Do Kids Birthday Parties Create Comparison?

@Viswamitra
If you read my comment carefully, nowhere did I mention that you were judgmental.

But you could see that the message was there right? Similarly, the OP's post was nothing else but that despite her declaration.

Also, I have nothing more to say in this thread.
I did not want to say anything in the first place, but came here only because you tagged me.

 

@kkrish,

I am exhausted as well on this thread. Thank you for responding to my tag.
Somehow, I misunderstood Vedhavalli as asking how to teach such value to a 4 year old. It is my fault I read it differently than almost all others who commented here. I respect all the views expressed here. With that said, let me take a break here.

I also misunderstood some of your questions as addressed to me such as

.

Viswa

 

@Viswamitra thanks for the tag..but i am not sure where i would fit in.the key is balance..

In the whole 23yrs my dd (had her bday just couple of days before) and no we did not have any celebrations..the one that had 20-30 people was when she turned 6..we wanted her to have the experience once and after that it has been simple home baked cake, a gift mostly books or art material..
I have not used bdays to talk about dis parities..i have talked about it using bottled or packed juices and chocalate bars to school snacks, stating that another parent should not be pressurised by thier kid to buy it to bring it to class., what if they had to struggle like we did sometimes..

We patronise a orphanage but have never celebrated a birthday there, they know all the dates and call to wish..my fil at 82 is all smiles receiving their wishes. We tell them to make 4yr/5 yr olds birthdays memorable....we visit on a regular day, serve and eat the same food..and to share we dont look for special days..we celebrate those kids achievements,marriages and more..and my kids learn seeing this..

The young man has started reaching out to his friends from assam and now kerala ..the uni mates..

You teach or nudge them, rather than preach them..we fall raise with them..we learn..and they learn..

Not sure if this is in context..

I would like to share something i saw while i.was in a coach tour couple of months back..

The mother and daughter both had birthday's coming up. The dad was in the high income bracket and was pretty indulgent. Both the kids, the daughter and son did have iPhones..now comes the incident.. the father gets the mom a rado. The daughter says she wants only a iwatch and some perfume forgot the name but wS expensive.. the father says will get you a fitbit. The daughter refuses and stands firmly on getting the iwatch.. i would not have given it much thought if it was not for a spew of comments from the girl, something that was like what did thr mother do to.deserve the watch in a singular and very harsh language.. i was shocked. The mother said the perfume because another classmate got.it from.paris..so she has to.have it. The girl was in 8th while the boy was in 3rd.

I just felt,honestly , i was blessed period, my kids observed understood how hard meeting ends was sometimes and never asked much.. coming to.the other parents, their social circle, their parenting techinques are theirs and i am.not the.moral police what works for them..

So, what works for each of us. Parenting is not about brownie points.. Parenting is a journey we learn to gether with our children, and sometimes they become yours, and if they turned out well, be happy to have been part of it.

 

Hi @Vedhavalli I wish to apologize to you for this portion of my post. I think this extrapolation to your other threads was completely unnecessary and totally out of the line. I did hesitate for one second before I hit the submit button, wondering if I should remove this portion, but went ahead against my better judgement and posted it anyway. While writing sermons on teaching my child not to judge, I did exactly that with this portion of my post and for that, I wish to profusely and sincerely apologize to you.

@Viswamitra sir, thank you for calling me out on that.

 

Don'r be so harsh on yourself @peartree. We start to analyze and connect things the way you did and sometimss in the flow of the moment end up posting more..
If people did own up for doing it atleast a few times, il would not have lost a few good members, especially the parenting forum, it is this forum's loss and not theirs.

I was smiling while i read about the cows herds, and how most parents used it.. when my young man was a 5 yr old and hated school, yet fond of mythology and panchatantas would say i will go herding like krishna, i can have fun all day..no need to write and can ride the cows.. he kept repeating it for long and i told him see play and study happened and how would he have known the direction, the number of cows, the nice grass, how to call for help when there was a tiger..and sigh we understood the need for education as not jusr marks then, today he tells me i wish we had handson schools rather than this marks race. When he started playing cricket he wanted to be like sachin,and dravid thank god for me both went to school..i told him, you need to go to sxhool parallely, to learn science and maths maths to keep track of his runs and science to learn the hold of bat and the batting swings.. (well improvised a lot through each phase..and esp a focussed latching to one thing kid like my son, traits of his spectrum)

And yes, tolerance to others food and religion needs to be explained w..it may feel yuck to us being vegetarian but it is their food, their choice to eat and they enjoy it..food is to be enjoyed and we have no right to judge what others eat..

Comparing,.. what i did..a is good does not mean b is bad, it is just that b is better at something.. and never ask why i gave your sister something and not you..if you also want it, you can ask me for the same without any hesitation and i will explain why no or will give the same. I explained there was no need to feel jealous or angry that someone did/ is better than you, it could be they put more effort, worked on it sacrified a lot for that. And last weekend, my daughter was telling me, i always used to wonder why amma always said you can do better than this the next time, and never compared with my classmates when i was in smaller classes and as grew older, i understood i need to be better myself and i can be me and cant be someone else....(the hits and losses of parenting)
I think this has to be explained and practiced, in this phase of the world, where we cant accept failures, somebody being better than us, and instant results..

Coming to my being here again, I remember saying this long back in some thread here.. sometimes, away from your near ones, your need to not be like your parents, your need to do the best for your child, you think you are doing right, but the oscillation of are we right/wrong goes on to the extent you want a neutral perspective and you end up posting threads like the op did. The society judges a parent a lot..puts the seed of doubt a lot.

Have this friend whose pre teen is doing wonderfully in the us..enter the friend's mom, she says your son is disrespectful (for voicing his opinions), for not getting 100 in everything (while another grandchild is getting 100))..i told my friend this..we are all chained to invisible yardsticks and milestones, based on our own experiences, our environment, our expectations, so take what suits you and smile away what doesn't..you are upset with the issue not the person..

A office colleagues kid of your kid's age goes to 5 classes other than school while yours does not..the impish seed of doubt starts..am i doing a mistake,am i depriving my kid...(we all go through)..it takes strength to stand by your thoughts and decisions, especially parenting.. a forum like this gives you the chance to voice your doubts and fears and i sometimes have felt my life would have been easier if had know @teacher, @Laks09 when i was struggling with my son..

sometimes the need to understand what the op is trying to convey and not just what is typed, ( i know it is hard) goes a long way..nobody is perfect, yet the need to scale perfection is a goal we try achieving..
there is way to say no without saying a no..if what i mean is understood..

 

Sweet of you!!..