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Do mothers stop loving their sons after he marries????

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by shobhamumbaikar, Jan 13, 2015.

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  1. Jan 16, 2015 #21
    shobhamumbaikar

    shobhamumbaikar Gold IL'ite

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    O my God! no no..i don't want to turn into her. Thanx for the warning light. I will try my best to treat her like one and ignore. But the way they manage to make every little thing in our life a matter of power struggle that it becomes really difficult to ignore.

    Give you an example. PILs take dinner @ 11 or late at night. I have done that so many years with them though my habit was a bit early dinner. It caused me some digestion issue in the beginning and then i got habituated. Now when doc told dh to take dinner by 8.30 as half an hour after dinner he is supposed to take a light walk and then a glass of warm milk and then go to bed latest by 10. We started followiing it that way. Then my pils came. dh talked to them. Either they can adapt to the new time table or they can eat later along with me ( i am supposed to give them company at 11 o clock if they choose to have dinner at that time) while dh will have on his fixed time or we may think of a time manageable by both. Following my mil's statement that she cannot even imagine to eat separately from her son and the outright denial about their having dinner at 8.30, it was decided that we will have it between 9.30-10. @ night. that day we had dinner at 9.30, dh's walk and milk were skipped but at least the bed time was managed. But the very next day when i was serving dinner and calling them all, my fil gave me a strange look and said "dinner now???? it is only evening!!! and was like :coffee i was taken aback and said we had it this time yesterday. he simply said 'no not now'. I aksed then when? He said 'we'll see' and again like :coffee

    it is things like this that piss me totally off and even dh after some time. but nothing can be said to them. or they will be SAD,and then ILL. that is why i said. Either it is a drama or dh(forget about me) is forced to go their way, compromising his health. And honestly what hurts me to the core is their tendency to insult me in such subtle ways whenever they get the slightest opportunity. :hide:
     
    shobhamumbaikar, Jan 16, 2015
    shobhamumbaikar, Jan 16, 2015
    #21
  2. Jan 16, 2015 #22
    kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    These power struggles happen in many families but you should stop bothering about their reactions and do what you feel is best. They will grumble for some time but forced to fall in line after a while. Silently start serving at 900 and if they do not wish to join its their wish. No need for you people to do everything to suit them. Set the precedent now it will be helpful to you in the long run.
     
    kma, Jan 16, 2015
    kma, Jan 16, 2015
    #22
  3. Jan 16, 2015 #23
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Shobha...till now we have only focused on your mil's role in the drama./I think you have to be frank now and look at your husband's role in enabling that drama. It may be hard to accept ,but your husband plays a big role in the dramas that play out.

    Now what was the need to discuss the new eating timing with them when they came back...knowing fully well their instincts to turn everything into a drama. Why couldn't he just follow the doctor's routine and do his thing as a part of his eating routine and let others either join or eat later on. Why does he drag them into everything? He gives them a ROLE and they drag it into a drama of 'how can I eat without my son'..

    It is one thing to respect people ...but another to give them ammunition to bring the house down. It is not so difficult for an adult to say ...I have to eat early for the sake of my health...you can eat when you want. And by expecting you to wait for them for dinner is just pushing you into the drama. Why can't you also eat when you want and finish your routine.It is not like your in laws provide the healthy dinner time experience for the family.

    Just tell them that the three of you want to eat early as you both have to go to work and son has to go to day care. Period.Thy can choose to join you all or eat later. If there is drama...hecan just tell them...'I have to worry about my health....you don't have to'.

    Your husband is a big problem here and he needs to recognize the problem and get his act together.He wants to and gets to be the good sonny boy at your expense.
     
    yellowmango, Jan 16, 2015
    yellowmango, Jan 16, 2015
    #23
    4 people like this.
  4. Jan 16, 2015 #24
    shobhamumbaikar

    shobhamumbaikar Gold IL'ite

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    i must agree with you YM as you have logic. But, according to him he did this only to let them know what i have made bold in your reply. He said either joining or eating later are two options. It is when ils declined both, that he came up with the third option of a middle path. I also gave my nod for this. But you are right. We shouldn't have come to this middle path to begin with.

