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Depressed And Confused In My Marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by adisum, Jan 11, 2021.

  1. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    hi ladies,

    I am feeling my lowest and worst at this time. I do not have anyone to share my heart with. i need to vent out somewhere to keep my sanity as i am getting suicidal thoughts right now.

    I don't know if I have posted this earlier or not but I am married for 3 year now and from the very first year i had massive issues with my mother in law. she cornered me, abused me verbally because of jealousy, abused my parents, accused my husband for not giving all his salary to her. in first year, I tolerated her by crying and not arguing. in my 2nd year i started giving replies to her. I stopped asking for her acceptance and had arguments on this with my husband a several times. he always say she is elder we have to tolerate whatever she does. I never agreed to that point. but recently she has started manipulating my husband at my back and tis is taking a toll on my married life. she behaves all good in front of him and he is now behaving to me as if i am at the fault from the beginning and hid mother is the victim of my anger and ignorance.

    yesterday, ( My mother in law prepared tea for us and she gave me half cup and full cup to her son, I just playfully said that she has kept her indifference in tea also ) my husband started scolded me for such a petty issue and abused me verbally in front of his brother and mother. his mother interfered in our argument and start to advice me that i should not argue, i should not put jinx on anything that happens in the house by crying.

    When i asked her to stop her son from abusing me, she very calmly asked him to do so and started crying herself reminding him of the previous arguments they both had in first year of marriage.

    My husband even said to me that I feel happy if something good is happening at my mother's place but always start crying and put jinx if something good happens at in laws. I swear to my god , i have never ever thought this way. I am myself buying the stuff at my in laws why would I put a jinx to it. when I asked him politely again why he said this, he said i was in anger and thus I should not take it seriously. I asked him calmly that if he has said this there must be something in his mind, he started arguing again and told me that i am ruining the relationships. i cant even keep hold on our marriage and how will i be able to hold up on relation with mother in law.

    i am getting depressed and i can feel this in my behavior. I have stopped talking to my sister, and have limited my talks to my parents as well as i feel that i am always talking about my mother in law to them and they are getting negative towards me. i am feeling like i am all alone in this world. i have no one to talk to , no one to share my sorrow with. I don't want to patch up with my MIL because she has made me suffered a lot in my first year of marriage. My husband just don't understand. he always start pressurizing me to make my relations good with MIL. i am feeling trapped. my in laws home has every facility available, money, big bungalow but i feel like a sparrow trapped in golden cage. i just want to be free. I feel the escape is to die only. i have lost the motive to live.
     
    Hopikrishnan likes this.
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  2. stayblessed

    stayblessed Gold IL'ite

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    Hi adisum
    I am sorry that you are going through this. This is a very tricky thing to deal with. Unless we are able to prove that the person is acting and double faced we can never make the other parties understand. To prove that we have to manipulate too. But that's not something we can get over a day. IMO one of the worst things people can do is showing others in bad light which is nothing but character assassination. Try to go on a vacation with your husband and explain to him when he is in a good mood about your side. Can you and your husband not stay away from your in laws? Since he doesn't want to ruin relationships tell him that we can stay in a separate home and meet during festivals. Tell him that if he doesn't want you to talk back is it okay if you take everything to him and let him do the talking to your mil. Pls don't take any hasty decisions. I am glad that you are able to collect yourself and post your issue here. If you don't want to talk to your parents or sister take a professionals help may be.
     
  3. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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  4. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    thankyou for your reply, hearing from someone without any blames is something i need the most right now. No, we cannot live away as my husband is not willing. society pressure or self pressure or over protective love- i dont know what it is but he is the only son and dont want to leave his parents. I also never insist him for the same as i know how it feels living far from own parents. going on vacation can be a solution but i have tried this in the past. when he is with me he is fine and understands, but as soon as his mother appears and say something , he is at her side.

    if I am in office and he is on leave , that is the day when we surely get into extreme arguments, I don't know if my mother do some black magic on him or what but this happens every time he is at home without me.

