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Dilemma And Issue Within My Life

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by indubalram, Oct 12, 2021.

  1. indubalram

    indubalram Platinum IL'ite

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    I’m going through lots of mental issues and that is causing me pain and distress. I have posted a thread before and I got replies from u all. I need an input from you guys again.
    We were in india for about 10 years and my husband was working there and my daughter in a school. I was doing part time job too. My husband used to be a alcoholic and spent most of his time in club and come home late night. My daughter started to cheat and cut classes and go to movies and one evening she just called a stranger from Facebook to our house terrace which I caught red handed. But still my husband or my daughter didn’t have any remorse. My in laws did not bother. My husband kept complaining about his job issues and didn’t like being in india. I was feeling very uncomfortable and not safe. My husband had issues with his liver Bc of excessive drinking. All this caused me stress and unsafe. I felt that change of place would be the best option and so there was an opportunity to come to USA and I immediately said let’s go. Husband agreed as well and we landed in USA. Daughter got admission in good school and college. Suddenly my daughter called and said she is into drugs and sex. Of course I panicked and now all is fine. She is all better. But the issue is my husband is saying that it’s all Bc of me. Since I decided to come here and that’s y all this has happened. Even my brother feels the same. During a trip on a cruise I took some wine and had chicken and that’s y she did all this.I’m feeling v guilty and stressed. What do u guys feel. Please tell me frankly and I don’t mind any reply. Be honest.
     
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  2. chanchitra

    chanchitra Gold IL'ite

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    This is not true at all. Who told you this?
     
  3. indubalram

    indubalram Platinum IL'ite

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    It’s my husband and my brother
     
  4. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    Right . A grown man , who spoils his liver has enough authority to comment that it is your fault.

    i do not eat meat. but i take fish oil so my kids and dh too. so it means we are screwed.

    lot of issues here. Most important. your self confidence and self love is extremely low.

    india / usa does not matter. kids are exposed to lot of things in internet. it can happen anywhere . other than focus on building your self respect , cannot say anything. it is a long road ahead for you to fix others .
     
  5. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Do you think you are responsible for all this mess? If not, why this self doubt? Learn to ignore unnecessary comments.

    Give a blank look, or say Oh I dont think so..
    Then enjoy wine with chicken or whatever you like:beer-toast1: and have a blast.

    He dont have any right to comment on what you eat or drink while he is immersed in alcohol.

    I read your old posts. Your daughter is already married. Why to go back to the past and dig old wounds?

    You didn't force anyone to move to USA. It was a joint decision. Both parents are responsible for kids. Where was your husband?

    Next time tell the same. Also, add that kids need good role models. When he disrespect you and mistreat you, how can he expect your daughter to treat you with respect? You allowed them to treat you badly , so facing these consequences even now. Learn to stand up for yourself. Better late than never.

    OP, remember your previous posts. Why do you care so much about what others think. Learn to walk away when you are blamed for no reason. Both your dh and bro are typical Indian males who think its women's responsibility to raise kids and blame them for their failures.

    Actually your husband is guilty that he didn't do a good job. So trying to find peace by blaming you.

    You on the otherhand, have so much self doubt and suffer from lack of confidence. Why do you bother about their comments. Ignore it or give proper response instead of sinking in confusion. If this is the way, be ready to face more. Tell your bro to mind his businesses. Your daughter is already settled and happy in her current life.

    Past is done, you cant do anything now. So live in the present and enjoy your life. You also need to practice detachment from these negative people in your life. Focus on your happiness.
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2021
  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Indu, to see one's child willfully make bad choices is tough. It hits the mother, father and their marriage in ways that are unimaginable. We can tolerate any harm or injustice to ourselves. But to witness anything bad happen to one's child can break the strongest person temporarily. Now that things are fine with her, your husband is merrily assigning the blame everywhere but to himself. He was the alcoholic parent, he was the one who spoilt and pampered her (?), you were the one who took the right decisions such as coming to the U.S., you were the one who found out about the FB stranger.

    A retrospective division of blame and distributing it is common after a parenting challenge is past. In your case, the blame is being assigned to you. In some cases, no blame is assigned but the hard work and endless effort, struggle of one parent is termed as insignificant.

    One big responsibility of your life is done - daughter is educated and married. Now, it is up to you to rise above such drama at home, and figure out how to bring more happiness into your life.
     
    PurpleRoses and Anusha2917 like this.
  7. indubalram

    indubalram Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks that makes a difference to me
     
  8. indubalram

    indubalram Platinum IL'ite

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    Ok thanks appreciate it
     
  9. chanchitra

    chanchitra Gold IL'ite

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    I think, in ur previous posts, you wanted to move and live separately.
    Maybe it's time to do it.
    Please work on improving ur self esteem
     
  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    If our kids end up doing something undesirable or develop any character flaws, it’s a universal fact that the mom will be blamed. If the child is rude, blame the mother’s upbringing. If the child has some challenges in life, blame the mom and her genes. This is exactly what your spouse and brother are doing.
    If the said kid ends up doing well, there are going to be a lot of takers for all the good things about the kid. He’s taken after me, so hard working and career focused. Why even the way he types emails is like my nephew on my Dad’s side. You get the picture, right? Just ignore these things. You know who you are and what you did for your daughter.

    Btw, why is your brother privy to what goes on in your daughter’s life? I don’t think that’s wise. Henceforth, to avoid all these judgmental comments, keep issues in the house within the four walls of your house.
     
    KashmirFlower and Anusha2917 like this.

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