    And one more thing i think the fact that their main intention is to create drama is a fact that is still to sink in totally in him. he, even me, tries to avoid drama. But the more we try the more we get into it. As after 3-4 days of continuous this kind of things from them, one day dh went and asked angrily "what is wrong with you? why can't you co-operate?" and you can easily imagine the DRAMA after that.:spin

    Thats why i said, either we are forced to comply with them compromising our health or we have to force them to do things they don't want(read eating without son in this case) leading to BIG drama. There doesn't seem to be any middle path :bang
     
    shobhamumbaikar, Jan 16, 2015
    shobhamumbaikar, Jan 16, 2015
    #24
  5. Jan 16, 2015 #25
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Shobha...you are both working. It will bee easier for you both to ignore the drama and go about your routine. But you will have to get your husband to ignore the drama.

    Get up in the morning...do your thing and move out.When you come home....go about your routine.
    Lay the food at 8 and inform everyone .
    You both eat with your child and leave food for them to eat later on....clear the kitchen and both go for a walk. Then go to bed.Let the drama happen in the background.If they act sick...let them.
    Before they complain...say things like you are looking good or your skin tone is looking good. Don't give them too much room to complain and do drama.You both keep yourself occupied.

    Tell husband to discuss positive things with them....about things at work or around him and don't give them space to bring negativity.If they try to steer the topic ...you steer it back towards something positive.....

    If they talk about sickness...he should suggest they do yoga or meditation(unless something is really wrong...which you must be able to tell by now)and again talk about his work or something positive......Stop talking and move away every time they start something negative.

    Your husband also needs to learn to deal with them properly.He can't just watch the drama unfold and reach the peak before reacting by lashing out.He needs to intervene early on and nip it in the bud.

    'Why can't you cooperate ' is just an invitation to argue and do drama...instead of that he should firmly say..."It is going to happen this way--no arguments,lets not spoil the atmosphere" ....something like this doesn't leave scope for negotiations.The first few times,there will be resistance but if he shows up his firm side ...they will learn to accept it. It would help if you are not around when he talks to his parents.It may make it more acceptable.
     
    yellowmango, Jan 16, 2015
    yellowmango, Jan 16, 2015
    #25
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  6. Jan 16, 2015 #26
    anahita5

    anahita5 Gold IL'ite

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    You are being too considerate. If my FIL said later i would have given a shrug and went about my business of eating at the right time. They might come back and create more drama for day 1, day 2... Just to avoid confrontation you are allowing them to walk all over you.
     
    anahita5, Jan 16, 2015
    anahita5, Jan 16, 2015
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  7. Jan 16, 2015 #27
    Rise

    Rise Platinum IL'ite

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    @shobhamumbaikar

    Oh no dear you cannot compromise health to drama ... its so wrong....

    You and hus need to follow the timing given by doctor...

    Will you compromise if hus gets a heart attack at an early age, will you compromise he get liver issues at early age.... think tht way you cannnot compromise health to drama
     
    Rise, Jan 16, 2015
    Rise, Jan 16, 2015
    #27
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  8. Jan 17, 2015 #28
    nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    Shobha,

    Both you and your husband know their nature. In future, limit their visits. Go to visit them, or let your husband visit them. You don't need this drama in your home. Let them feel the consequences of their behavior.
     
    nb25, Jan 17, 2015
    nb25, Jan 17, 2015
    #28
  9. Jan 17, 2015 #29
    shobhamumbaikar

    shobhamumbaikar Gold IL'ite

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    thanks fro your reply nb25. Yes we too think so. But you know what? It is not in our hands to limit their visits. they simply do not care what we want and simply calls their son and tells them to book ticket and say they will think about return ticket later on. And this they do maximum within a couple of months after they leave. They were absent for a long time only once, the time we needed them for my pregnancy complication/child birth/postpartum/dh's sickness. before that they were always with us since the day of marriage and after that also they are almost always with us barring a coupe of months in 9-10 months. and and no excuse will be entertained by them. Once we had to visit a very good friend of my dh's wedding in another city and ils wanted to come during that time. But even the fact that we would not be here couldn't stop them from coming. we had to keep the keys with neighbor and they DID come.
     
    shobhamumbaikar, Jan 17, 2015
    shobhamumbaikar, Jan 17, 2015
    #29
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  10. Jan 17, 2015 #30
    shobhamumbaikar

    shobhamumbaikar Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry for sounding so negative in response to all your suggestions dear friends. I don't mean to. Its just that my condition is such :cry:. Any ways thanks for your reply.
     
    shobhamumbaikar, Jan 17, 2015
    shobhamumbaikar, Jan 17, 2015
    #30
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