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Do I Need To Trust My H ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by b86monica, Sep 29, 2020.

  1. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    If its normal visit, what is there to blackmail?
    If there is nothing illegal/ unethical/immoral, how can she blackmail him. So there are other details in this story.

    I feel its good to inform someone in your family too. Else,he will put all his blame on you. But it can affect your married life. So do whats best for you. He shouts because he wants to silence you.

    You can talk to your husband and demand full details including her name, facebook page etc. Tell him,if he dont you will inform both sides of family as you dont see a future with these kind of lies. Stay strong.
     
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2020
    shravs3, KashmirFlower and BhumiBabe like this.
  2. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    @b86monica
    Wow, lady, you have super trusting nature! He's told you a pack of lies. Only 2 statements are facts. 1. He went there in the middle of night without telling you. 2. She called the police on him. Rest is all concocted and his version.
    To answer your Q: should you trust him? well that's entirely up to you. Personally I would want to know exactly what happened - the truth - and only after that decide about trust and continuing with such a person.
    In your place, I would re-examine entire story, incl your own assumptions- for eg. 'he went there because he has helping nature' - some men behave differently in society before other men and families -, and differently when alone with women. Even you know he behaves differently with you when alone. So. Cant just assume he went there for 'helping her'. This is your wrong assumption. So please, check whole story and every assumption.

    Nobody calls police just because someone took their phone. Police has better things to do. And if police actually went to her place and was writing out her complaint, then it was a very serious matter. Even police refuse to entertain less serious matters and ask people to sort it out themselves.
     
    sarvantaryamini and blindpup10 like this.
  3. AppuMom

    AppuMom Silver IL'ite

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    Involving inlaws or parents may bring in blame games and more dramas.This will make or break your married life.What do you want to do ? If you are thinking to solve this mess and come out or live separately , think about how you are going to manage this.Have all the answers ready if you are involving parents/inlaws because they are going to confuse you or ask you to adjust or forget and forgive and live normal.Living with a person whom you do not trust is not easy and this will drain you out.
     
  4. Halosandwings

    Halosandwings Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Monica,

    I only read your initial post and thought of sharing my 0.02 as a wife of a repeat offender. Do not believe anything he says. I will briefly share what happened with my H. He continued to have contact with other woman after I chose to give him another chance. By the time I realized what was going on behind my back baby no 2 is on the way. I wanted to end this nonsense. My family sympathizes with me but did not support my decision citing kids. BTW, didn't Obama come from a broken home? So, a tolerable state of marriage was attained through third party mediation. I see a therapist and came off of antidepressant recently.

    I would share couple of things and you can decide whether you should trust your H or not. My H was never completely truthful. Its either a blatant lie or a white lie. I collect the evidence first and ask him questions then I provide the proof to show he is lying. I do think he feels bad about his actions but not remorseful. He tells me that the other lady made the contact and he was supporting and helping her. I dont believe it at all. As far as I am concerned it takes two hands to clap and it is very convenient to blame other person. The OW is an adult and I am sure can handle her ****. I opted not to talk to the other woman.. What is she is a real crazy person and if her H comes to know about this and kills himself or her.. I dont want anybody's blood on my hand and I can not live with it. I realize that I have to remain financially independent which I am. Also, I made the mistake of tending him too much.. I learned the hard way that my rights did not matter in this marriage. Better late than never and I am standing up for myself.

    My suggestion is collect any evidence before you confront or involve family. His family may sympathize with but ultimately support him. Any small mistakes you have made in the past will be highlighted thoroughly. Nobody is perfect but your H will make you look like a hybrid of a bitch and a witch. Take control of the money you make. There is some truth to once a cheater is always a cheater. to stay or leave is up to you. A tolerable marriage can be achieved even if you dont like him. Free communication though becomes impossible. Its better to anticipate answers before asking any questions and it is like playing chess in your mind. What ever you choose understand it is not your fault. You are awesome.. believe in that.. take care
     
    stayblessed, Rihana and DDream like this.
  5. dharmastick

    dharmastick New IL'ite

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    It's not an easy battle of marriage. Just be strong, everything happens for a reason, and let the love of God shine upon you.
     
  6. Halosandwings

    Halosandwings Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    I forgot to mention something in my ramble. It would be better for you to involve your elders.. either your parents or sibs or uncles and aunts with good intentions. It will be hard for you in some ways when others are involved but in the long run it would be better. your H does seem to care about his social image and that may transform his behavior and also if things become worse down the road your family or his family can not blame you for not involving them. Good Luck
     
  7. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    Let him continue, you can only take a horse to the river, you can't make it drink the water, you cannot make people behave. Just take care of yourself and your child, that's the only thing you can do. Don't wrack your brains. Be calm and composed. You will yourself get a way out of this.
     
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  8. b86monica

    b86monica New IL'ite

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    Thank you ladies for taking time in replying. I've decided to give another chance to him for the sake of my daughter.
    I haven't discussed either with his parents or mine. I've told him that I 'll tell my daughter everything as what her dad like if he repeats. I still don't trust him but worth waiting for the time so I can have proper evidences to confront and discuss with elders.
     
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  9. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Silver IL'ite

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    Eventually you'll have to tell the daughter the story of the blackmail and phone video. It is good to learn from the history. The American President Ronald Reagan had said "Trust, but Verify".
     
  10. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    You are an empath.

    You have caught him once, now again . I am sorry you had to go through this. People with less access can do anything. It is not that lady is issue. Your Spouse is a grown man, what was he thinking.

    Once a cheater gets a taste of this , he or she will never stop. Sorry it is way of human nature.

    I am not sure if you trusting in couple of weeks is good. He has to be extremely open .

    also please note, sharing to elders may give you some internal peace, it does not really change anything.

    also telling your daughter does not change anything, sorry i am all opposite. kids are kids. it might be confusing to them. if your daughter was in a relationship or married, then it is different.

    go for self counselling, meditate. i am very sorry. infidelity is worst punishment i feel a person can do to other
     

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