Divorce imminent

Beeamma my wife is financially independent. We both are not materalistic types, there somehow we both meet and dont differ. She is good at heart in her own way , she has compassion , emotions, but like I mentioned earlier at home she is not showing them.. In disagreements she used to say to me earlier that just because we are having fights we cannot remove DD or say we cannot live with MIL and all, she used to say that even mother child fight, so what is the difference .

These were her talks some years back. So much has deteorirated that it is very tough now. She is not holding anyone responsibile, the chemistry is not working. When I say this it will not be easy for anyone to believe but this is truth that she is one of the controlling types person. She wants to have lot of control with her in family and otherwise and I am more laid lack. that is where the problem comes...

Flowerlady I was thinking of putting my DD in hostel and I even told my wife that we can do that. what is the problem? but she is not comfortable with my mother either.... Now as a man if I just keep giving in what my wife wants and even if it not just is it ok?

She resisted divorce and was very blunt and harsh on me for 5 months, it is only now all of a sudden she came up to say she is ok with mutual seperation... I was told by some that file for seperation in US, File for childs custody in US , that she went away and all. I did not do anything. I controlled myself so much. I did not do anything wrong to her yet...

The reason I kept saying divorce and wished was because all hopes of healthy relationship is lost. We may feel it is due to mother or DD, but it is not. Tomorrow there will be problems with our son when he grows up because her temperamanet is controlling and people rebel after some point then it escalates

The marriage can only survive if there is clear indication from her to seek help from within and from other members to reach to a point where she can manage to stay in family....

She is good at heart no doubt.. she is not materialitc in the sense she wants property and all that is also good. But then how does relationship work? many good people at heart have broken marriages.....So those two are different things... Personality manifest in each person in each given situation very differently. She just asked me how they are once but when met in person showed as if she does not recognise them...and they did not recipocrate either due to the tensions..and constant failures of getting a reasonable proper response...

If she was good at heart genuinely I would have expected her to not do anything, just give a smile to DD and ask her how she is , how her exams were? at least a genuine effort to show some concern after so many months... What is the use of not longing for property and not resisting divorce but not showing any compassion and any love?

She had neglected DD and emotionally abused her by saying to her many times she is root cause of divorce just because there are differences in parenting. How would a child feel when a parent instill this theory in her.?

Whatever happened, even if we would not have adopted our DD and we would have to live just with my mother still life would be tough I am very sure....Even If I lived with her and our son life wont be still easy due to controlling attitude and the way she reacts to requests...

SriVidya It is not a easy situation.. Yes I wanted divorce and seperation and now she is willing but I am not happy. I cannot start jumping and dancing that oh now I am free. I am emotional and I honor values. Due to constant problems I gave up and took the route where I thought of divorce, but had I got some hope even till last moment from her side in a way which can make things better I would have thought of living with her too. Think of this if I wanted divorce so badly the first day I would have filed after landing in India one sided as she was never going for mutual she had said. She never indicated to me she will do that. Even the meeting we had she said she will never give mutual. Though I was contemplating to file one sided too but in my heart somewhere I felt some miracle may happen....

 

CP, When I met my lawyer recently she was praising my wife in one aspect. She said lot of women make kids as pawn in divorce and not allow kids to meet the father. She said she is impressed that she is even ready to do that now and allows you to meet the kid ... So there are appreciation of my wife around. No one is unjust, but one sees overall picture and analyses the situation. My lawyer told me that the problem is not your mother or DD, it is your wife who is not able to understand and cooperate. I dont belive such statements easily I dont know why. For me if someone is manupuative, I feel how is it possible? My DD doctor in US when I spoke to her briefly because I was concerned of my DD mental health. she said your wife has to be less selfish to at least have some wellfare of child in mind... and she also reiterated that the problem is not your DD...it is your wife...

Hearing such statements is not easy... As a Man I have responsibility and I even told my wife that you too have signed on paper of adoption she is your kid too. But why she choses to be revengeful I dont know. She can chose to be good and nice but she chooses to be otherwise.. She has the ability to be very good but she does not exercise it.

I have my own issues too but most of the issues are also the result of some personality conficts..

What you have mentioned about your situation is a typical cycle in a distrubed relations.. What is important to know is how it is overall. There may be few days months where both look they cannot live without each other and the next moment on each other throat? That is not a healthy relationship.. And to me a healthy relationship is now only in books..

The healthy relationship parameters whether how many marriages can pass that test I am not even sure nor I see myself...

 

Good question and I have answers. Though my DD is just 15 she said, that DAD I would want you and mummy to live together. I will go to hostel . I dont want you to split. If it is possible for sake of her brother then live together...She says mummy does not like me, she even feels I have started hating her a little bit and I am not good to her....

My mother said she is willing to go and live where she used to live before I came from US, she still has a rented house and everything, she said to me yesterday I can visit you guys once a while and stay for few days. But you both live happily....if that makes your life happy...

Now coming to me.. just put yourself in my shoes and tell me what to do. I was even thinking of renting a place to keep them seperate. But going by Jay dixit thread and experience, if my wife is not talking to them , even if distance relations are not working. If my DD is not able to come home during vacation even if she is in hostel, or festival then where will she go??

Of course this all is difficult to apprehend, but lets say I die tomorrow then my DD and mother have no support in this world and my wife will not support them looking at whatever is going on. This is what I have analysed .. I told my wife I and DD fight too. My mother too scolds DD but at the end of the day we live as family... You too understand that ,, she is your DD too. But no words console her..

 

The problem does not stop with DD going to hostel. Then I have to send old mother also to live alone by herself either in a independent house or somewhere else.. That would also mean that problem does not stop there. There are many issues. Unless my wife changes and brings some positive outlook towards family life , nothing will change easily for me