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Divorce or live together?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by drjp, Dec 12, 2007.

  1. drjp

    drjp Senior IL'ite

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    I am in a big soup. Ours is a love marriage and have been married for 12 years. MIL involvement made sure we did not have a single happy day, that is my problem. When I was pregnant with my 2nd child, DH had an affair. Families got involved and sorted things. Now, he gets sued by a nurse on paternety issue for her child (he is a physician). He says it is set up, I have two kids. I am working, money is not an issue. What should I do?
     
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  2. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Hello..

    First of all, dont panic. You are having some big issues but having calm and clear mind will help you see things better.
    Since you have invested 12 important years and lots of emotions with your husband, I feel its worth waiting and working towards knowing the truth. If indeed the nurse's accusations are true or no. If true, you will have to further analyse your priorities and decide whats best for you and your kids. Any decision taken by you at this point is not only yours but your kids too. Their life and future is also one of important point you should consider.

    But I would say instead of taking the easy way out of relation, give it sincere thought and some soul searching.

    How after so many years of love this thing has happened.
    To what extent your husband deserves giving second chance?
    Even if you are financially equipped to undergo separation, are you mentally and emotionally prepared for it?
    What about kids, how comfortable you are with the fact that they may grow without father, if you two separate?

    Above could be some pointer you can search your mind and soul over. Once you know your stand, then approach your husband to know his side of story.

    Hope this helps

    Ria
     
  3. drjp

    drjp Senior IL'ite

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    Ria,
    Thanks for your reply.
    My confusion started with the soul searching.
    1) if kids were not in the picture the answer was very simple. With the kids, I definitley want them to have a dad. Here is confusion,
    - How will the kids grow up without a dad, especially the son, if we separate? Having a good male role model is not a problem, I have excellent family support with brothers and dad.
    - What kind of message am I giving the kids if I do not separate? Am I telling my son that it is alright to cheat your wife twice and am I telling by daughter that you have to compromise with the guy no matter what he does?
    - I am not too concerned about the society and all the other practical things. But emotionally I am confused more:
    - In the last 12 years, we probably lived happily for 1-2 cumulative years (not continously). All the other times we had issues, with in laws, with relatives etc etc. May be separating will give me some peace of mind, not having to worry about what his mood is today.

    - I love him dearly, cannot imagine my life without him, despite of the fact he cheated on me once and here is a second issue. May be I am not ready to separate?

    - As a well educated, financially strong, strong willed, with excellent family supported person, I am not able to stand up kick this guy out of my life what kind of message am I sending to the other women who are not as fortunate as me.
    Part of the above is loud thinking!
     
  4. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    I would say, at this juncture of your life you should think little more selfish than worrying about messages to kids or society. Because at the end of the day, its our own inner self whom we have to answer. No matter how good society rates us, no matter how good our kids rate us, no matter how good your spouse rate you..Its that quiet , mild voice of inner self which sums our life for us.
    For teaching kids their part of take on life, you will have plenty of years to mould it. More than theoreticial aspect, kids learn more from practical angle of life. So even if by separating you may think that your son would have got message that it s not good to mess with faith in marriage. But what if he sees his father to marry eventually and lead a happy life.He may as well get the notion that its okay to separate in marriage if you feel spark is dead.
    I am just trying to make a point that kids will perceive what they have to perceive. You can never control that. All you can control is you reaction to chaos created by others,

    Sometime our lives get messed becasue of action of our dear ones. And I would say there is no blanket theory which applies in such complex cases. Your thinking would be subset of your upbringing, your interaction with life, your success , your failures and lot other things. Same thing would apply to your kids when they grow up. So as long as you give them loving upbringing, their view of life will not dramatically change. However their practical life may change dramatically.

    I would say for big decisions in life , we should always take our own time. So dont hurry. May be you take some months off your husband. Sometime distance reduces the noise and confusion. It may help to see things more clearly.
    Take your time to arrive at any decision.

