DH asking back jewels on demand cos of MIL

shivachoubey · Jun 6, 2010

Dear Icy,

I have been reading all your post. Just wanted to say that you did a good job in standing for your rights. Make sure that you are politely and firm. Fighting and screaming back never works.

I never understand why a married woman needs to get up early than other and keep working like a maid. Be relaxed and do stuff according to your health and mood.

Search for a job so that you have a schedule. There is no point in doing house hold work the whole day. Just set aside 2 - 3 hours and then try doing other things.

Its wonderful to see how well other ladies advised you. Its time to understand and find your own self.

All the best.

regards

contented · Jun 6, 2010

V good icy ! Really proud of you. Now continue this. One word of caution, whatever you tell, tell it politely and calmly but do not scream. Because then the allegation against you will be that you shouted at your inlaws etc etc. And you will be asked to apologise to them.

Now I feel your husband and inlaws will start respecting you and will not take you for granted. However inspite of all your efforts, if things dont get better in couple of months, I think you should think twice about whether to waste all your energy and time in this relationship.

Take care!

-C

annam · Jun 6, 2010

hi icy
you have done a good job. get a job. you are there to love and care for them. not to work as a servent maid.

flowerlady · Jun 6, 2010

Way to go Icy , schedule your kitchen routine like cooking and cleaning according to your convenience. Get a dishwasher if you dont have one.
Tell MIL to take rest and the food will on the table at the right time.
Give her veggies to chop, be diplomatic and say that she does X job really well and everyone would like her to cook the X dish.
Learn to get work done , delegate .
If DH scolds you for being rude , ignore and continue with your work. Say that you get tired and will do the work as when you can. If complaints go to your parents forewarn them that they can do nothing about it.
Really saying that a wife is a wife only in bed is too much !!!!!!!!!!! Your DH grew up in this environment thats why he is behaving in this way.
Taking the bull by the horns is the best way.

icyspicy · Jun 6, 2010

i know what i have done is good for me...thnks for ur comments...but i don think its goingto change my husband's attitude cos after he came bak from office my mil told him i dont know wot...was not interested to hear her backbiting ...infact i was praying at tht time....then my dh camei n with a puffed up face....i went to kitchen ...my dh came in and asked "sumthing burining" then from the hall my mil also screamed the same thing...later i heard her telling her son .."u know if u clean the pan n scrub it everytime u use it then burning will not happen"....she was tellingit to her son!...oh god..wot a female!....then she should go asdk her son to scrub it...mky dh got into her qwords again ..n is showing the same ignorant atttide

yesican · Jun 7, 2010

Hi Icy,
The advice you've got here at IL is good, however I am not sure if it is the right advice for YOU.
If with your new -found "stand up for myself" attitude your MIL and hubby are not happy they will again send you to your parents. Last time that happened YOUR parents and YOU had to APOLOGIZE to them and BEG them to take you back. If they send you back again, can YOU & YOUR PARENTS SURVIVE THIS? I beleive you are muslim, please correct me if I am wrong, your hubby can divorce you by saying talaq 3 times, he will not have to go through long and expensive legal routes to divorce you, so he can easily divorce you.
Before embarking on your new found independent, standing up for myself avatar, please ask yourself if worst come to worst can you and your parents stand the worst case scenario?
If yes, what you are doing is right.
If not what you are doing is wrong.
THINK FOR YOURSELF AND DECIDE WHAT PATH IS RIGHT FOR YOU.

RadiantCat · Jun 7, 2010

Yes Ican has brought in an interesting discussion here. Icy, are you a tamilian and a tamil muslim? hmm...

ShilpaMa · Jun 7, 2010

Icy, You need to stand up for yourself by only talking back to DH.
As a rule one digs their grave in Indian family setup if they answer back their MIL for all the non/sense she creates.

Be smart, listen to the crappy logics on marriage by your MIL, keep it in mind and sort it only with DH.. that too on emotional note.

Just walk out when you cant tolerate a single word that your MIL says... and yes... if your DH approaches you to get physical.. dont push him aside.. ego will play... a lot of issues get resolved post intimacy or a discussion following that. Infact remain cheerful and in a comic tone tell him how much he'd hurt you a while before.