    As they are not hitting me physically they think that they are doing nothing wrong and i cannot take any actions on verbal abuse because " how will I prove it to be an abuse" , this is what they are taking advantage of. I sometimes feel like running away from everyone. not even disclose my location to my parents and just go somewhere else to start a new life where i will be alone but free from all this drama and non sense. i am shattering from inside with this verbal abuse and blame game. he just keep on blaming me for everything. if i am angry , i am the reason. if he is angry , i am the reason. if his mother doesn't accept me, i am the reason. if his mother do dramas, i am the reason. he kept on saying you have become worst, you have become negative, but being my lover for 10 years, being my best friend, he is unable to understand that every action has a reason and he is not ready to figure out the reasons of my behavioral changes. just blames and blames. i am heartbroken.
     
  5. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    Hi, thanks for your response. No kid yet. that is a separate issue, my husband has low sperm counts, 1 ivf already failed.

    I am fine with his saying that i should pick on my fights but is it fine to argue for some petty issue not in private and in front of the family ? If any of my words doesn't seem right to him, he should have told me in private but he created whole drama in front of his mother and brother by throwing the food on floor and throwing his phone on bed near me. does any sort of argument justifies to use abusive words ?

    What if in place of his mother and brother, it could happen to be my mother and brother and I had abused him in front of them. what do you think would have happened ?
     
  6. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    Wow... you are in a situation where you might goad him into better aim the next time around.

    You say you are an employed woman, no children. Yet you tolerate this, because "home has every facility available, money, big bungalow "? Before things deteriorate into physical abuse, you need legal help from a family law practitioner. While you have the time, collect data on bank accounts, family assets, and so on. Save money for legal fees.
     
    chanchitra likes this.
  7. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    i am not after money dear. when i started dating this man, he had nothing. we have made everything together. yet i don't care about money. if he gets ready to be away from this house, i will be more than happy for that . i want my life to be happy with him

    i am from a background where divorce should not come even if the situation is to do or die. honestly, i have a very low self esteem and very low confidence. i have no power to take any legal action because i know i will be all alone in this, even my mother will not stand by my side saying that " no one breaks their marriage on small arguments" . Please understand my point no one means no one in my household is understanding my situation. everyone is saying that i am overthinking and pulling the situation without any reason. my father is heart patient with no work. i am supporting him financially through my job. i dont know how he will take if i go towards some legal action. may be i will sound like a crazy woman to you but even after all this i love my husband, we were in relation for 8 years before we got married. i am still giving him a benefit of doubt that his behavior towards me is because oif his mother. i just want a simple happy life with no room for tantrums and interference from my MIL. when i try to show her boundaries to her, she creates drama and it backfires me through my husband's behavior.
     
    Hopikrishnan likes this.
  8. hrastro

    hrastro Finest Post Winner

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    Is it possible to get some temporary project/job away from your city/country - even for a few months?

    It will give you legitimate time and space to think separately, allow your husband to miss you, come and meet you on weekends and probably have some relaxed time!
     
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  9. hrastro

    hrastro Finest Post Winner

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    Used to happen to one of my friends - whenever her husband visited his parents, he would come back and start arguments and accusations...
    Until my friend realized what was happening.
    She would not defend herself. She would just state the exact same sentence she knew her MIL said in the same exact tone with the same posture.

    By the 3rd time, the husband wised up! From the 4th time, he himself would come home and enact the MIL's (his mother's) actions and they both would laugh about it.
    My friend would later complain to her MIL and update that they had a fight... MIL was very happy that she created a fight, my friend and her husband were happy that at least one less thing to argue about! :boxing:
    Whenever my friend used to visit her inlaws she used to act as if she was the unhappiest person, with so many troubles ... so MIL was even more happy!!
     
    MalStrom, chanchitra and Hopikrishnan like this.
  10. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    How would she learn the dialogue?
    Spycam technology? This started off as a baby-cam to keep an eye on the baby, then adapted to identify door-bell ringers, and now...Is this also used to check on MIL when the Lady of the Home is at work ? :roflmao:
    Long term know each other before wedding cases will have a lot of sunk costs. If partners had got into the marriage by ignoring the advice/warnings of other relatives/friends, divestitures would be even more difficult.
     

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