Do I have a say in this ?

If you have Green Card, then please say back in US.
Your DH has very bad attitude.
Talking to his parents when you are sleeping and making up this own plans. and telling you that he will straighten you up..:spin
Step1) Save money in separate bank account, he should not know about this.
2) Be normal, donot let you husband know you have your own plans.
3) If house is in both your name in US, donot sell it, no one can force you, if so call 911 without hesitation.
4) even if he goes back alone to India stay here in US, there will not be protection back there. Here atleast you can raise your kid decently and work and live normal life. In India he will close all channels, in US that is not possible.
5) Till next year be normal, because you have to save money in your account. Dont show any ideas or plans to your husband.

 

Why don't you preempt this by telling your husband now that you do not want your in-laws to live with you? Make it clear you will not move to India if he asks his parents to live with him.Tell him now, don't wait. Showing your displeasure after moving to India may not be that effective once he is with his family.

Just curious. How do you know that your in-laws were dissing you and your upbringing for 2 hours? Was he on speaker phone?

 

No one else but you can change your life.
Donot let your husband sense what is happening till you save some money. Saving some money for yourself is very very important.
Your money is debitted to your account right. take few dollars from bank account every month and say invest on something in your name. It is very important. How can you just give up and nod so blindly to your husband.
Just imagine if same thing like this happens to your kid. you are example to your kid. Do your work/save your money/keep your respect. Do you want your kid also to suffer like you do? why? be bold.
if you keep saying i dont want to go and all he will definetly sketch a plan and go to India ASAP. so just calm down. think of how you can pull atleast some of your salary into some savings. Your name is added to his GC process is processing in last stage? will you get GC by next year before you leave to India..
Please Mlk, be bold, set example in positive way for your kid.

 

Hi Mlk2009,

You can play a hard mental game here, but then you need to be bold and mentally strong to go with this plan.

1. First insist on something which is fully unpalatable to your husband - say, you won't leave US and will never come to India. Rather than picking an argument with him on this, write down a short 1 page letter in which you can give your reasons as to why YOU WILL NEVER MOVE TO INDIA even if he moves. Put the reasoning oriented to your mutual future, you child's future, in short put all things good about what could happen to your family if you are in US. Never use negativity in India to support your points.

2. Your husband will get mad over you and use all kind of threatening. Be calm, look firm and never reply back. Simply say you have written down what you have to say and will never change the decision. He may even threaten you with a divorce, but don't get anxious or agitated. Don't say anything and watch his next moves. Most husbands threaten divorce but won't be daring enough to follow upon it as they want it only as a means to threaten and make their wives submissive.

3. Let this continue for several months. Never pick this topic by yourself, act as if nothing happened and continue with your daily chore as before. He may do things like not eating food, not showing interest towards you and so on. Always show you are hurt more than him and do all kinds of persuasion but never agree to any compromise that requires you to return to India.

4. There will come a point where he would get concerned and will like to have a compromise with you. Tell that you would think about it and write it in a letter. Tell that you don't like settling in India at all but you could do it because you love him, but will only do it if you both can live separately. And that you would definitely would consider bringing his parents should they be in a state that one of them can't support themselves physically, but till that point you need to live separately.

5. There may also be a possibility that your husband may indeed leave you in US and return back to India. This is definitely a possibility, so you need to judge his reactions well in advance and may have to suggest the compromise yourself - which too he may not accept, and would want you to come to India and settle with his parents. But do this as last resort - you anyway has nothing to lose as this would be the outcome if you did not follow up on this plan. Only bitter thing would be that you have to back out in duress, but at least your husband knows how much you hate coming to India and hate settling down with your in-laws.

6. The compromise should be spelled out at the very end.

7. If you are lucky your husband may agree (although under duress) to continue settling in US. You may also strike a compromise like extending your stay by another 5 years or so, by which time your GC and other things should be done and he may lose interest in India too.

 

visu ..

that's a well planned strategy u have laid .. lots of thought in making it i believe.. it has worked for u ... so may work for others .. will copy paste it in a notepad for future use for self :rotfl

mlk2009 ....

It's tricky for u , my DH also used to speak behind my back sometimes n i hated it.. Things have changed from when i took a serious stand in life.

In addition to Visu's suggestion, show some kind of +ve attitude to his parents joining u , like tell him , y do they need to move completely , let them come in n out wheneever they miss u people.... Also u people can go n stay with them sometimes..Tell ur Dh, they may get bored at ur place n later may start cribbing.. So for everybody's good , u stay separate..
Find some tactful ways which may work for u..

cheers
tiyamommy

 

I do not completely agree with the "civil disobedience" strategies here. I tried all those in the first year of marriage and none of them ever worked. In fact, they only made my hubby angrier! So be very very tactful.

Ignore him and them and live normally. Let whatever they say bounce off you. And when he says something about moving to India, say NOTHING. Act as if you are indifferent to moving to India. Just don't discuss the topic or help him in any way in planning the move. If he shows you pictures of houses, just say hummm and back off.

You might say, what will happen if he really moves. But that is one year away. You might be able to create some small obstacles later. But for now, silence is the best policy IMHO. He already knows you don't like the idea; repeating this will make him even more determined to move!

What do the others say?

 

I second abhirami here. Those "strategies" might work...but think about it...do you think u will have good cordial relations with ur DH after that? He will keep taunting you entire life about how you did not support him to look after his "old" parents? Do you really want that?

I feel you have to really strike a good balance here....and not spoil and ruin the existing relationship with your DH by totally standing against him.
One thing I can vouch to you based on my experience is - if you tell your DH in a nice way you will get your stuff done. But if you react and erupt, then things will go bad and turn against you for sure.

Why is moving back to India and living with inlaws such a big issue....I know and understand all the inlaws problems and I have suffered a looooot too. Does not mean I am supporting inlaws in any way by making that statement.
But think about it......living with them....you will know their shortcomings and negatives too....so does ur DH. So at that time they cannot really say much against you to him....and infact he might support you more too...seeing his own parents negatives.
I have seen my own DH tries to cover his parents negatives by telling his mom or dad not to speak in front of me now...esp after all the issues we had. But earlier...they used to tell their negative stuff and also my MIL would sometimes blurt out what all things FIL did to her etc etc......I feel those kind of stuff will really help you to project the "nice" image. Also by knowing such things....they cannot taunt you or your parents for upbringing stuff etc.

Or you can even deal with this tactfully......Test the waters first by putting your leg in....maybe he told all that to calm his parents.....they might have ranting and emotionally blackmailing him saying their "son" is moving back...they are old etc etc. Like you start a conversation with your DH saying.....when we move to India...his parents should stay in the same apt complex, since they might still like their own independence as they have lived alone for these many years. You can also nicely add that its the son's duty to look after them etc etc........they could live close by. That way....you will get some time to settle down and then think about. Judge your DH's reaction on your suggestion and then take the path.
Also does your DH have any siblings...if yes, then they can live sometime there too.

good luck!
Sihi