Did I stir a hornet's nest?

soulful · Mar 3, 2016

Hi friends, I don't know what I am doing - I am ranting to myself, putting my thoughts into words for me to sort my thoughts or you guys to tell me what I want to hear - honestly I don't know what I want to hear...so here goes.

Background-

So my relationship with MIL has not been very cordial. Many things she said /did and the usual MIL things ... you know... I have always been very cautious while dealing with her, not talking more than required etc. I have tried to let go and over the years the pain of all that happened has reduced a lot, primarily because I trained myself to not get into situations that could potentially turn sour. But forgiveness is altogether different beast, as it turns out.

Current Situation-

So she is visiting us right now, I had decided before she came that I am going to try to be more normal, more casual and speak to her as if nothing has happened. Difficult, but not impossible, right? SO today we went out to buy something for my soon-to-be -SIL and thought will take her with me and take her opinion, part of the whole plan to have a better relationship with her(last year, I would not think of it!)

And there, somehow something led to the conversation as to how what why it happened. How i felt bad, how she treated my parents as nothing etc, in turn she said that I have been stubborn and for that I said she is too. etc etc. She also said she did not mean anything and things just happened at the time it happened....I know I know, I know.... may be I was too open and that is why Now I am not sure if I did the right thing.

Almost everything came out. Surprisingly, she also listened! No tears, no screaming, no scenes. It was like two people having a slightly uncomfortable discussion - which btw, was more than "slightly" uncomfortable. I could have done the whole "good relationship" thing without telling her how I feel. At the same time, I also feel lighter bringing it all out in the open. I worry that this might lead to somewhere I did not intend it to go - downhill (God forbid!)

Sorry for the long rant... I had to organize my thoughts somewhere, where better than here where i can count on some good insights/perspective from all of you. Thanks so much in advance

kcb · Mar 3, 2016

Dear Soulful,

Don't worry at all....you did a right thing, now she knew what went wrong between you guys....

Best case she may realize and not repeat those mistakes......which is good

Worst case she may again start fights taking this discussion as a trigger point.....but in any case you be normal and talk to her normally as you decided before, and try to behave that no discussion happened between you two....

Good luck....

KashmirFlower · Mar 3, 2016

It is great thing that she listened with some maturity, as no tears etc. may be she respected ur feelings and just accepted that she was wrong.

or may be she was planning inside, how to take revenge. Thinking like How dare she talked with me like this pointing towards my acts, etc, but kept quiet for now.

So u will know based on her mentality what was she thinking really.

but u didn't do wrong at all, good u vented it out. Let them know how u felt.

Amica · Mar 4, 2016

Kudos on clearing the air. Understanding each other is always a good thing. :thumbsup

sunshine1970 · Mar 4, 2016

Be careful a few times I thought MIL and I cleared the air, and she changed everything I said and told DH, FIL and Sil a completely different story, and did huge drama. Parts of her story (10%) were real, so it was her word against mine, after this happened two times I never did again. At the time MIL and I were discussing she agreed and we hugged and I thought we had cleaned the air, it just gave her more ammo and insight and she hated me even more. Be careful what you discuss and hope it does not come to bite you back in the behind later.

soulful · Mar 4, 2016

Thank you @kcb, @kashmirflower, @amica and @sunshine1970

I sure hope things go ok. I am worried about exactly what Sunshine1970 said. Also, late last night, after i had posted here, we spoke for some time again and somehow I got the feeling that she was defending herself. I did not say anything in my defence then. Hoping for the best.

MalStrom · Mar 4, 2016

It's good you had the conversation. However do not bring up the topic again with her. Just continue neutrally. You don't know what she is really thinking inside.

Ragini25 · Mar 4, 2016

You should have been more on-guard. These venting and ranting to MIL is not something you should do 'on the spur of the moment'. Its a different matter if strategically planned and done, but what you did could come back to bite. Just be more careful.

Metamorphic · Mar 4, 2016

soulful said: ↑

I am going to try to be more normal, more casual and speak to her as if nothing has happened.
Click to expand...

Why this "as if nothing has happened". Things very much happened and you learnt your lessons too ... You should remember this!

Forgive what she has done to you. But don't forget what she basically is and what damage she is capable of doing.

You have done a right thing but not with the right person. Your whole intention to build a better relation is good and how she takes it is not in your control. So let it not bother you so much but be cautious next time.

deepthyanoop · Mar 4, 2016

Its good you conversed openly to her. Now leave it, she may or may not be changed. Don't take too much stress on how u will be act on now onwards. What happened happened....You behave normally. At least u let her know that her actions and words had caused u pain.

But if u asking me, I would say it is always better to have some emotional distance from a mother in law wwho caused you pain and troubles in the past )