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Different values

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Coolpriya, Apr 30, 2010.

  1. Coolpriya

    Coolpriya New IL'ite

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    Oh no, I did a write up of this whole thing and the page cleared when i hit submit :( and said i need to login agian. anyway to be short

    I'm so losing my sanity and my mind! My husband has differing values than me. he feels like I should be an equal and active role in finances like paying the bills and savings. I do not have a problem in earning equally, i can do it if it is bound by love. This by itself is not worse, but this means I HAVE to work as long as we live together to earn my bread and if i end up not working, i should take care of everything at home and compensate for not working. this was not my understanding and culture while growing. The guy is the supporter of the family and this feeling is a security blanket for a women.
    This would not even offend me if it was his ideplogy in all aspects. he thinks he is the "man" to his family and that he has responsibilty of taking care of them whereas not to his OWN family. He mentioned that its because he never even put the plate away after eating like a typical malayali guy. He says its different now because he helps do the dishes sometimes and does his bathroom. He even mentioned that he does more than me in household which is NOT true, because he does not COOK period. I cook, pack his lunch, sometimes breakfast and make his favourites when I can. I think i can live without him not having to do dishes, or bathroom!
    I think this is not fair. U gotta live with your values no matter what the situation is. if anything, he has more responsinility to his own family than anyone else.
    All this came up because I wanted to have my little savings ouut of the moey I bring home (like 20% of money) i might not even use it, thts like for emergencies. Now he wants to ahve his own a/c, and everything. this is inspite of the fact that he does not want to add me to his savings he has had since before marriage. thts because its "before" and i dont hav a say.
    i want to walk out of everything. the reason i even want to live is my immediate family mom dad etc.
    any help is appreciated. If u think im wrong pls explain patiently, as im broken already and dont want to feel worse.
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Do you want to keep your salary in seperate account and save it.
    That's what you want and that's where all other issues started?

    Is your husband responsable person?If so then why are worrying about keeping your money seperate?Doesn't he fell offended about this.Think about it.

    Write it more,what cocerns you have about your husband and why do you want to save your money seperate.

    If you wanted to seperate the accounts then you may need to pay some towards the house maintance.

    Yes once wife is at home,they expected to take care of everything.Nothing comes for free right.He has to work hard outside to get the money and you have to work hard at home to make the family.

    For me it's not easy.My husband bring me into picture every where.It's not our parents house any more and the princess days are over :-(
     
  3. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Coolpriya,
    You and DH fit the classic profile for a professional marriage counseling. Pls. see if you can find a marriage counselor in AZ. There is a good chance your relationship can improve after counseling (both you and DH should attend).
     
  4. Coolpriya

    Coolpriya New IL'ite

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    thanks for ur reply. i gotta admit he is responsible. My 2 concerns:
    as a typical son, he gets to supprt his parents later in life. But my problem is that, I dont get to do that because Im a GIRL!! and my paretns would not even like it. Is it wrong, that i want to help my parents financially to some extent? They do not have regular earnings, they sacrificed their life in raising 4 gals, got 4 girls married in a grand manner!! So by saving some money like a parrot I think i can help my paretns in future. I do not want to have all the money for myself, i earn almost as much as he does. all i need is a little bit of the money i earn like 200$ a month!!
    2) he awes at any jewellery i buy and says and thinks its tooo expensive and looks at it like its waste of money. this is another reason i want to put some money away so i can spend at my independence.
    being a guy he wont even add me to his savings ebfore marriage! u think thats reasonable?
    my other whole problem is that he acts like his family comes first (mom and sisters) after which his own family comes (he tells opposite and behaves differently)! i find that hurting for a person who moved all the way quitting my job for him.
    we are planning for kids so i do not want to jeopardise anything either as its easy for him to say lets put it off, but I know abt biological clock,
     
  5. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Dont get into this kids thing without professional counseling to sort your issues first.
     
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2010
  6. Coolpriya

    Coolpriya New IL'ite

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    Spidy.
    our marriage is very strong far beyond your doubt. EVery couple has ups and downs and I think we are better for 2 years of marriage. anyway thanks.
     
  7. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

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    How long have you been married? It takes some time for guys to learn to trust their wives. Work on building his trust and make him believe that you have everyone's (i.e. his family, him, you) best interest at heart. Only then will he learn to share with you. In indian culture, we don't marry just the guy, we have to learn to adjust to his whole family and if you can convince the guy that you won't cause any harm to them, only then will he learn to treat you like an equal. Simple but bitter truth.

    Unfortunately I have seen a lot of guys treat their wives secondary to their own family no matter what the wife does which I feel is not right. You need to figure out what your husband is like in these aspects.

    Also you need to pick and choose your battles. In the long run, who does the dishes or cleans the bathroom is not going to be important. If it bothers you so much, get cleaners. Trust me, fighting over these little things is not worth it and it will take you less time and effort to do things your hubby does not do rather than fight about it and spoil your mood when he says stupid things. I have cleaners coming in every 3 weeks to clean my house, it costs me 70 bucks each time but atleast then I don't fight with DH over the last time the bathrooms were cleaned or the carpets vaccummed.

    Savings is an important issue. For me, we have had a joint account since day 1. All earnings go here and all expenses are out of here. This is what works for us. Some of my friends, they each have accounts to deposit money into, and they decide who will pay what expense. or they transfer x amount of money into a joint account each month to pay for expenses. this way hubby can spend his savings how he wants and so can wife. you both need to sit down and figure out what works for you.

    will write more as thoughts come.
     
  8. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    I don't think you are thinking anything wrong. First of all calm down and write down what you want.
    • DH should help at home.
    • DH should let you have savings account.
    • DH should let you send money to your parents.
    Ok..does he ask you all these questions or just do as he pleases?

    My suggestion without complicating anything you have 1 joint account , 1 separate account.

    Joint is for household expenses that both contribute to. Separate is for your savings,etc.

    I don't think he should have an issue with this. Neither should you if he wants to do the same.

    Moreover you cannot change his thoughts.

    JMO

    FL
     
  9. Coolpriya

    Coolpriya New IL'ite

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    thanks...your replies help me feel like its not the end of the world...i admit i get too passionate sometimes
    we have been married 2 years now. he does tell me in advance abt stuff he plans to do
    thanks for your replies.
     
  10. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Well, good for you. You wrote "i want to walk out of everything" in your original post. What did you mean by that?
     

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