Do mothers stop loving their sons after he marries????

your post reminds me of my experiences in such line. My dh was suffering from mild diabetes (first stage) and he himself was too careful about his diet following the diagnosis. we used to maintain a lot. But whenever we used to visit mil or she used to come she, though told about the situation, didn't bother to take it seriously and continued doing what she does about dh's food; things like adding 4-5 spoons sugar in one cup coffee, making sweet payasam for the breakfast with sweet puranpoli etc. I told her a few times and everytime she either just shrugs and didn't answer or replied in the line of 'i know what is best for my son, i am his mom'. Quite clearly she had made it ego issue, i really do not know why.

Most surprisingly my dh, who is normally so fussy about food with me, didn't utter a thing and ate all she gave him with a smile. I was so shocked and asked him. His only answer was 'its only a matter of few days. Amma cooks with love and care. I don't want to upset her and create trouble. I can always repair whatever small damage happens in these few days, later' I was shocked. he never for a sec thought that apart from his health issues, it made me look in even worse light by making it very evident that it was me who was trying to show that my mil's cooking harms my dh as i cannot stand her while dh is not supporting me in doing that. It falsifies all the health claims. In short it makes me villain.

When i said that he said, i was overreacting. I learned it the hard way and since then i never say anything about his food in front of my mil. Even when we are not with ils i have stopped bothering much about his diet. I do follow the dos and Don's. But do not fuss over little things missed at times like i used to. Now even if my dh seems to be unwilling to eat stuff by his mom, i just look away. I know this habit of dh is harming his health. But i really cannot do anything if he himself is ready to risk his own health and my respect just to please his mom's ego.

 

Do your PILs have a home of thier own or shuttling bet children?

 

I think the only mistake you have made is kept silent/ agreed to your h tell his parents that you will eat with them at 11. Why? Why should he decide for you? Let each person decide for themselves.

Dont force the pil's to eat at the earlier time. If they dont want to eat then they dont want to eat. Dont force them. But, at the same time dont voluntarily postpone your eating time and wait to eat with them. That is the problem. That is when it becomes an ego issue and turns into a power struggle because you are creating/building the expectation that they are the all powerful pils and you have to do as they want. Do as they want for them. Give the full respect. Dont entertain their suggestions for yourself.

Next time lay out the food at the earlier time and invite them to eat. If they say no, say okay. But you eat your food when you want. They will eat when they want. You finsih eating and then do the rest of your works, close the kitchen up and go about your business. Your h can sit with them at 11 and have his warm milk with them if needed.

If they complain smile and say you are tired, you have an early start the next day, you are getting acidity/indigestion from eating so late. or simplest...just say you are feeling extremely hungry and so you cant wait. then eat right away. just treat the qustion at face value and answer it an continue dont let it become a big drama. Hopefully they will not insist that you have to remain hungry and wait for 2 hours for them.

Eating time is very personal and it varies. I have seen joint families where the moms eat with their kids in the evening. Then they join pils for namesake but eat v little or nothing at all, claiming they are not feeling hungry or feeling heavy or whatever.

 

Shobha...make your husband understand that he is the one who needs to stand up and talk and make it look like his decision because they have ego problems with you .Ask him to inform them and just go about doing it.It there is drama...he can deny them the milk time too.

 

If it was me on your shoes, I would cook what is healthier to eat as per our health records, and lay the food on table at 8.30 pm the latest. I would ask everyone, specially DH (since I am responsible to care about his health) to eat on time, and wait till 9.00 pm for them to come. Whoever turn to the dining table can have my company. I would close the kitchen after cleaning other vessels and leave for my routine.

If DH wants to eat on time for his health, he have a choice there. The meal is ready on table, wife is ready for the company. If he chooses to give company to his parents and ignores his health knowing what would come as a result, I would care a damn on this. May be I shall give him a reminder or two, but then I would come to know what exactly he is up to.

Dinner timing is such a very simple issue. Had this been something like money matters, SIL marriage or visit or something like, I would consider it more sensitive and deal it accordingly.

Sure, MIL would raise her voice, complain about my attitude and what not. Has she been a saint so far, I would definitely take precautions to maintain my good name. But MIL's taunts are not new in your case, why worry?

In my view, if your H is serious about his health and the dinner timing, then he would work on it. because it is between him and his parents.

If he thinks his health at this stage can be taken for granted, but his parents' psychological stress is something that needs to be tactfully handles (as you say they can fall sick after a fight), and he really trusts their drama (thus believe they are actually sick), he would obviously skip his health rules, but make adjustments. He knows better.

If your task is to prove your DH that his parents were acting, then it takes time. He actually needs to learn this the hard way only. Not by you.

However if your plan is to protect him from their hands, then it is useless. he is an adult, and can protect himself very well.

Be protective of yourself. Eat on your comfortable time, and have the protection from your H if MIL or anyone demanded otherwise. It is your right to eat at your convenient time at your own home. I think your issue should be this one, not about your DH.

 

Dear, your MIL needs some heavy dose. It is only possible if your H is supportive. At least his understanding about the real side of his parents would be enough. If he understands them correctly, he would let you deal with them and won't direct you as to how to deal. (read the meal time. You dont need to give them company at 11 and change your style had your MIL's drama been understood by your H the right way)

Leave the kitchen open at 11 or even 12am. You go to sleep on time. Before that, wash the vesels those were ready to wash then. Others can wait at the dining table.

Do not wash them the next morning as you have other works to do. Do your routine and move on.

MIL will sure pass bad comments. Ignore.
This will sure discussed with your H on a bad note. Ignore. Since your H understands you correctly and more specifically knows his mom the best.

If your H is silent despite of his mom being reporting against you for this, that should be it.

Make a couple of incidents as similar to this. Ensure your H supports you each time, and ignores his mom. That is more than enough for your MIL to be normal.