Dealing with gambling spouse

Hi

IL has been really helpful to me over the years. I see that there is only one other discussion about gambling. When I first discovered about my spouse gambling addiction, I was totally clueless.
Each person will have their own unique situation and struggles. I wanted to share my experiences and tell others of a few things that helped me. This is not about making the gambler stop. This is about helping yourself.

1. Having a support system. It could be anyone. Family, friends, professional counselors, prayer groups. Try different things and see where you are comfortable. Sometimes total strangers are most helpful. Initially I spoke with my brother who was very supportive. I went to gam-anon meeting which gave me different perspectives. Then I went to counselling and it really helped me to recover faster.
2. You need to be strong physically and emotionally. Take care of yourself first. Don’t skip your meals because you are angry or sad. They really don’t care. Walking is my best stress buster. Try to find a physical activity that suits you best. If possible ask someone you deeply trust to be with you to help out.
3. Having self-confidence. All gamblers are good manipulators. They will use your guilt against you. Know how to deal with manipulation tactics. Till date my husband never accepted he have a problem. He minimizes it. His biggest argument is everyone lies, everyone loses money once in a while. He says it just happened and he never thought much about it. He blamed me for ruining his peace. He said I am causing stress which leads him to gamble. All this is to gain sympathy and use guilt in me. Dr. George Simon’s book, “In Sheeps clothing” and his blog helped me tremendously.
4. Learn not to be an enabler to their addictions. Never accompany them to gambling places. Never give your approval when they inform you about their plans to gamble. Don’t lie/cover-up for them. Don’t repay their loans. Don’t share your money. Don’t take up their responsibilities. I know it doesn’t sound like a marriage when you start talking mine/yours instead of us. But this is the most important step.
5. It's not about money. They may have never lost money till date but it's still dangerous. Don't celebrate if they are on a winning streak. That is also enabling. They may point out your personal expenses to argue. Be prepared. Prepare a budget and stick to it. Most will give you advice about controlling money. But it’s their lies and cheating that is most hurtful for me. No relation can survive when trust is lost.
6. Gambling doesn’t always happen at casinos. Online gaming, Share trading are also forms of addiction when it starts to control the person. Playing poker with friends without money can also trigger relapse when a person is addict. This was a hard to control situation for me. We were a big group of friends who used to meet regularly for a potluck dinner followed by poker/black jack. If possible talk to friends and ask them to exclude you from such events.
7. Dealing with situation logically and not emotionally. It’s easier said than done. I always used to end up angry or crying but the few times I had a logical discussion instead of an emotional one I felt very empowered. Once I got a taste of it, I never looked back. I believe professional counselors can help when it is over whelming. Also it is better to walk away from an argument than to lose control of your emotions over it.
8. Seeking legal and financial help. Monitor credit reports, bank statements, loan accounts and everything. Take full control of all money matters. One member at gam-anon suggested that I should get a "partition and exchange agreement" to secure my finances. I was a working full time and had a separate account. But I was still liable for his loans in that state. Gam-anon have helplines to answer your questions and give you suggestions. This may appear very selfish but it’s not. This will make sure that the gambler receives a clear message about your seriousness.
9. Learn to forgive and be thankful. Most of my relatives and friends never understood the seriousness of the situation. I learnt to forgive their ignorance and be thankful for their intentions.
10. Realize and accept the truth that you have limited control. You may do everything correct and gambler can continue. All you can do is to try as best as you can and as far as you can. If you believe it’s best to move out of this relation, please do.

 

He did gambled a few times after all this. But please remember all this happened in US where most if not all were traceable

 

He did gambled a few times after all this. But please remember all this happened in US where most if not all were traceable

 

Thanks for your kind words.

 

Yes they are applicable to Alcoholic. In fact for most kind of addictions.

Also I recently came across another important behavior of addicts. An addict will try to force/manipulate you into participating. My husband tried a lot to take me to casinos. They do that they can say it was fun you were there and you also enjoyed it. An alcoholic will say you are not fun since you don't drink. They are very persistent and they know what hurts you most.