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Deal with In-laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by srilak, Jun 9, 2007.

  1. srilak

    srilak Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I just like to know how to deal with inlaws specifically BIL.


    My bil lives with us and he basically controls some things. I never really understood his mentality. He influences on every specific thing in our life. My husbend loves him and he won't say single thing against him.

    He puts his hand on some personal things also like palnning kids. Once some topic came about kids and he immediately said why u have to hurry and just wait for 10 -12 years like that. I already waited 5years and here he makes such comments.

    He is a picky eater and whatever I make he says indirectly as we shoudn't eat more oil or more fat that means the food item is not good. I always somehow prepare which he likes and other one which my husbend likes.It is so difficult to make two different items for 3 people everyday.

    I don't know how I have to deal with this guy. He has been living with us for 2years and may be he is going to live for 2 more years untill he gets married.

    Please give me suggestions for:

    1)How to handle this kind of mentality person?

    2)How to lessen his interference in my personal things?

    3)Sometimes he gives advices to me. So How I can reduce his "Bashan"(Long advices) to me?

    Thank you.
     
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  2. Padmash

    Padmash Platinum IL'ite

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    hi Sri,

    i feel ur bil is too much interfering in ur personal life which noone can tolerate. eventhough ur husband loves him he should know his limits be a brother only not head of the family, he is afraid if u plan for child ur husbands attention will be more towards ur child and u. already its 5yrs of ur marriage, if u feel comfortable to plan for baby please go ahead dont delay. try to talk to ur husband regarding baby in absence of ur bil. y u talk in front of him. its very personal never ever talk in front of him. cooking we can't say anything u can keep in fridge whatever he likes and the way he likes and serve alternate time. first u talk to ur husband tell him its not fair from his brother side to interfere in personal matter, if ur husband says he can't do anything then u tell ur bil directly he shouldn't interfere so much. if he starts his bhashan u just tell him u have some other work to do. two three times u neglect him he will not dare to repeat if he have self respect. i have this type of sil she even controlled us to enter the bedroom but i told her in front of my husband she must rest in her room only, every sunday it was her routine whole day till 10pm she will be in our bedroom. sometimes u have to open ur mouth for ur rights dont be shy, ur husband must help u out. waiting for the good news.

    take care
    padma
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. Sriniketan

    Sriniketan IL Hall of Fame

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    I totally agree with Padma. She is right. In your case it is your bil but in my case it is my mil. I also had to face the same situation regarding the children and food (which is still there).
    The best thing to avoid this kind of person's advice is dont be in the same place when he is there. Secondly have a deaf ear to all his advice. If anybody feels that their advice is not being taken, they had to be quiet.
    Moreover don't talk personal issues in front of him. talk to your husband privately. 5 years, in my opinion is late. go ahead with that phase of your life which you will surely enjoy.
    Tell to your husband the way your bil talks, in such a way, that your husband don't misunderstand you but understands the situation. (you know i waited for 11 years to tell him but luckily, he by himself came to know about the situation going on in the house.) I dont think you have to wait for such a long period. I did not have IL on those days but you have now. You will get the help you want.
    I think, once your bil gets married, he will be alright.( Maybe that is the reason for his pestering attitude.) Marriage makes wonders, too.
    Hope to hear the good news from you
    Take care
    Sriniketan
     
  4. sunitha

    sunitha Gold IL'ite

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    Let's get one thing clear-it is your house and your family first.Your BIL has no right what-so-ever in this. How you cook your food,how you plan your family-I know you are 29 yrs old-you said that in some other post long back-Its high time your think of yourself and your family first.

    Ignore that BIL of yours-if it hurts his feelings-well and good-so be it!
     
  5. Anushiv

    Anushiv Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Sri,

    I Too agree with what ever the above IL had said...But I feel this is a very sensitive & delicate issue to handle.
    In dealing with such people...u need to be smart in all aspects.

    1.First thing is what ever u feel & like to do... U should be clear in ur mind! Be Strong in thinking.

    2.Secondly, Don't talk anything openly. what ever u want to do...Don't say but do the thing which is in ur mind.
    U may under go criticism...just neglect it !

    3.Third- U've to play tactfully in such way that u should get ur husband support first.
    For any married lady- husband support/ encouragement/ co-operation is a must...
    once u get his trust & confidence! Ur B-L will only be secondary.

    4. whatever it is.. in their personal relationship ( between brothers) don't interfere in between them.
    as u've mentioned they're close...give them their space/freedom and at the same time keep a watch.

    5- Don't oppose to whatever ur BL says...be'cos if u do so ur husband may not like it. then, he will start supporting him.

    6. Support ur B-L openly ( if u think he is right) especially, regarding food matters..do start to cook healthy food.
    ( I know...u may not like to listen to his suggestion or advice..but slowly u can see a change in ur husband...which is important)

    7. In order to get a full trust & confidence from husband -u need to Love him without any demand, understand him & respect his feelings.
    But don't give up ur self-respect.

    8.Deal the situation through ur mind & not ur heart. As ladies, we're more emotional, sensitive & sentimental. act according to ur mind.

    It's a slow process...but definitely it works.

