DILs and MILs Dynamics - Lets Discuss

Re: Have DILs become In-law backbiting club?

Dear Kanmani,

I would like to thank you for your kind words. They give me great strength and encouragement.

Thanks again
Sheetha

 

Hi friends,
After reading all of your comments I couldn't help sharing mine. Thanks ria for changing the title , it seems more appropriate now.
I think this is a place where we ladies have freedom to express ourselves without without fear of judgement. So when I first just happened to see this site i was thrilled to read so many women going through the same things that I was going through.This is a place where we vent out, learn from each other and move on.........and thats not possible if we are not true to our feelings.

In my opinion , I think for any relationship to flourish there must be at least some amount of respect for each other. Even a 5 year old child deserves respect. Trouble begins when one thinks of themselves to be superior than the other and tries to take control and boss around.
Lets face it, ours is a society where women are not very encouraged to speak their mind, but rather it is considered good when one is always submissive.But this is changing and it is hard for women in our generation to deal with MIL-DIL situation even more than before.
IF we look closely at our own home how many of us really lived with our granparents.Chances are not many of us, we greww up in nuclear families where our mothers worked . As far as I am concerned my mother was an excellent DIL ( according to my grandma, aunts and uncles) and both of my grandparents lived with us.But they passed away when I was just about 10 and we were on our own ever since. Whereas my MIL lived with her in-laws for just about 2-3 yrs. All I'm trying to say is that unlike our mothers it is more difficult for ladies of this generation to be submissive.
The other point that I would like to share is that, like someone said in their post it is the duty of the new member to adjust. I think its true but wouldn't it be much more easy for the new member if she feels she is being supported by the new family and accepted for who she is. And compromise goes both ways to succeed.Why should the DIL alone be responsible for all the compromise and sacrifice.Dosen't she deserve to feel welcomed by her new family? No DIL walks in a new family to receive coldness and judgements all the time right?
lastly on the lighter side, I wish i had a time-machine to go back in time and see what was it like for my MIL to be a DIL, that will give me so many pointers on how I should behave......

Live and Let live!!

 

Hi Ria,

I tried to use tact and diplomacy to solve the problem. In fact when my MIL instigated a fight between me and my husband because I did not wish her good luck for her visa interview, I told me husband that we need to have a long relationship with our in-laws so I am willing to talk to them. My husband hardly supported me. To him his parents were holier than thou. A big part of the problem was also because of my husband's attitude and his communication style.

I was patient for 5 years and gradually I also reached breaking point and snapped. My pent up anger erupted like a volcano. Only after I dished out some cold treatment to my husband did he wake up from his slumber. I realized that sometimes offense is a very good form of defense. People will realize that they can't take you for granted and stomp all over you. I am pretty sure my MIL and FIL will be more careful when my BIL gets married.

Thanks,
Kavya.

 

HI Riya, Kavya and all others who have participated in this thread,

First of all a hearty congratulations to all the mature women involved here. Many of these incidents that you people have written seems like it comes in some movies. It is really heatbreaking to know that in a so called modern society involving so many educated and cultured people, so many monsters do exist under the cows skin. Actually I agree with both the contradicting points

1) That DIL needs to be mature or rather smart headed when it comes to dealing with inlaws and husbands - give into small small things and get the bigger things done. For instance, things like sending them little amount of money, buying them good gifts when occasion demands, cooking and taking care of them when they come and visit you...all these needs to be done in the presence/knowledge of the husbands, that is very important. I dont mean that u have u be 'proud' or 'show off' what you do to , but it is very important for the husbands to be very much aware of the things that you have done . Gone are the times when wife does everything without their knowledge and expect husbands to 'understand ' everything. Nowadays everything happens with marketting!!! However absurd it may sound, this is the truth!!!!

2) Point (1) may not be possible in all the cases where monsters prevail in human skin like in the cases of some co-ilLites here, it is really tough and i am awed by this amount of perseverence shown by them. I doubt if I could be as half as good as them if I were to be in such a situtaion. We can all collectively pray for them and ILites being in the same boat sharing the same kinda experience would certainly be a load shed.

To summarise, I would like to tell all the silent readers of this thread(having non monsterous inlaws), tobe thankful to God for the life bestowed on them after reading the sufferrings of our friends here!