You implemented a lot of changes but again did a few kiddish acts to be back to sq 1... Never mind .. all the best for the next start.

icyspicy · Jun 7, 2010

i read all ur posts and thought abtur varied replies....what i talked with her yesterday was in a polie and firm way which she misunderstood as screaming at her....i believe she must have told her son abt it....but he dindt ask me ....finally at 11pm he came to the room for "his ususal work-laptop" cos his appliace can be connected only in our room otherwise he wouldnt even step inside until its time to sleep...i have applied what u have told abt being emotional n comic to tell him how hurt i was but he took advantage of tht too ...i have applied all possible ways a good obedient wife should have done to make her husband understand tht she is in pain or she is hurt but he chose to ignore...all he used to tell was"coordinate with my mom ans deal it urself...or ....relax take things positivly and do as they say its good for you only ....or ....itll take time till then relax"...but he never gave me any consolationg or suggestion how to reduce my burden .....things were the same even after have talked to him about 200 times in 2 years but nothing wortked out....thisd was my last resort for standing up formyself "directly"....cos now i dotn care what they think of me what they want to do...yes i am a muslim but not tamil muslim...urdu speaking....i am prepared for a split rather than living here being treated like a "door mat" by my own soulmate(if it was from mil i would not have minded n would have dealt it lightly)....

Today my dh ...when he was abt to greet me to go t office i stepped baqck ....i showed my displeasure for few days by being a little aloof n on my own cos i could not stand his behaviour by being normal with him....when i stepped back....again he got angry and tols me "if u dont love me anymore ...u should not stay in my house "...these words always come out of his mouth whever hes angry n only these words....he has used it so many times even in the lightest of misdunderstandings...i am fed up of hearing these big things from his mouth....i didnt bother and slept after sneding him to office...then he called up later and told tht he dindt mean (always he says sumthing to hurt me and he apologises...the hurt he gives me is in the form of emotional abuse ...threaten...or blacmail...its not any normal anger...he uses abuse as his weapon by threatening me )....then also he said ...make up with my mom ....see am i not goo to ur father?...then y r u not like him...i need to take "sessions" with u)....they think i am in a sort of training ground n not his wife...is tht y they brought me here...eberytime i try to tell him my concerns....always he sayd "i try to explain u so many times but u never understand and stops taking or listening to me "...i am never heard in this house...my hurts go unregosnised and if they r ...my dh take advantage of my weakness by avoiding intimacy ...he used to do tht before...but now im doing it cos im deeply shattered!.....for the moment he sorts things out but the next day hes the same old unchanged ignorant man...how can i believe him....

Today..my mil asked me to left up the 5 litlre water can to put on the table...till now she n her hubby used to do it....or when im alone my dh used to lift it up...today she tried to force me but i refused telling her...tht i have ovulation pain...she got angry...n started blabbering ...i kept quiet n ignored...then she started cleaning the frdge which she hasent done in years and askled me to contunue with the cleaning ...i did it...then she asked me to cook her wanted curry her way ...i did it....all the dishes she puts on me after sending me to the kitchen...all shedoes it cut and give me....and then directs do this do tht..clesn this clesan tht by this time ....and goes away to sit and chat with her love bird...i am in the kitchen till everything is done and wash all the dishes and then come out by 1:30pm....in the evening she makes tea and cooks dinner for her dh...again she leaves all the dishes n i have to go and wash...then late night my dh has his dinner n tht also is left on me....how far can i tolerate...i had to stand up i had no other choice...but i still cant trust my dh cos i believe he is just wanting to calm things down cos he needs the jewels which my paretns agreed tp give when they go to india...then i thing he n his mom will play the same game again to dig me under the ground.....even a maid is given respect and not forced upon....this is my story till now

icyspicy · Jun 7, 2010

About him giving me divorce....he clearly told me he will not do it ...cos in islam if a husband divorces his wife ..he has to give her a compensation n maintenance which i know surely he will not agree...so everytimg even i nanger or norlammy he tells me ...if i am not happy i should leave him but he will not in anycase....i have observed it ..n im sure abt it