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Do women always have to do all work?Please help!!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sadhana, Jun 22, 2007.

  1. sadhana

    sadhana Guest

    Hello friends,

    I am married for the past 4 months. Me and my husband both work in IT companies. Though my MIL is quite good by nature, she expects me to work when my she is working. Even on days when I am late from office or feeling tired, the next day I have to get up early, sweep and clean house, cut vegetables, help her in cooking etc etc. There is literally no work in home after we both leave to office. Some days I feel dog tired but I am not able to say anything even to my husband since our relation is new. By tradition they feel that women should do all house work, so I cant even call my husband for help.
    On weekends also I have work when she works and rest when rests. I feel my life has become mechanical with not much freedom. Sometimes I get very stressed due to work at both office and home.
    The worst part is If someday I get up a bit late she still keeps my part of the work though she will have so much time to do it. I feel very irritated but she speaks very nicely and acts as if nothing has happened. Indirectly then she starts saying about how thier daughters work so hard.
    friends should i be telling this to my husband. I am ready to do all work most of the days but only on days when I am tired I feel like crying out. My husband likes his mom very much and he cant hear my complaints abt her. He often says I am lucky to get her. So I am afraid to tell anything. Though my husband is nice and will help me in work I am afraid to ask his help on days when I am tired in front of my inlaws because of thier tradition.

    Y is that inlaws dont realise that I am also working at office and they dont say their son anything? What should I do???..:cry: :cry: :cry:
     
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  2. hasita

    hasita Bronze IL'ite

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    hi Sadhana,
    What do you do with your paycheck? Do you save it all or do you also contribute to the household?

    If you are saving it all, then ok.
    If not, then try to tell your husband that if you are expected to work to contribute the household, then it is not possible for you to manage all of it. Gets too tiresome. So, tell him you would leave job and do only household work. If your contribution is much wanted, probably he will get the point and maybe help you out occasionally (depending on his nature and upbringing).
    You need to change that too, but gradually, as it might be viewed negatively since you are newly married.

    If you are saving it all, then try getting this point across that you are unable to manage both, so will keep a cooking maid - probably one who comes in for an hour or so - she can help you and m-i-l with cooking.
    You can decide whether you want to pay this lady yourself (depending whether in future they might demanding that you pay for other stuff as well, so think and decide that).


    Slowly, over time, try talking to your husband that nowadays females also work, so kitchen and house management has to be handled accordingly. Probably he can help with some groceries shopping etc. if you are doing that too.

    Do keep us posted..
    best,
    hasita
     
    sindmani, InnerBliss and rgsrinivasan like this.
  3. sadhana

    sadhana Guest

    Hi Hasita,

    Thanks for the reply. My in-lwas only wanted me to work. This was the only condition that they put forth to me during marriage. But actually even I dont want to leave my job because even the little freedom I am having now will not be there if I quit.

    I contribute an amt monthly to the house. My husband only does the grocary shopping and is quite helpful by nature.

    My in laws are very conservative by nature since they struggled very hard during thier early life. Hence they dont like spending much. Also bec of thier tradition they will not like any maid for cooking. this makes things more fiicult for me
     
  4. Padmash

    Padmash Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Sadhana,
    don't worry these are starting days of married life some struggle and little patience will result good but we should be intelligent enough to take care of ourselves. Ok ur mil wants to do all work first u get maid for house cleaning, clothes there is no chance that u go office after cleaning house. i think then u r left with main cooking try to manage for that. It's not even one year complaining is not good, but u need not to complain anything to ur husband. When both of u r alone start slowly that u can't do everyday cleaning as u feel too much tired in office and not able to concentrate on work he will definitely understand u, never tell his mom should do cleaning, just tell him that u want to keep maid for all cleaning like house, clothes as well as utensils. After that i think even though if ur mil don't do any work even then u can manage. i have seen almost all couples where both are working they keep maid specially for all cleaning and cooking they do. u r feeling that when she is working u have to work when she takes rest then only u can take rest, i think u hesitate as u r newly married. u must pay respect to mil cooperate with her in work but when u feel u r tired u must tell her slowly with love that u feel tired. u have to use some tacts, now a days there is no value for hard work with hard work u must be clever enough to save urself. i hope this may help u. don't complain, keep one maid for cleaning ok. cheer up

    bye
    padma
     
  5. Anushiv

    Anushiv Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Sadana,

    Like Padma says these are the initial struggles...
    I'm married for 8yrs. I too faced /facing these kind of problems.
    Worst situation is being a house wife- it's 24hrs. job of cooking/cleaning/washing/taking care of husband/in-laws/kids.
    Like ur in-laws, mine too are conservative,hard working,talks less,expects respect in everything. they keep comparing me with their daughter.
    Initially, I used to cry, feel emotional, sentimental ...blood used to boil when ever I talk about them.
    The situation is still the same...but I'm handling differently.
    Now I talk less, now they talk more, Instead of complaining & grumbling.
    I've began to understand them ( esp.. their weakness).
    So, don't worry ...things will change. Time will teach u how to act & react.. according to situation.
    Be optimistic & enjoy ur married life!:2thumbsup:
     
