to conduct his life. Most Indian men would fall in this category. I would say Man needs training to be a good husband. And every wife has to do that job. Those who are quick enough to realise it get it faster than others. for few lucky one they get things ready made.. rest all have to juggle around.
You can never change a person's core. But you can always train them how to be happy with you. I do this all the time to my husband..
few suggestions , if you have any questions.. feel free to ask further.

- How s ur sex life going.. Make sure you are getting this on track. Often with time people just take this very sidelined thing. Its the Main thing for guys.. Indian woman often ignore it. But I think half the problem arises from that.
- Never sulk, complain and nag.. You need to really get this guy interested in life. I think he s just plain bored of everything.
- you shudnt leave ur good job for this kind of life.. Regain ur job. and regain ur self who was happy-go-lucky. Never change urself for negative influence in ur life.
- all 3 of you need nice vacation. plan some thing after discussing with ur hubby
- A woman is life of the house. If you become depressed and withdraw urself. The house will become like that. So you need to get ur vibrant self back.
- I can bet once u r cheerful.. Your husband will get some bit affected. A smile can really melt any dry heart.
- You need to get his attention on persuing his interests . It could be sports, books anythign he likes apart from work..
- you got to train ur kid also to incite some interest in father.

I hope this give some clues... Wish u luck and strength.

 

Hi Aaruni,

so sorry about the hard times you are going through. I strongly believe inner beauty is much much more important that the physical beauty. What do you do with all the beauty with no soul? We got to make the best of the situation.

You sound to be a strong woman. Stand up for yourself. Please concentrate on what makes you happy. Start with small stuff to keep yourself busy. Make new friends. A few friendly faces just wishing a good day makes a lot of difference. Doesn't sound like your husband perspective is going to change anytime soon.

Kids generally have a good sense about their environment -- be it your confidence or happiness. Surely over time you are going to gain confidence. It will reflect in your kid as well.

Sometimes men are just pigheaded. It is usually my way or no way. As some fellow ILites have suggested, the property belongs to both of you. With Property in both your names, you will have better control of the situation later, be it selling or better prepared in an unfortunate circumstance.

Good Luck and cheers,

 

Hi Aaruni,

Your husband should have discussed the contract with you and signed your name also on it. However, even if he did not do it, because you are married and the house was bought after marriage, I think you do have half the right over it (as far as US laws go). This is what I read somewhere recently. You could check with a lawyer over this if you want.

As others have suggested, it is time to get your husband back on track and after you..rather than the other way round. Your husband said certain hurtful things to you..and I think they are partly responsible in lowering your self esteem and making you sad (along with his hurtful behavior of course).

You said you were working before and had loads of friends etc...what is stopping you from doing the same now?

You have become such a devoted wife that your husband has started taking you for granted. In general (and that's been my experience) men like to do the chasing and they will chase you more if you ignore them a bit ...:-D

Please go ahead and live a little.

1) First of all go and check out the best hair salon and spa in your city. Then go and get yourself pampered there. It will cost a bit, but what the heck..a good hair cut can make you feel like a million bucks. If you don't already do so, then start taking care of your skin..more than the complexion, it is the glow on the skin that is important.

2) Go to the cosmetics section in a nearby Macy's or Dillard's. There are ladies there whom you can ask for a free makeup consultation. They will give you invaluable tips.

3) Buy a few nice dresses and start wearing them everyday. For shopping for dresses, take a friend along whose dress sense you admire. It will help you in selecting the ones that look good on you.

4) Start exercising. Join a gym and go there regularly. It will help you in feeling better and lighter.

5) Do not wait for your husband to plan your next outing or party or whatever. Organize your son's birthday party yourself. If your hubby says something to spoil it, tell him " Don't spoil the party for your only child. You don't believe in celebrating nice occasions, but I do. You don't believe in remembering happy occasions, but I do. " If the birthday is not round the corner, then just organize a get together or potluck at home with all your friends. Have fun and games at the party.

5) If you left your job to be with your husband, go and find another one. Regain your financial independence. It will give you more say in what your husband decides to do monetarily in the future.

