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Do you expect your husband to discuss the house contract before signing?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Aaruni, Aug 15, 2007.

  1. Aaruni

    Aaruni New IL'ite

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    Dear ILites,
    I would like to know your opinion on this.

    We have recently signed for a house contract.

    While sigining the papers the realtor asked my husbaband if your wife is on contract. He said no and signed all papers just in his name.

    This was two months back. A few days before I told my husband, ' I thought at least you should have discussed this with me before signing'. I do not want to be in the contract. But this is such an important step in ones life and I thought such decisions must be made together.
    My husbad says he did not feel that this needs to b discussed with me.

    The same with everything in my husbands family. Last time when I went to India (Just me and our son) there were a functions in my husbands family. They did not invite me. I was with my parents. When I asked my husband he said 'it's not necessary that we should invite other people for these things.

    He normally doesn't talk much. If I just say for eg: 'I am not feeling well or somethins' he would say he doesn't tell people about his problems and keep it with himself. So I should also be like that. I am a very private person. But I think I can tell my husband anything just for support. He does not like it. Infact for anything that I say he will try to find something to prove that I am wrong . A normal conversation is not at all possible.

    I saw posts here about bday , wedding anniversary gifts etc. i have been so unlucky in all these. Not that he does not remember it. He remembers and after two days passed he will say 'I do not believe in such things. So no wishes, no gifts. Same with any festivals. I do traditional ritulas and food onfestivals, He would just sit on the chair , watch tv , eat when everything is ready and, go back to tv / sleep. For festivals also 'he would say ' i don' believe. So we didn;t have any bday party fr sons bday too.
    But he would certainly attend all his friends and theirs families bday parties without fail with nice gifts.
    This will go on if write , I won't be able to stop. About me..31 yrs old, I have baby and resigned to my job to take care of my son. I try to discuss issues with my husband sometimes just to make undesrtand what am thinking. But he gets furios and never accepts anything. For eg: if say 'I need some help with baby. He will say now I will take care of myself, you do not have to cook etc. (..but nothing happens other than watching tv)

    Anyway this was just some sharing with you. Any thoughts?
     
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  2. payalg

    payalg New IL'ite

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    Wow this is such a perfect example of the dominating husband. I can totally understand ur situation, your husband seems to be full of himself and does not care about your feelings or likes

    I dont know what to tell you, but one thing is for sure, if u keep quiet and dont say anything this will go on and on.....

    You need to step up and make him realize ur his wife and not his servant and that he needs to respect u and understand ur feelings

    Maybe some senior members can be more specific about this .....hopefully everything gets sorted out soon

    All the best
    P
     
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  3. sunitha

    sunitha Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Aaruni

    Is there something else we are missing here? Definitely,your husband is avoiding you when it comes to anything and everything. Was he forced into this marriage with you against his wishes? His behaviour sure says so.
     
  4. Aaruni

    Aaruni New IL'ite

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    Hi Sunitha,
    You are right.
    He proposed me and talked to my parents about marriage. Reason he liked my character and wanted my type of a girl.

    Few months later, he said he was looking for a much fair wife, (I am medium complexion), Also I have some gap between my teeth( which is not so bad). These are two big issues for him. So i told him well then lets not get married. I kept on telling no to get married. I think as he told my parents already he did not want to come out of it. This is the reason.
    Though I tried my best , i could not force anyone from this marriage.
    We were living and working in different places after marriage. He never wanted to come and visit me then. It was me who used to drive or fly to meet him during weekends. Then cook for a week for him and come back. Also he never talk to my parents. If i give the phone to him, he would say just a few words.
    Things are much better now. But I never had any such experience of newly wed. No movie,no honeymoon, never any new clothes,no ornaments.Nothing. Whatever I have now is what i have bought myself.Luckily I had a good job.
    I am not expeting any miracle. I a hoping that things will slowly be in place. Often i get irritated when he compliments his friend's wife. (Now he stopped it) When I visit them they also try to teach me how to be a good wife. I just don't say anything because they do not know the reason.
    For the same reason even when I got pregnant, no care, never discussed anything about baby, not even once , not even to select a name for the baby.

    I am just telling this here, just to share these. I do not want to tell this to my friends or parents or relatives. Seeing and reading everyone post is comforting.

    AAruni.