    Best Wishes
    Ria




     
  5. Sravanthi28

    Sravanthi28 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I sincerely feel that you should be out of that marriage asap. You mentioned that you love your hubby dearly, thats really a good thing about u, you still love a person who has cheated you twice. Dont worry about ur kids , they will definately understand when they growup. Even if you want continue in this relationship, i dont think the kids will be brought up in a healthy environment, taken your regular fights and his affairs. This is only my personal opinion and anyways its upto you to sit and analyse everything that has happened in these 12 years.
    My only advise is that whatever may be the decision you take now, see that you never repent about it. So .... think well, takeup your parents & siblings advise and decide on.

    Sravanthi
     
  6. lovinglife

    lovinglife New IL'ite

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    Hi DRJP

    In my honest opinion, you should leave this relationship right away. You gave him enough chances and he has not changed. Just think for once....if you had done the same thing, would he still be living with you? NO Why give him another chance? What for? Once a cheater, always a cheater, They will not reform!!

    I am a 32 yeard old woman, with a 5 year old son and I was married for 10 years. I walked out of the marriage because my Ex was someone who was very rigid in many ways and living with him was very difficult. It came to a point where I had changed so much to please him, that I was no longer who I actually used to be. My son had started noticing how much we fought. I did not want him to grow up thinking that is how all relationships are supposed to be.

    You should teach your children the right values in life and I am sure you have a lot of arguments and fights at homw with all this stuff going on and they dont have to see all that stuff.

    I have never been happier as a person. Life is finally worth living!! You deserve a chance to be happy.

    Me and my Ex have joint custody of our child. We live 20 mins away and my son sees both of us everyday. You can work things out.

    Let your husband go through all the drama with the paternity test by himself. You and your children don't have to go thru all that stuff. Having financial independence and a supportve family is very helpful. Talk to an attorney and leave ASAP.

    Good Luck!!
     
  7. drjp

    drjp Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks for your all your advice guys. Each one of you had agood point. Induskr, how long have you been divorced for! Looks like both of you are in reasonably good agreement over parenting!
     
  8. lovinglife

    lovinglife New IL'ite

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    Hi DRJP

    We have been separated for 11 months now. I am filing for the divorce in a month.....the state requires that we be separated for a year before we can file for the divorce.

    We still have our fights and arguments sometimes, but never in front of our son. I guess the reason we are amicable when it comes to parenting is because we both love our son a lot and we both know that no matter what happens in each of our lives, our son will come first, even if/when we get into a relationship with someone new, down the road.

    Believe me, I love the time I spend with my son now, have a great career that I love, I am not emotionally drained when I get home, so I finally have some peace at home. It is worth all the pain you go through in the beginning of the separation!!

    Also, I made it clear when we got separated that he has to take responsibility for half the parenting, so he gets to be a responsible dad. I did not ask for any child support since I make as much as he does and him playing an active part in my son's life was more important for me than getting a few dollars from him.
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2007
  9. yginca

    yginca New IL'ite

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    I have been divorced for almost 20 years, I have three wonderful children who have grown to be good people. I stayed in the marriage for 18 years thinking that my children needed two parents.
    You need to get that man out of your life, once a cheater is always a cheater. You do need to set an example to your children in the way you live. If you work things out, forgive your husband and try to make this relationship work , it will be only you doing that your husband will eventually go back to his old ways and your children will grow up thinking that's the way families work and they will repeat it in their lives.
    I didn't have a career or family support like you say you do but I did it. It was so worth it, my children were happier because I was happier.
    Today two of my children are married to wonderful partners. We are very close to each other, their father is still miserable, alone and angry with the whole world!
    Good luck to you, you seem like a well grounded intelligent woman, if I could do it you can too.
     
  10. drjp

    drjp Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks everyone. Sorry, for not responding to individual emails, hope you understand I am in great distress now.
    I am leaning towards separation now, like Ria and others suggested move back to India close to family. Take my time to decide my next step.
    I sincerely, appreciate all your suggestions and please keep them coming. I would like to hear moms that have been in a similar situation as mine, and single moms.
     

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