    9. And remember these kind of family issues...will be there till the end of our life.How we act & react..matters.
    We're not Robinson Crusoe living in an island' we need people & we need their support.so, do things without hurting others.

    10. Lastly, It's really a high time...to have a child. start planning, talk to ur husband gently in private, coax him...bring out positive features.
    I'm sure he will melt!

    I recommend u this book ' Men are from Mars & women are from Venus'! this is damn good book...about men/women/relationship etc.

    cheers!
    Anu shiv

     
  6. srilak

    srilak Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Thanks for the valuable inputs.

    Anu, thanks for the book referal. I already put the book on hold in one of my library.

    Coming to my Bil, once I already gave him my piece of mind. Then he peacefully listened to me and he said he will lessen the interference in between us.

    But, he always has his hand in some spirutual things like how to do some poojas like his parents. He basically imitates them. So I follow some rituals and he impliments his parents rules without being concern me. He advices me on how to offer prayers or the method to follow. Some small basic ones. If I tell this small issues to someone they may laugh at me because those are silly.

    I feel I had enough of him. Atleast my inlaws should understand this and they should soon look a girl for gim to get married. Then only I will get my mental piece. He says after marriage also he likes to saty with us. He is not money mentality kind of person, even with his money only he bought all the land in India on his brother's name. Sometime I feel he is so kind but sometime I hate him bottom of my heart.

    May be I also changed the time being. I fed up with this guy. Now I just wanted him to go. He gives somuch value to family. He just like to live in a combined family but may be I am not ready for it.

    Thank you.
     
  7. Padmash

    Padmash Platinum IL'ite

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    hi Sri,

    when i saw ur new post then i revealed that ur bil is very sensitive and over caring person. it is very difficult to handle such person bcoz according to them and third person to whom u tell all these things nothing is wrong. but he is interfering ur privacy. when says for puja methods tell him do urself i will follow next, don't take any blames on u for such things. but when it comes for planning a baby be straight forward even if this matter is in front of him u seriously declare u want baby now after another 10-12 yrs u will be forty it is risky to plan a baby, u take ur husband in confidence at least for the first baby. i think when u will expect ur first baby ur husband will understand ur problem automatically and u will get a way to come out of this problem. next whoever elderly person in ur family like parents in law ask them to search a match for him if he is of marriageable age he must get married soon. ur bil is good but he is not understanding the meaning of privacy of husband and wife and a bit ur husband's mistake too. try somewhere God is there to see ur problem. take care

    padma
     
  8. corallux

    corallux Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Srilak,

    I can feel what you are undergoing....My Hubby's family was of the same type...until we moved to Melb & we met them once in 2-3 yrs..

    I would suggest you tread with caution-remember you are the Bahu of the house any adverse reaction will boomerang on you..

    I agree with the other ILites when they say 'Do not discuss anything personal in front of your BIL'-my remedy would be to ask your hubby to come out with you on an after dinner walk-make it clear to your BIL it is your time with hubby & he cannot join you on it....

    When it comes to cooking start to involve both brothers by asking them to help you in cutting/cleaning etc

    A word ogf caution-you hjave mentioned your BIL has purchased some property in your Hubby's name-Pls transfer the same your BIL's name-Reason being tomorrow it should not cause any legal problems after his marriage

    As for his Bhashan, very simple before he starts lecturing you-you start talking about something he cannot understand-Best punch line-'Oh I better start getting the meals ready.Can you help me?'-Se the fun then

    If nothing works, try "reverse Psycology"..trust me it works..start giving more importance to your BIL your hubby will feel ignored & wil start to take notice of his beautiful wife.

    Do let me know how you go..

    Till then,

    Chin up & smile,

    Good luck

    corallux


     
  9. sujathae

    sujathae Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Srilak, Since your b-in-law is younger to yr husband it will be easy to handle. Treat him like a small boy and u start advising him on everything. U even go to the extent of teasing him that how he would manage things if he gets married. U snub him indirectly and don't let him boss over u. make yr husband understand that he is too small to interfere in your family matters. Try to find a girl for him soon and let him get married at the earliest. Also try to shift your job (your husband's) so that u can stay away from him. Or try to find some other good opportunity for your b-in-law. Try to get away from him at the earliest. Definitely once his wife is there she would not like staying with u. So the problem will be solved. U don't speak anything bad abt him to your hubby but make him understand his brother's mistakes..

    Best wishes, Sujatha
     
  10. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Well here is my two cents..

    - you need to some how this guys out of ur house.. Now there are are many ways to do it.. Diplomace and tact are the best for this kind of relation. Just tell him plain and simple.. It such a golden time for him.. Bachelorhood. why is he wasting his time on married couple.. He shud go out with his frends and have fun. I am sure this may just get him thiking on different plain.

    - I very well know that you can never convince ur hubby to agree on this.. But u dont hv to pray for his marriage. I guess people shud stay seprarately.

    - You have to call his frends home.. and some how raise the topic of .. How happy and free they are living as bachelors...

    - Last and not the least .. Dont fall prey to these tactics. like he bought land under his bro's name.. I dont think he needs to do that.
     

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