PS: Just a suggestion..if you have dental insurance, go to an orthodontist and ask if the gaps in your teeth can be corrected. I have seen a lot of people wearing braces in my office for a few months to correct the way their teeth look. So don't feel shy about doing it.

DO NOT discuss all this with your husband. Chances are he will only discourage you.

Go forth and change your life and your look and it will change your outlook on life.. believe me...take care and all the best!!

 

Dear Aaruni,

Have you or your husband thought about the legal aspect??

Present this to him...

Touch wood if any thing happens to him, will the house be easily transferable to your name ?? Will there be any fees due for the transfer ?? Are you knowledgeable enough to handle the the transfer?? is it not good to have both your names on the contract now than to pay fee later (if applicable) for having to put it on your name??

So gently put this point in front of him and may be he will reconsider??

having only one person's name on any type of contract is good only for protecting the other partner when declaring a bankruptcy / default.

By just having only his name on the contract does not protect him if you decide to file divorce and sue him for alimony /child support. The system here takes into consideration all assets owned either jointly or single /individually by both the spouses.

Hope things will turn for the better for you...

 

Wow so many responses, after reading everything I think the problem of not including u in the house contract is just a very small portion of the bigger problem

The big problem seems to be like he just doesnt think you are important atall

Does he get close to you atall (physically or emotionally) ??

i mean this is ridiculous that he doesnt like u bcoz ur not fair......u cant change the color of your skin......I can understand a husband saying to a wife you are too thin or fat or out of shape etc etc ....these things can be changed

Well considering everything i really feel u need to analyse the root cause of all this and try to solve that.....everything else will then automatically fall in place

Payal

 

Hi Aaruni:

It is terrible that we women leave our familes and get married to start a new life full of hope and end up with such inconsiderate men!! He does not deserve any sympathy or reasoning for his behavior. He is just being a pig.

Forget everything else, if he is not even helping you with your child, then that shows that nothing matters to him in life. He is never going to change and you will get more and more bitter each day.

You really have to decide if you have the patience to live with this guy for the rest of ur life and put up with this nonsense or if you think this is unbearable and want to live a better life by yourself, with your child.

If you decide on the latter, in this country, it all depends on what your visa status is. If you have a green card or are a citizen, then there is nothing like it. You have to take this as a slow ....year long process and establish things slowly. Get a job, build a social network, get yourself financially secure and by then, if he still has not changed, then look for a good attorney and leave him. There is no overnight solution, but just a phased approach to a better life.

You are only 31. You have ur whole life ahead of you. Do you think you want to put up with this for the rest of your life? I saw a recent survey that said every 3 women out of 5 married women in the US is divorced once or more. They all do it for a reason......no one gets out of relationships just for fun. So, if you do decide to leave him, just remember, you are not alone. You will end up being more happy in the future and a better mom!!

 

Aaruni,
Talk to him about the advantages (read Sihi's third para) of adding your name in the title. Enforce him that it is very important for the family. You can contact the title company to add your name or you could approach any attorney (have to pay fees) who will finish the job.

Coming to your husband's behavior, open up to him. Tell him how you feel. Don't take any quick decisions. Giving advice is easy, to be in that situation is very difficult. Stay calm!

best wishes,

 

Dear Aaruni

I came back today to give some suggestion to you..but looks like all the other ilites have said exactly what I wanted to say...

Just start living your life again..just ignore him for sometime...act like he does not even exist...get back all your friends and take care of yourself and your son.

Here like Nivedi said,your husband is truly a sadist.He did not want to marry you in the first place but since he had already given his word,he did not want to back-up and take the blame for it all.Instead he chose to marry you and torture you quietly for not fault of yours.So,in the eyes of everyone,he is a very good guy but the reality is otherwise.What has happened now-He has succeeded in his efforts-got you to get into a cocoon of your own,cut all ties with others and lead a life only thinking about him,but he does not care!!!!

You sure are strong...that is all that is needed...take back your life,girl:2thumbsup: