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Dejected In Life

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shyluramesh, Sep 17, 2007.

  1. shyluramesh

    shyluramesh Guest

    Hai ladies
    This is Shylaja, let me briefly explain about myself, I am youngest of sibling of 3 sisters, both my sisters are married and settled, elder one in US and the second in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Hyderabad</st1:place></st1:City>, myself married to an engineer in Chennai itself. I was born and brought up also in Chennai, my father was in Army but retired early and started his own real estate business which did quite well and my family was a close knit middle class family where we cared each other to the core.My mom a simple house wife, our upbringing was very normal and all of us were given very good education and I was above average student. I did my BSC Computers and also additonal 2years in diploma in computers, I always wanted to work and be independent like my sisters, but my hopes were shattered<?xml:namespace prefix = v ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:vml" /><v:shapetype id=_x0000_t75 stroked="f" filled="f" path="m@4@5l@4@11@9@11@9@5xe" o:preferrelative="t" o:spt="75" coordsize="21600,21600"> <v:stroke joinstyle="miter"></v:stroke><v:formulas><v:f eqn="if lineDrawn pixelLineWidth 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @0 1 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum 0 0 @1"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @2 1 2"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelWidth"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelHeight"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @0 0 1"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @6 1 2"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelWidth"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @8 21600 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelHeight"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @10 21600 0"></v:f></v:formulas><v:path o:connecttype="rect" gradientshapeok="t" o:extrusionok="f"></v:path><o:lock aspectratio="t" v:ext="edit"></o:lock></v:shapetype><v:shape id=_x0000_i1025 style="WIDTH: 28.8pt; HEIGHT: 19.8pt" alt="" type="#_x0000_t75"><v:imagedata o:href="http://www.indusladies.com/forums/images/smilies/bangcomp.gif" src="file:///C:\DOCUME~1\UNITED~1\LOCALS~1\Temp\msohtml1\01\clip_image001.gif"></v:imagedata></v:shape>after my marraige to a only son of completely indifferent people(my inlaws) who doesnt know the meaning of love and affection. My parents convinced me with this proposal, thinking I wont have any SIL or BIL problems in future I can lead a very happy life. I have 2 kids 6 year old son and 2 year old daughter, my hubby emplyed in a private firm with good sal. You may wonder the reason for my depression as I have everything a girl would need, a happy family, inlaws and loving parents and sisters.
    No actually I am so lonely and so insecured because of my husband's and his parents attitude they just dont know how to show any affection not even to my childeren. As it is they are not close to any relatives of theirs absolutely no visitors in our house, my parents to dont come often because of their attitude. And me visiting my parents home is allowed only for 2 to 3 hrs visit and staying there is completely banned. And when I stay there for 3 tp 4 days when my sisters visit for a holiday then I just cannot face these people over here, my MIL will be so gloomy she wont talk to me for 10-15 days and my husband will give his full support to his mom. The most important part is they just dont care for me, that is regarding my health or anything for that matter, me being ill or I suffer with any severe ailment wont have a slightest affect on them.
    Now coming to my actual problem, I have been diagonised with multiple fibroid in my uterus and even formation of cyst and for this I am advised to undergo hysterectomy and parents where so worried when I told them, because I am only 30 yrs old and removal of uterus at this early age is not really advisable, but this didnt have a slightest effect in my inlaws home, including my hubby. All he said was if it has to be done then it shud be done, my MIL didnt speak to me regarding this, then I opened this matter to her, and her reply was a great shock to me, all she said that is her poor son is so unlucky to get a unhealthy wife. What she means by that I really dont know , because I slog from morning to night, I pick up my kids from school and playhome, I do all the cooking and feeding my kids, looking into my sons homework and between paying electricity and telephone bills, inspite of all this she makes one remark that Iam unhealthy and useless wife.
    I feel so depressed that I think of divorcing him and get employed and stay independently with my childrent, but still I fear this society.
    I would appreciate any suggesstion irrespective of the age .
    Love
    Shylu
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 17, 2007
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  2. subbutr

    subbutr Senior IL'ite

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    Respected Shyluramesh,

    Yes in Life , there are such types of people around us, the problem at your inlaws are that they are a bit over possessive and your husband seems to be ignorent of realizing the realities.