     
  5. Abha

    Abha Bronze IL'ite

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    Ohh god living in such a relationship can be hell...

    okey so is your husband the Adonis or what ? or he thinks too much of himself... he is living in the superficial world of his own thinking himself to be the Greek God ? tell him to com down on earth, if he wants to be happy

    He doesnt know what he is missing in life. thinking about looks is just soo Petty... and YOU boost up ur self esteem, you are the most good looking girl. and in a marriage whats important is love not looks, whats important is how you stand by each other... i mean tell him that when he grows old and his teeth fall and he has wrinkles all over his face and cant walk without a stick, you will be with him not for his looks but for who he is, cos he is ur husband and you both have vowed to be with each other.

    well sweety i cant suggest much as i'm too young to say anything to you. Tell your husband to wake up to real life before its too late... cos time is flying and when he will wake up his hands will be empty.

    ~Abha
     
  6. sunitha

    sunitha Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Aaruni

    Many men have such attitudes..even if they are average looking,they will want beautiful wives.My grandmom's brother was like that..he rejected so many girls because,well they were not good looking and what was he..well,lets not talk about that.When he came home once,my mom(he was her uncle but younger than her in age) gave him a piece of her mind-'Do you think you are some manmadhan(Cupid)? Why don't you just look at the girl's character instead of her looks?' That was it.He refused to step into our house after that.It has been 20 yrs now!!!!

    Some of these things we can never change..it is really sad when we have to go thru' it...I pray to God He gives you the courage to stand up to all this.Someday,your husband will fall from this pedestal of his and realise your value...until then,you will just have to be patient.
     
  7. Shobanag

    Shobanag Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Aaruni - so sorry to read about your plight - Sunitha, Abha & Payalg have all echoed my thoughts - beauty and looks are temporary - what is permanent is the person inside. Obviously you have tried talking to him and it is not working. He has no idea what he is missing out on - you seem like a very sweet person to have put up with him for so long - what is it going to take for him to realize that he is ruining not only your life but also his. You guys are young and should be making the most of your lives - one day when he realizes what he has done, he is going to realize all the time he has lost. If your son is growing up in this condition, that is not good. Please talk to him about his relationship with his son as well - if he keeps this distance from the both of you, it will affect his relationship with his son. I dont think any father would like that. Keep up your faith and hope the situation will turn around slowly.

    Shobana
     
  8. kanaka Raghavan

    kanaka Raghavan IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Aaruni
    I am also of the opinion that inner beauty is much more beautiful than the external one.As shobana says you are all still young and have a long long way to go.Do not miss out the best years of your life.Talk out frankly with your husband.Your child should have happy childhood.Otherwise this would have an impact on him in the long run.Your husband should be happy and make the best out of what he has got instead of yearning for something which is not there.Make the best out of situation.Time simply flies .................I have a good married life so far and you being young should also have a lovely ,warm relationship with your husband.I sincerely pray for that.....................
     
  9. Aaruni

    Aaruni New IL'ite

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    Dear Kanaka,Sunitha,Payal and all,
    Thank you for your advice and support.
    I have talked to him many times about what you have been telling. He always says ' I am like this, I have told you before marriage itself etc".

    I am not that bad looking. Otherwise he would not have proposed me and married me at all.It's just that I am not too fair. He wanted a really fair woman .( I often smile at this)

    And I think whey did we all study well, got good scores, nice job, tried to improve our skills each time whenever we get chance, thinking that our life in future will be better. Just to marry such people.

    I had a good personality and I had lots and lots of friends and a very good name at my office. After marriage i slowly shut down everything .I resigned my job, my friends (except a few close friends that I am still in touch with).

    I have tried my best to make him understand that this life is short and we will not be young for so long and we must enjoy what we have etc etc..But no use. I am loosing my patience. Now all I have is anger towards him.

    Also please let me know what do you think I should do about the house contract. How is this for you all? Are you all included in your house contract?

    I appreciate all your help.
    Aaruni
     
  10. Tulasi

    Tulasi Silver IL'ite

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    Hey Aaruni,
    That’s your right to have your name on the house contract! You are his wife and you two are equal in a marriage! Regarding his behavior looks like you have done and doing what ever you can do to change him. Some times its better to change
    Your self to be happy then changing the other person.
    So what I am saying is you try to be happy & have positive attitude towards life. and last thing is please don't compare with others that’s the main culprit to make anybody's life unhappy...and live for yourself.. forget about what other people think about you. So, looks like you are a sweet and strong willed person, good for you… your husband is at loss ok?
    Cheer up now!

    Tulasi
     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2007

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