Kuddos to all you guys!

Warm Regards,
Purnima

 

Dear ria,
That was an interesting,thought provoking post.While I do agree with you that the DIL who enters her home she is going to uild up with her in laws,should go all out to make the necessary adjustments,we have to keep in mind the fact that the scene has changed today.My mother would have madea wonderful,ideal DIL,but her daughter may not be able to cope up with the changing scenario.Prsent day bahu is expected to be a multitasker.She has to go out to earn,she has to run the hsehold,she has to attend to the kids education,visitors,relatives who have come to stay with them and on top of it all she has to take care of her in laws.If the in laws are understanding kind and give her credit for taking care of the family,I think everything will be fine.On the otherhane if in laws find fault with her every action or word and create troubkle where will the girl go.
The MIL&DIL problem,or issue or whatever we choose to call it is a complex one.
Thank you for a nice contemporary post which makes one think.
mithila kannan

 

This is a must-read thread for everyone (with or without good in-laws!) In my opinion, more than the DIL who is entering a new household with their own set of rules, traditions etc., it is the MIL (in general ils) who must be open and accepting. The DIL may or may not know, for example, cooking, taking care of household but if she's exposed to all aspects of her husband's family and house in a non-criticising manner then any sensible DIL would take in with lots of love and affection.

Trouble starts when from day one she's criticised and looked down upon for every single thing she does, then down the line the DIL loses interest to adapt and give in anymore. This has happened to me... it's very difficult to forget hurtful words when esp in an arranged marriage a girl has to also understand her husband and everything is confusing. From day one I have felt rejected and unloved and it continues to this day.

Latha

 

I was resisting myself from replying to this thread but reading the discussions and overwhelming responses I could not stop myself from hitting the PostReply button

Being in an abusive marriage and dealing with 17th century abusive inlaws all I can say is if both MIL/FIL and DIL know their limits, then everything will be fine. But if its onesided and expect only DIL to adjust then DIL will surely react one day or other.
As Kavya says...I too was a silent and "tried" to adjust to their dramas first 5-6 yrs of marriage....but keeping quiet and taking all their abuse, I had a big volcano in my heart which erupted. Till that point whatever they did to me was all acceptable according to them......things like just 10 days after my dad had passed away FIL really abused me badly...he didnt even think what state of mind I would be in losing my dad etc etc. And my hubby just danced to his dad's tunes. Their justification statement to that hide their skin is "we advised her like our own daughter!!!!". At that time I kept silent and took all their abuse...mainly because I was in such a shock myself, second I didnt want to give more tension to my mom who had just lost her hubby. Thinking about this incident I get restless even now...thinking "how could they do it....including my hubby?" I lost all respect to my FIL/MIL after that incident.
So just digested their first step of abuse and came back here, tried to forget the past. Tried to solve things tactfully....hubby was trying to understand and things were getting better. Then cunning in-laws had to play another move to spoil it...just like in the saas-bahu serials!!! They went on and on until I just erupted like volcano to put an end to their abuse. When I did that, my FIL was waiting for a chance to show his true nature....he went on speaking like a lowgrade drunkard with so many vulgar words to me, my mom and my whole family that even his own wife's head was bent hearing to those vulgar statements!!

I know me and my kid had to go thru lot of mental stress, but atleast I am happy that my in-laws will now think twice before saying anything to me. Even now they still go on and tell people that I am a strong headed girl who is spoiling their only son's life and I am cunning etc etc. They even tried to make me quit my job...my FIL told my hubby that "her job is giving her courage...make her sit at home she will listen to you". He did try that pawn on me...didnt work though.
Even now my FIL says...you have lost your dad...so I am your dad!!! I feel like taking whatever I can and hitting him on his head when he makes such statements.

This time when I went to their place in India, my MIL herself said that they had thought that I would never step into their house...but I did, thinking that why should I behave like them. She has realised to certian extent but she is been in an abusive marriage herself....she was from a poor family, no mother, uneducated. My FIL has really taken the marriage abuse to a new level with my MIL I think. She does not have a voice in front of him even now,...she just accepts what he says even when she knows its wrong!!! Even to this day they both argue in front of us and their grandkids!! what example are thet setting being elders?

Regards,
Sihi