    Divorce is not that easy and to survive with 2 young kids as well as your age will add more unrest and frustrations at this stage.

    Regarding the Uterus problem( hysterectom ), it has to be done, as these type of complications comes to some women even at the age of 18 itself ( I have got it done to my sister when she was at 19 years tender age while studying and those doctors asked our parents and me , do you want your sister or her suffering , we said no, her uterus can be removed as the cyst has formed fully, and she is living with us unmarried last 27 years, we have set her a business to look after and she is doing fine with a turnover of nearly 9 lakhs per month )

    So Health is first and foremost important, then the welfare of childrens as your kids are hardly 6 years & 2 years.

    Although you do not have the support from MIL or SIL & unfortunatly the neccessary attentions of your hubby, Still it is hard to digest and toil day by day, you have got to concentrate on turning your husband's attentions only by more affections, try your maximum best to convince him, listen to him so that he speaks to you fully all aspects of life, irrespective of his whims and fancies.

    Many families can found that even not today, some time later the other will understand one's difficult days and returns back to normalcy.

    Relationships are easy to break, but to develop an intimacy, lot's of sacrifices and hardships needed.

    If you have the strong will, do try to divert all his attentions ( Your Hubby's ), try to learn some professional training and get involved in settling down with a job to start with.

    Once You start earning, there is always a tendency from your husband and inlaws to show their concern to you as you are now able to get them more money to spend. That's another way of adjustments for the family's welfare.

    May be after hearing your views for this post and our friends suggessions we can have furthur discussions.

    Do handle this subject with utmost care and delicate sense of secured thoughts before taking any drastic steps.

    Life is to confront the obstacles and to excel.

    Sorry to say I have used some harsh facts of life...if you donot mind , my advice is that you should come out of this insecurity and succeed to run a fully satisfied life and be an example to your kids., that how our mother has sacrificed her life to bring us to comfortable levels.

    subbu
     
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  3. Kamla

    Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Shyluramesh,

    Sorry that you are going through some trying times. Shylu, it is very difficult to give advice on such personal level. Like Subbu here mentions, divorce is a very major step to take and there is no looking back once you go on that path.

    Even happily married people have phases of depressions and low times in life. You seem to have a ready made package deal at home to offer the life's lows. You seem to have put up with it for quite a few years now, considering your older child is 6 years of age. You have two toddlers to take care of and spend time with. You are quite busy with their upbringing. I am wondering if this is an outburst at one of your lowest phases ? Obviously, personal health adding to your existing woes.

    I know, you must be feeling that it is a thankless life. No one, esp those who matter the most like your husband, even seem to acknowledge all that you do nor is there love or affection in your life.

    You have to take a deep breath, sit back and count all your positives and negatives. Do a bit of introspection. Will you be able to manage with two kids after a divorce ? How will your children be affected by it, what support will you get from your side of the family ? What are your job prospects?

    Also think...is it possible to talk to your husband about your woes ? Can you both consult a counselor ? Can you gather up your cool and courage and talk about your heartache to your in-laws and husband and say that you are at your wit's end ? If not, write it all out to your husband in a letter and give it to him. Let them know how badly you are affected and what extreme decisions you are tending towards.

    And like Subbu said, how about using your abilities and getting a job ? I think you too should start throwing your weight around the house. With you cooking, cleaning, paying bills and rearing two young children, they surely are not dumb not to realize your worth. If they don't acknowledge it, you acknowledge it ! Tell them how dependent they are on you and what it is that they lose out when you are not there. I will tell you, they will know what hit them then.

    Just don't make hasty decisions. Take your parents' guidance and that of your well wishers. Make your moves slowly and with confidence. Make them realize what it is that they have in you. The more you show that you are weak and helpless, the more advantage will they take of you.

    I know, life should not be that of such calculated moves...games or one upmanship. Unfortunately, you are pushed to play this game of chess. So, do so with confidence and trust.

    I wish you all the luck. Don't lose hope and don't make decisions under emotional stress.

    L, Kamla
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2007
  4. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Shylu,

    As Subbu & Kamla rightly said you need to do something about your life and try to be more emotionally & financially independent.