    1 person likes this.
  6. Jayashree2007

    Jayashree2007 New IL'ite

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    Hi Sadhana:

    Yes, what AnuShiv told is correct...time heels everything and as she had learnt, you will also get used to handling efficiently!

    But one thing, keep ur relationship with your hub very open, unbiased, friendly and make sure you both resonate well! That will solve most of the trivial issues and serve as a first-line defense!!

    Happy married life!
    Jayashree
     
    sindmani likes this.
  7. Monsi

    Monsi Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Sadhana,
    First of all congratulations on your marriage :-D
    And now to your problem, I agree with most of the points that other ILs have put in here.
    You will have to do 2 things:
    1. Politely talk to your MIL about keeping a maid. If ur in-laws have allowed you to do the job, I am sure they will understand that you cant manage both the things. They struggled in their life, that's agreed but tell them that the times have changed now. That you both earn and so your financial condition is sound enough to afford a maid at least for Cleaning the house etc.
    And YES , I will not advice you to leave the job. As you said correctly that you will loose this little freedom also.

    2. You will have to be open with your husband. And since you are newly wedded , this is the best time when you can shape up your relationship with him the way you want. Try to make him your friend more than a lover or something. You are new to their house so it is his responsibility to make your life comfortable and happy.
    All these things can be done very politely. No need to take a sword in hands and start fighting :)-) ) . Please remember that the things will not change immediately. They will take time. After marriage both the parties compromise and change themselves in due course of time. So you have to be patient. And above all, be happy.
    Wish you all the very best. and keep us posted...
     
    sindmani likes this.
  8. Meeta

    Meeta Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Sadhana,

    Your concern is very genuine, I know even me and my husband is staying alone here and I find its difficult to do both the office and little house chores.
    And also, your life has just changed and you are not yet out of your daughterly mindset, but nothing wrong, you will take some more time to adjust to this life.
    But for now, as all have suggested, get some help for household chores as soon as possible.
    Be straight to put your point in front of your MIL, you said that she talks nicely, then you also talk nicely to her and say that its not possible for you to do these work and you need some help. If she talks abt your SIL, then admit that they have the efficiency to do all such work and you don't, and for this reason you need help from outside.
    Don't ever try to complain about your MIL to your husband, it will make him sad and you will loose his respect for you in future as a pushing personality.
    Pamper your MIL saying that ahe has done a lot in her age and now she should take some rest and spend some time on herself like going out to different places etc and small household chores can be done by you with the help of a maid. That's it. Bring some present for her and just pamper/care her the way she has never got before. You will see in some days she will give your example to your SIL.
    Just be patient and everything will be all right, I had never gone through these as we left for US withing 20 days of our marriage but I would have done this as a first-aid measure for this problem.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  9. sadhana

    sadhana Guest

    Hello all,

    thanks for these suggestions!!. Feeling better and confident now.

    Meeta, u r 100 % right in saying that I am not yet out of my daughterly mindset. I realised that now. But as u said it will take time for me to come out of it..:)

    I guess this is the problem with most of the DIL's ..changing from daughter to DIL...this transition is the most difficult part!!!!!!!!:cry:

    Cheers:)
    Sadhana.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  10. sowminivibu

    sowminivibu Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Sadhana

    well ur problem is one such which occurs to almost everybody...since u r newly wed i can understand ur situation as u r still not familiar with how ur hubby wud react if u tell sumthing to him...well its just tht u need to find the right way n right time of expressing things to him..any hubby wud feel tht u r compaining if u start off the topic as his mum epects u to work..and moreover they dunno how hard it is to manage both...u have gone thru 4 months of this..as padma had mentioned,put a maid who cums in daily for cleaning wrk and say u wud pay her frm ur money...

    just be patient and ur problems wud get solved in due course of time....for such things time is always the medicine....try not to think abt these issues and think abt much more brighter things of life.....whatever little time u get outside the house,try to spend it in the best way possible.....make urself happy and once u start doing this i believe things wud start changing for the better...:-D

    lov
    sowmi
     

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