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DH always blaming me that i have childish nature - What to do?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by chetavani50, May 19, 2014.

  1. chetavani50

    chetavani50 Gold IL'ite

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    Yeah thank you han412. I have started in small ways. I had kept promise that I will not send SMSes from now and I am keeping that word.
    And in doing something on my own, he tells out before I do it. Fear is my foremost concern. I need to overcome the fear of him if I need to do things on my own.
    Dear Redruby, thanks for your reply.
     
  2. complainBaby

    complainBaby Bronze IL'ite

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    he is immature in handling marriage and relation , he cant understand his wife , one need to polite n tolerable to maintain a happy married life , which your hubby lacks , tell him this that he is the one who is immature
     
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  3. positivegal

    positivegal Gold IL'ite

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    First of all, be admant of taking decisions..slowly people will learn to accept
     
  4. chetavani50

    chetavani50 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear complainbaby,positivegal thank you for your replies and suggestions.
     
  5. jigisha321

    jigisha321 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi, Being emotional and open in feelings is sometimes interpreted as childish. It helps the H to dominate more easily if he can brand wife as 'immature'/'childish'/'emotional' etc etc. I myself have received such compliments from my H. It makes me feel inferior and stupid. Now I realize that he dishes out such terms so that I lose my self-confidence and blindly follow him. But many times his decisions have also flopped.

    So the last time he used such terms..i calmly replied..'i am also educated and working right ? So what makes you think that I am foolish ? From now on donot use this tactics to establish your views..if i do something wrong based on my own decision then let me do the wrong and learn myself'...this little speech kept him quite for some days gigglingsmiley
     
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  6. FromMars

    FromMars Gold IL'ite

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    Instead of your husband telling you that you are incapable, you don't know finances, you can't make decisions, he needs to be saying, let me guide you through this, let me help you with this. As a wife, you have the right to get his support where you feel its necessary. Your husband is feeling a certain sense of superiority complex by belittling you. Maybe he is getting belittled elsewhere ( at his work, at his parents house ) etc. and he is behaving immaturely and insecurely with you.

    When he says you don't know X, demand that he show you how. Its better for the family.
     
  7. mnoo

    mnoo New IL'ite

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    Dear Chetavni,

    I may be biased ( because I am going through a similar thing in my marriage), but I think this is what is called emotional abuse.

    Definition:
    Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.
    Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching,” or “advice,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones (Engel, 1992, p. 10).

    Counseling Center » Emotional Abuse

    please google it or check the above link.


    Why I think it is emotional abuse?
    Because of your following statements:
    - I am a person who have no individuality
    - Whenever I question him anything he says that your mind is not matured still. Stop behaving childishly.
    - I accept the fact that I was not well exposed to the world outside,
    - But my nature is that I don't hurt anyone unnecessarily.
    -
    my DH's continuous and sequential discouragement has turned me into good-for-nothing in my in-laws as well as parents' view. I myself pity my position
    .
    - Having the thought of doing things on my own itself makes me a bit tense. I dot know but somehow I am afraid of the consequences , his looks, his voice.
    -I am afraid of my DH when he is angry and at the same time I am more comfortable to share my problems with him

    You have lost your faith in your self. The worst thing is he has somehow made you lose belief in yourself and at the same time fostered your dependence. A healthy marriage always allows for personal growth.
    People who have over-developed conscience or sense of fairness are prime targets for abusers because their belittling words always hit their target and over time we start to believe their perception of things, that we really are not good at certain things.

    Maybe I am not the best person to advice you but here is my 2 cents worth.
    Ask him to be specific in his accusations like if he calls you immature, ask him when and how according to him did you behave like that and ask yourself and your close friend if that was really immaturity or in-experience.
    And if it turns out that you are at fault prove to him that you making an effort to improve. At least you would get gratification that you are doing something right. You dont even have to depend on his acknowledgement. Take the first step and learn about finances.


    Your sense of self worth is a precious thing. It is the core of your strength. Fight for it.

     
  8. bluebanana

    bluebanana Bronze IL'ite

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    While reading your post...I got confused whether i had posted it and forgot...then I checked the username...no it's not me..but some other poor soul with exactly same problem...even the conversation you mentioned between you and your h is same...:)
     
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