Distributing Assets Equally Between Children

I don't know how the arranged marriages will work then. The "child" didn't really choose who he/she married, parents did. In my family, except for my oldest sister (and my second marriage), rest were arranged. So, when my 4th sister lucked out in this gamble (her husband lost business and earns ok, she earns ok but a house is still a distant dream), should she be penalized for it? I would rather have all of us sisters leading comfortable lives instead of planning to have my "rightful" share.

@Laks09 , you are absolutely right. You never know how your spouse would react. Afterall, it's free money. In my case, my husband new even before we got married that I'll not inherit anything from my parents (except for my mom's sarees). He never offered any opinion. It really doesn't matter to him.

@Rihana- The way I look at it is- I moved to the USA at 25 and in last 12-13 years, I worked hard to build my life. After paying off my wedding and divorce expenses, I own two houses (one is mine and other joint with husband), well cushioned retirement savings, each kid has their college saving plans that we started as soon as we brought them home from the hospital. If I can do that, I hope my children will be able to do so too. And if they do want to move to India some day, say in 20 years, will they want to live in my parents' small town? In my opinion, my sister who is in the same town as my parents would get more out of that house than me saving half of it for my kids.

Another thing to take in account (at least for me), I help my parents and sisters financially when needed and buy presents for my parents every year I visit India but I am not there to help they with their routine chores. My sisters are there to take them to a doctor for annual check ups, if they are sick, if they need a plumber/ electician...you know all these random little things. So, they should be the ones getting reward.

 

How about grandchildren? Should they be part of the future equation? Here's the scenario: Parents equally divided the inheritance to four daughters. These daughters all have good, prosperous lives. The father died few years back and their 85 year old mother is still living in her ancestral home all by herself. She has 11 grandchildren but is only close to one. In her will, that one grandchild will inherit the ancestral home, the antiques, and the jewelries. Is this fair or not?

 

They already received the inheritance which included some properties. The ancestral house was left out by their father for their mother's security .

 

This is why I detailed out some factors in my second post.
It has to happen with the fullest consent of the child. And more importantly, parents must raise their kids to be considerate and affectionate with each other.
As I said, they should be raised to have more affection and love towards each other than towards the assets their parents have.
In whichever families I have seen, the kids have come forward to suggest parents to distribute all or major portion of the inheritance to the not-so-doing well child to keep up the balance.
It hurts to see one of your siblings struggles in life while you are leading a super luxurious life. Like parents, siblings too have compassion and love for each other.

If a well to do sibling has way too much concern about his/her parents' assets even after knowing his/her not-so-well to do sibling can have a decent life with the help of it, then it is greediness according to me.

Do you think a successful marriage is a result of your smartness? @Rihana, sorry to say, but I never expected this from you.
There are so many factors leading towards the success of your marriage.
Sometimes, you absolutely have no control over these factors. Eg: Health of your spouse, intimacy related problems of your spouse, a jobloss, accident, EMA, childlessness and the list has no end.
All these factors can eventually influence your marriage negatively; hence failures.
It is unfortunate and it has nothing to do with your smartness.
Such times, the parents and in many cases the siblings have compassion towards the unfortunate child; thus think loud about theirs and their children's future while distributing the asset.

Is is even smart to feel jealous when an unfortunate child is favored?

 

@Rihana

When you stress repeatedly about the consent of the children, particularly the explicit consent of the well-to-do children, I ask myself whether it is even a problem?
Are we raising two rivals under one roof? Are they siblings or step-siblings/half siblings?
Because it is unlikely to see such greediness and jealousy among siblings when there is a very clear disparity between them.
Of course they might feel offended if you favor one over the other when both are doing almost same.
But how come the well-to-do sibling gets offended or hurt when he/she sees his/her sibling struggles and needs more support.
In fact, I have seen many siblings favor their not-so-successful ones to bounce back in life from their hard earned money. Leave alone allowing the parents to share more.
For me, the good ones are way too much compared to the greedy, jealousy or bad siblings in my dear, near families. That's why I am unable to get the grip of your repeated notes here. Forgive me for that.

I can understand the "misunderstanding, jeallously or whatever the heart breaks" of the DIL/SNIL here. Because they do not share the same blood to have compassion towards the other sibling. But how come siblings behave so?

And last, but not the least... Do you really think that you abuse your children's right by allowing your parents to give their assets to your not so successful sibling?
I don't think so. Because the reason to let-go of your asset is your successful life compared to your sibling.

What my sister and her children can get out of my parents' house/land/estate (of course they would get appreciate with time) would be not equal to what me and my children will have in the future.
Of course a share in those asset may add to our investments. But sometimes, it may be the only investment for my nephew and nieces.
Here I am not abusing my kids, rather teaching them to be human.

 

I am not so sure about the education. The parents may have been willing to spend an equal amount on all kids for education. However, how much use of their opportunity they made is left to individual abilities, attitudes towards studies etc. So I'd keep that out too.

As for weddings, the cost of a wedding changes within the span of 10-15 years. Here we are talking of the buying power of the money and not absolute costs.

Definitely any big help like for buying a house, either way, should be factored in.

 

@Laks09 I understand about the spouse component and I do think about it since they are adults now. Not because of assets but their relationship and bonding with the family. I can wish for a lot but I need to be acceptable for whatever life doles out.

I have a friend who is the middle daughter with a elder sister and younger brother. The brother has been married for the last 15 yrs. believe me the three do stand up for each other to the extent the in laws of the sisters help the brother in case of any need. When we were talking about bonding, she told me her dad gave the three of them an advice before he started looking for a match for the elder sister. "You three are siblings,know each other, you may fight today and patch up today or tomorrow. Do not bring the spouses into this sibling equation, keep it separate . Be there for each other even if your spouses have difference of opinions and don't exactly see eye to eye on all issues, but with time you will see things falling into place" and "we have seen a lot of hurts, lots of differences but at the end other day she/he is part of my sibling in turn our family and what my dad said has worked well for us". They shared medical expenses of the parents equally. Took care of them between them taking turns. Have even seen the mil of this friend take a turn to stay with her mom. (Ideal family)

I know my kids love each other and have a great bonding and are confident in themselves and in the other. I tell them the same that the friend's dad advised and hope they support and be there for each other always. That said it takes just a toxic environment to create the ripples and it is not always money, money may come into the picture later. The reasons could be silly to the third party.

I have seen siblings going out of their way to stabilise the one who has issues in their life, only to be told you did it out of your choice I did not ask for it. The very same, stops moving with the others once their status rises.

There are murders happening for few lakhs. As a parent We may have enormous confidence that our kids will not resent any decision that happened with their consent but believe me sometimes it just stays under festering to burst out.

Ideally the ones who give up for the sake of their siblings are a very small percentage and the world needs more of them but there is a huge gap between the idealistic picture and reality many a time. Money has its uses and also has the power of turning a saint into greedy, manipulative person and we, would not have a clue.

Il is a small sampling and I cannot think it is very rosy pictures just because everything in my circle is rosy.

Wishing things balance out well for all of us.

 

@Shanvy @SGBV
Helping the siblings in need, uplifting them in financial crisis is good. This has to be done.
What will you do, when the sibling is always a loser. Whatever business he starts, whatever he does ends up in financial loss.
Otherwise he is good person.

What should the other sibling do in such situation.