    If you plan to take up a job or do something on your own...don't ever make the mistake of handing over the finances to your husband or in-laws you manage your own finance. I know it may sound wierd but better beware.

    If you become financially independent then you could have couple of helps to help you around the house.

    Also see to it that you mould you kids the way you want them to (to be good human beings) and don't let your in-laws family influence them. As they graw they will realise your worth. But also don't poison them against your in-laws.

    Whatever decision you take see to it that your kids are not emotionally affected or feel deprived.

    Roopa
     
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  5. sunitha

    sunitha Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Shylu

    I think our members have given you good responses...There is one positive in this..did you notice..You have been diagonised with this problem only now,after the birth of your kids..are you not lucky? What if it was before their birth...you may not have had kids and your in-laws would have been more heartless then.Every cloud have a silver lining!

    Like Subbu said,go ahead with this surgery...it is important for you now to do it...ignore all hurting comments..Take the help of your parents especially after your surgery.You will need some time to recover and I am sure your inlaws will be of no help in this.

    All the best..
     
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  6. malspie

    malspie Platinum IL'ite

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    Take a bold step and do not succumb. Respect yourself.
     
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  7. Tamildownunder

    Tamildownunder Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear ShyluRamesh,

    I feel sorry for you that at an young age you have to go through all this. As others have said here, I also won't advice divorce as a solution. You have to win the love of your husband and get him involved in your problems 100%. It is easily said than done. One way of course is to go to another place preferably far away from your heartless in-laws.

    Regarding your medical problem, if an operation is to be done better go through it now. You have two kids and you must realise that you have brought them to this world and so you have to see to it that they grow into successful people. I don't know how religious you are. Have faith in God. There is a saying that 'if one door closes, God will open another door'. He will certainly solve all your problems and get you out of your depression. As you say you were a better student and you are a post-graduate in computers, you can find avenues to get a good job and stand on your own legs. Your husband also will support you. I wish you all the best and I will include you in my prayers.

    Regards,

    TDU
     
  8. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi shylu,

    First never feel dejected in life....

    Lot of il's have given suggestions/advice....

    I can only say one thing.... take care of your health...it is your responsibility to yourself....then to your children..

    From my own experience...never leave things that can be done today for tomorrow..if the doctor says operate..go ahead....if you are having doubts go for a second opinion. I had a cyst...never knew it was there...husband was away abroad..fil was at home taking care of mil..dialysis...my children were 8 and 5...one day had severe pain...thought it was pms.. could not control...went to my gyneac..she was not there...so had to go another..luckily..she adviced me to take an injection to reduce the pain..and if not go for a scan..i went for the scan..scan showed i had a cyst that had burst and blood inside my stomach... came back to the doctor..really here i have to say...when there are doors closing..god always leaves one opened...the gynaec husband is a laproscopic surgeon..he explained me the details.... i took it cooly...i just asked them where..how much...how many days..(see it is was life and death for me..no body to decide....fil was in his own world ....mil in her own trauma..) Sisters did not turn up when called to help me out at the hospital..so fil just came in to sign the high risk and left...inbetween called my husband and told him details...got operated...had a 2.5kg cyst...with ovary infected...so got all this removed....through laproscopy...was in hospital for 3 days...my kids just came one day to visit ...i got myself discharged went home to be there for my kids from 3 day... got the staples removed on the 7th day..all alone... (when you are have the will you will get the strength to tackle...depression will lead to self pity...so never think on those terms...)


    Here shylu, this is not to make you feel scared...or am i trying to impress that i am cool..determined... i was actually scared...what if something happened to me..nobody to take care of my kids...

    So the moment you are out of this health risk...we can talk about your family problem..all the best .....
     
  9. Kamla

    Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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    Shanvy is right...I got so carried away by your emotional stress that I forgot to add the most important thing...YES..Health is Wealth. Attend to your health FIRST !

    Take care...L, Kamla
     
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  10. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Kamla,

    Thanks for supporting and seconding my opinion...

    Shylu,

    Only when you are in good health you can stand against your husband..and family.. and fight for your cause what ever it is later.....we will definitely help you...waiting to give you the emotional support.....
     

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