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DH always blaming me that i have childish nature - What to do?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by chetavani50, May 19, 2014.

  1. chetavani50

    chetavani50 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi ladies,
    I would like to know the opinion/suggestions from Indusladies friends/experts
    My DH and I are from good educated families but my DH is a very very very stubborn person. In contrast, I am a person who have no individuality and at times I feel that I am just a machine obeying his orders . Whenever I question him anything he says that your mind is not matured still. Stop behaving childishly. Learn from your sis/my sis. As far as I know his sis/my sis has a free hand in their marriage and they are given full freedom regarding family decisions. But that is not in my case. HE is the whole and sole of our family.
    Whenever I am irritated, I send him SMS to vent out my feelings. For that he says ," Never give SMS like that. It may lead to many drastic circumstances. Be matured."
    I tell him happily that my salary is hiked and he says," Let me decide what we will do with that hike. You don't know financial management."
    As a child I was brought up to study well and be good later in life. I accept the fact that I was not well exposed to the world outside, that I did not know how to deal situations earlier but after joining work I came to know the people, the world . But my nature is that I don't hurt anyone unnecessarily. And my DH never feels that the other person is a human being. I have told him many times the same thing. He never listens. In contrast, he says - You don't know how to deal. Keep quiet.
    Am I at fault ? Do I really don't know how to talk/behave ? Is being polite wrong ? Tell me what exactly to do dear friends........
     
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  2. beingloved

    beingloved Gold IL'ite

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    Tell him politely, "I know how to deal with it or manage it. Even if i don't, i would like to try, make mistakes, learn from it and do it better next time".
     
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  3. chetavani50

    chetavani50 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for your reply beingloved.
    There you are. My DH does not like the word - I KNOW from me.
    He sees the negative side of a decision taken by me and positive side of a decision taken by him. I am a mentally strong woman but my DH's continuous and sequential discouragement has turned me into good-for-nothing in my in-laws as well as parents' view. I myself pity my position. I have turned from what to what ? Is this the position of an Indian married woman ? Doesn't she have a say in her marriage ? Is she to lose her individuality and respect ? I have seen my colleagues/friends who are sailing in the same boat or in the opposite boat.
    Please advice how to be strong mentally .
     
  4. HeartHealer

    HeartHealer Guest

    Hi Chetavani,

    Thanks for writing to us.



    There you go. You have somewhere accepted that you're not very well versed with the world outside and you can take immature decisions.

    Ma'am, first try to build confidence within yourself and then try to counter your husband. What would generally happen is, when he tells you to do something, to which you might feel a little negative, you still do it. Why ? Because, somewhere in your mnd, you feel that, perhaps your husband might be right and you might be wrong.

    Adding to this, there's always a fear that what if something that you did goes wrong? You might get a tight scolding from your husband and your act might prove to him that you're really immature.


    Word of advice: Do it, no matter if things go right or wrong. Until and unless you try doing something, you wouldn't know if you would do it right or wrong.

    Just remember, never to repeat the same mistake, because that shows a true act of immaturity. Take up tasks that are less important. Do them according to you. Slowly and steadily, you will gain some confidence.

    Moreover, you husband is in a way very practical. His maturity is clubbed up with his practical nature. You on the other hand, and as women generally are, a little emotional and tender heart. That is why, there's a mismatch.

    Anyways, we will handle that later. But, first try to become confident, trust yourself, believe in yourself and I am sure, things will be fine.

     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Your husband said not to send SMS to vent out your irritation, and you continue to send SMS "whenever you are irritated"?

    In a way he is right. SMS gives written form to our feelings that are often temporary. The SMS can stay for ever while the irritation is soon gone.

    Once in a while an angry SMS happens, but making that a routine way to vent is not a good idea.
     
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  6. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    i think you should open a bank account in your name and have salary deposited there. Tell him that you want to learn how to manage the finances. Maybe ask him how did he learn. Whenever, he says some insulting stuff, just give him silent treatment for a while. He will get the message. No need to send SMS. Silence is golden and the best treatment. When he comes to his sense, ask him to teach you. Also, do your own research so you can have meaningful conversations. Read, Read, Read. get more information. Information is power.
     
  7. RedRuby

    RedRuby Platinum IL'ite

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    Start to beliefe first in yourself to make others beliefe in you.

    Basically it is ok to have different opinion about financial things or other topics. These are resolved in a matured marriage through talking and putting boths opinion and wishes on the plate for deciding process and compromising. This includes respect for each others views and wishes.
    I feel your husband fails in that process completely, which makes him appear as the more childish immature one in a way. He might know how to handle finances, he doesnt seem to know how to handle fair conversation with a spouse.
    Having said that what you can do about it in my humble opinion is simply not falling for his phrases (your immature etc.) but force him and bring him back all the time to give you exact information about his argument and WHY he wants a specific thing / topic etc. going his ways. Keep in mind you are equal. You have the same right to dissagree with his points then he has with yours, the point is it shud be done with respect. The moment he insults you inform him he lost track of proper (growing up) conversation and ask him to stick to topic, otherwise you just leave if he reapeats and do whatever you wished to do. You tried to talk it out and find compromise, if hes not willing.. well.. let it be.

    About your money, its yours. Its not about him to decide what to do with it. In this case you clearly have the last word. Tell him you are obviously mature enough to get hiked as your boss is appreciating your work (this is prooved) so your mature enough too to handle the fruits of your own work.

    Comparing with others is never good. Tell him that as you dont compare him you want the same respect.

    If no conversation works and not all staying calm and leading back to topic just dont do it anymore. Walk out, dont try to discuss such manners anymore.. simply do what you wish. If he asks you why your like this reply simply "as you wished me learning from Sil and my sis and they have all freedom of doing how they want i followed your advice and do now same, thanks works good for me too, you where right".
     
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  8. han412

    han412 Gold IL'ite

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    Be assertive. Speak up. Prove yourself to your husband, then next time point it out. Start in small ways , do something on your own.
    Don't let your confidence take a beating. These overbearing ways , small belittling words make a persons self confidence take a dive.
    Be polite but firm. May be you have more manners.
     
  9. chetavani50

    chetavani50 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear hearthealer, rihana,akanksha1982

    Heartful Thanks for your replies. As you suggested , I will try to build up confidence in myself. I understand from all of your replies that my DH is in a way right. But can I go in his way ? Can I argue like him ? Having the thought of doing things on my own itself makes me a bit tense. I dot know but somehow I am afraid of the consequences , his looks, his voice. May be I am used to it. I am in a complicated situation. I am afraid of my DH when he is angry and at the same time I am more comfortable to share my problems with him . He cares, concerns, commands,controls and everything.
     
  10. han412

    han412 Gold IL'ite

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    You need not become exactly like your husband and deal with situations like he does. You can handle them in your own calm way. Maybe he will learn something from you.
    Trust me no wife shares everything with husband. My dh cares nil about one of my greatest passions.
     
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