Dealing with Toddler/Preschooler tantrums, especially outside the home

Anitha, spitting food was a huge issue with us till K got used to table food. I have written reams here about it. I have a feeling she is getting furstrated at not being able to communicate with you. Have you considered using sign language?
As hard hearted as it may sound, crying should not let her get her way. With DS it helped me if I were to hug him and talk softly to him to calm him down first and then tell him why he wont get his way. MR here actually was the one who suggested a hug after the child calms down from the tantrum and then talking firmly and softly and removing the child from the place. Also, K was a very easily divertible child. That too helped us. HTH

 

K, I understand what you say. That is precisely why I want to nip this in the bud. I should try sign language again. She wasn't paying attention but I have been saying and showing "good morning" for the past one month and she was doing it in the evening today And you are right, I should be calm and speak softly. I tend to get flustered and this worsens the situation I guess. And diversions work 50:50! Will keep trying.....I am at my wits ends at times!

 

Anitha - like krithika said, and you agree too, lot of No's from both sides will only heat up the situation. if she starts throwing tantrums, just take a deep breath and let her do whatever she wants for a few seconds. when she starts wondering why mommy is not reacting her usual way, try hugging her, tell her using signs and also in words on why she shouldn't be doing something. this is what i used to do with dd. again this worked only for a few days, then i had to come up with something new. newer ways of handling things makes kids wonder why, and in the meantime gives us time to settle them down. at the end, she shouldn't get away easily with those tantrums.

dd is 3.9 now.. these days i just say "you shout and all are staring at us. amma feeling sad and shame.". for some reason, the word 'sad' makes her melt down quickly.. dont know for how long.

 

Anitha,

I wanted to type a reply y'day; a day delay and i've forgotten half of the tips:hide:. anyhow - the way i parented my boy was very very different. 4 yrs down the line and i've learnt a lot - i.e. to handle in a different way. the tantrums do start early with this generation isn't it?

on her screaming when taken away from her 'activity' to clean... this is what i do with my DD. i tell her to take a pause and we'll return after cleaning potty. i tell her twice. the 3rd time i stop her physically from whatever she's doing. there are screams but i repeat to her 'i'm sorry' 'i know you're upset. we will be back soon'. after her montessori sessions i follow mostly that. so you choose what works best for you. if she's watching TV i do not pause it without 'informing' her. i ask her to say bye to the TV/music. it doesn't work the first time itself. she got the hang of it in a week.

on spitting food - if she doesn't listen to your please, nos... remove her from the scene. tell her very firmly (choosing few words as possible) 'spitting is not allowed'. if she cries - let her cry and comfort her after few minutes. see i always thought this way will not work but it does with her. it's okay for them to cry and let out their frustration. if the cry turns to a scream hug her and tell her it's okay. if she refuses to be hugged then just leave her alone but stay by her side. they get the message in 1 or 2 weeks' time.

hope it helps

 

Anitha, Am trying to go back to my DD's toddler ages )
What worked me the best was - to divert her. Toddlers have the joy of repeating the same thing, esp when they are told NO. Just for fun, they do a lot of things, which are our biggest issues. So I used to divert DD with another toy, bubble play, water play, take her out of scene. When she spits food, I would stop giving her food, grab the bowl/spoon away and give her something else to play with. Later, after 15-20mins, would try again to give her food, with something interesting to play with. Mostly it would be a plate of food, she would be busy mixing up and mashing food, and I would talk how good she is in, and fiinish off the job. For loo visits, we had a song, tick tock tick tock, time for looo... something like this, funny, we would all giggle and make faces then, she would look forward to loo times this way!

Later, when we dont do any chores to her, say no food, loo, change, but just when we spend time with her, we had another song in tamil, our own composition, which would be like - S is a darling, she wont spit her food, she knows food gives strength, she is a smiley girl, knows screaming wont work, etc etc... in simple tamil words... she really understood the song, we would all sing this in chorus, dance, have fun, clap, and she gets the messsage. Later, after her 1.5yrs or so, she started getting frustrated when we changed the topic and diverted her, thats when we stopped diverting her, started giving her hugs and explained her why she cant do XXX, then and there, she liked this way, she felt respected this way, so we followed her cues(!) )))))))) The more we make things fun, they listen and be in the receptive mode, otherwise, once the fun atmos isnt there, they go to non-listening mode and end up throwing tantrums for fun. Thats how my DD was ))

:thumbsup

 

good point Latha.

 

Latha, Asha, Pon thanks a lot! I realise that I should not take this personally and should keep my calm. I tried telling her that we will come back, and that it is time to clean this afternoon. The screams weren't that bad. Looks like my girl understands a lot more than I give her credit for. Pon, will try the song too. Thanks again ladies, will try each of your tips and see what works for this girl.

 

Sindhu,

really well said. I too and still there are many that thought/think tantrums = ill-mannered/badly behaved children. i was still naive with my 1st born. but now after the 2nd kid, after observing moms at play groups, in the bus/train i've come out of that myth. you know here in buses if a child 'shouts' a little bit loud the elderly (not all of them though!) will make such a bad face. once a mom said 'they're still young and unable to express what they have in mind. that's why they're shouting. why can't you let children be children?'. that was such a beautiful realisation isn't it?

my DS will be 5 yrs next week but still i know he forgets all his vocabs, ways to talk etc., when tired, during a disciplining process etc.,

don't take anything personally and don't be hard on yourself or on the kids. just do what you think will work best at that given situation.

Latha

 

Oh Sindhu, how well you understand. Thanks! I have been getting constant advices that this will lead to an ill=mannered, ill-tempered child. I feel so much better now.

Latha, thank you for the support. I have so much to learn from you people. When my parents say "You are not raising her properly, that is why she is shouting/screaming/crying/adamant", I feel so bad. I am spending 24/7 with her, try to do what is best, research out stuff when it concerns her........oh well! I will remember these words "Let children be children"