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Divorced - Lonely

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by VidhyaVi, Oct 25, 2018.

  1. VidhyaVi

    VidhyaVi Bronze IL'ite

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    I've been divorced for a while now. I haven't given a second msrrimar a serious thought dueto my son.

    I have been confining myself to books and my somss studies so far. Recently, I felt a severe back pain and consulted a doctor who advised me to take up physical exercises which might help me reduce extra fat causing the back pain.

    As a result , I took up jogging and went on a more strict diet. Fortunately, the plan worked and I am not faving the back pain now.

    But the downside is, I have become more active physically and this has made the body as active it was just after marriage.

    I cry every night at the helpless state I am and am ashamed of having a body which is requiring certain meeds.

    I would like to have some suggestions as to how I should face this situation given the fact that I am divorced and a woman.

    Thanks.
     
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  2. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    jogging for back pain? That is different!! The usual advice is gentle yoga, doing the cobra posture (for 10 repeats), and variations of such lower back manipulations, either lying down on the stomach or standing up leaning on a wall. Jogging is quite unusual.. Be that as it may, your back pain is gone but your fat remains ? What was the diet, and how much did you jog each day or each week ?

    In your phrase "having a body which is requiring certain meeds" -- do you mean sex ? I suspect it is OK to say it out, if that is what you mean. It would be hard for anyone to advise you on that matter, because nobody knows where you live (cultural mores) and what your situation is as to family support for child care etc.. So if you need to ask something, ask it as plain as you can put it.
     
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  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I think her post was quite clear.
    It is not about her back pain, but about her physical needs (namely sexual needs) which revived after a certain life style changes (that includes jogging, dieting etc).
    And it happens....

    According to her profile, she is from Chennai, India and I assume casual sex or live -in relationships are still a taboo in her circle, given the fact that she doesn't want to be explicit about her sexual needs even in this anonymous forum.
    So, we should take these things to consideration before questioning her or giving any suggestions to her. This is my humble opinion.
    Btw, I had severe back pain 5 years back due to my postpartum weight gain, and my ortho surgeon advised me to lose weight. That time, brisk walking was suggested. It helped me a lot to shed weight and to be back in shape.
     
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  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @VidhyaVi

    Your physical needs are valid. But many women manage them by self satisfying methods, or toys when they have no sexual partners.
    However, you can still give some thoughts about re-marriage or a companionship - not just for sex, but for your life.
    It is human nature to yearn for companionship; thus for a partner in life.

    You can involve family to opt for the traditional route for arranged marriage.
    Make it as semi-modern through matrimonial sites, yet involve family to look for a groom
    Or look for a partner by yourself. I am sure, you must have attracted to some men, who might be in return attracted to you too. Just be open to them, and see whether anyone of them could be of your friend first, and a companion at an emotional level before you approach them (Or allow them to approach you) for the next step.

    Don't look for a partner based on your sexual needs, as it may affect your life and reputation negatively.
     
  5. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    @SGBV has mentioned exactly what came to mind after reading your post. Please dont worry much. Its quite natural to feel this way. I think you should consider re-marriage using traditional or internet methods (gives more option) by posting your profile involving your family. But be very open and discuss all confusions before marriage, enquire very well before taking a decision. Take your own time.

    If you think you need a companion,take steps with the help of family. Re-maraige take care of your needs or you need to find ways to satisfy yourself. There will be many who misuse the vulnerability of single women. It is getting very common ( There are many posts in IL forum in 'married life section'). Please don't depend on anyone for your emotional or sexual needs alone as it will have bad impacts on your life. Be careful about it or that kind of approaches. I am sure you will.

    After some time, you son will have his own life, you will be all alone. Take control of your life. Be positive. [Some of my friends with kids are remarried and well settled , so a second chance can also work well. ]
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2018
  6. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    @Amulet - as @SGBV pointed out , OP's post is quite straightforward - what the jogging was for ,and what she meant by 'bodily needs ' . We are all mature women ( and men ) here. There is no need to take pot-shots at someone asking for advice.
    OP- if you are not considering remarriage for now, try using sex toys. There is nothing to be ashamed about using one. Order one online , that would be the most discreet way of getting one .
     
  7. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Comparatively inexpensive than a human subject, and none of the problems associated with a human as well. Lots of other advantages. All around sensible thing to do. @VidhyaVi may open an incognito window on he browser and look at the available items in India. Good ones seem to be in the ₹2000-4000 range. Alkaline or Recharge'able would be the major decision. A good Deepavali gift to self.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2018
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  8. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Women have needs ! As much as men do. So please don’t feel embarrassed about it. Completely natural and normal.
    Find safer ways to fulfill them like others have suggested. Don’t rush into remarriage or casual relationships because of this.
     
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  9. GlobetrotterG

    GlobetrotterG Silver IL'ite

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    Iam in a similar situation as yours, but the difference is iam leading a happy life :) with my cute angel. First of all, we need to change the basic thought process of thinking that being in a marriage is the happiest and acceptable one. Someone can be Single( Never Married), Married, Divorced, Widowed , Single Mother, Married ( Living Seperately) , Open relationship or FWB etc. There is nothing superior or inferior being in any one of the state, during some part of our life, we live in any of the stages.

    Infact being single comes with a lot of advantages. I travel, write blogs, be myself etc, just try to remove the negative thoughts that clutter your mind.

    There is a upside to this as well. I can clearly see the difference while i was depressed Vs while i was exercising. Exercising helped me think clearly, and not clouded with thoughts. Yes, it kicks in the metabolism and other aspects that our body is supposed to work, and that's reality.

    Every creature on this earth has this bodily needs, so why should you be worried about something that you don't have a say? May be you only realized this now. It's very basic human need , but people really don't talk about it much, we think that this is something wrong. Please don't have that thoughts of guilt or shame.

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    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 27, 2018
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  10. VidhyaVi

    VidhyaVi Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Amulet,

    Thanks for your kind words and the video link on Cobra Posture. I'm not sure about the specific diagnosis. But the doctor recommended having a physical exercise to improve my posture and get rid of back pain. Jogging was my preference as I used to take part in sprinting at school. I stuck to a low-carb diet preferring fruits and vegetables for over a month.

    And you are right about the second part of my message. I meant sex.

    V
     

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