Daughters of Narcissistic mothers

Veerah · Feb 18, 2016

Hi All,

As I was browsing articles on the internet I came across something on Narcissistic mothers, their behaviors, their treatment of their children etc. That is when it struck me. I found answers to so many unanswered questions.. how had I not known about this?

The narcissistic mother I am talking about is my grandmom. Embarrassed to even call her that or give her that status in my life.

For everyone who has not heard of this or dont know much about it... read on and everything I have described about my grandmom pretty much sums up behavior of narcissistic moms. Narcissistic moms have one scapegoat who they ill treat and usually have a golden child who they treat with utter love and shower their favoritism.
Mom grew up in a family of 3 daughters. Mom was the eldest. Mom was constantly talk down to, beaten up, scolded and not taken care of. Mom doesn't remember getting hugged, kissed or caressed by my grandmom ever not even when she was a baby. She has no memory of this at all . But she has memories of her dads hugs and love. Grandmom was jealous whenever mom got close to her dad. Grandmom had some serious love for her second child - the golden child. The golden child will get new clothes, praises, love, attention and the scapegoat (my beautiful mom) will get scoldings, old torn clothes and beatings. So much beatings that even the second child was encouraged to join in. When the second child will pull moms long hair , she was urged 'pull more, hurt her, let her cry'. Though grandad was not bad when mom was young as years passed he succumbed to his wife's pressures and started ill treating mom too. Mom studied well, was smart beautiful, the second child was constantly failing in class, stubborn n socially unmanageable. But at home mom was useless, stupid, not goodlooking etc. Mom was sent to school in torn clothes (my grandparents were very well to do), she went to school in her dad's old shirt and torn pavadai(skirt). The golden child got brand new salwar kameez's, dresses etc. When relatives and neighours would comment how my mom was ill treated, my grandmom would ignore them or stop talking to them. Mom was ill treated in front of her friends and schoolmates to an extent where her best friend still remembers (20 yrs later) how poorly my mom was treated at home. When mom got married, they (grandmom n granddad) would poison mom about dad. They would say bad things about dad n his parents so mom dislikes them. They wanted mom to be always dependent on them. Initially mom believed them n hated dads family and seperated for a bit. During the separation she realized their true intentions ( she was highly mistreated, verbally abused while staying with her parents) It was the case of frog in a vessel jumping into fire because it thought the vessel was hot. She moved back with dad started fresh and worked out her issues. I came into the picture and no I wasnt ill treated. But growing up I would always wonder( as a 5 year old) why my grandmom doesn't love me.
When mom n dad did well and became successfull, my grandmom was jealous and would spew hurtful words. When mom lived a better life than the golden child, they would backbite mom, say hurtful things, make faces or giggle behind mom's back ( I have been a witness to this too). One day when they were over, some silly argument turned big and they decided to walk out of our house. They stormed out. Mom overcome with pain over words spewed and false allegations made, refused to call them. Guess what, its been 20 years, my grandmom never called or msged or visited... nothing. Granddad visited us once in these years spoke normal, spent time with us etc. Thats it.

Sometimes I'd sit back and wonder how can a mom not care about her daughter. How can a mom not even make a move to call or get back in touch. How ? I can never heard of mom like this.

My research on narcissistic mothers, tells me that the best way to move forward to recovery to keep no contact with the narcissistic. As no contact will give time to heal, and move and live a new life. I was happy to read this as the no contact we have had with the narcissistic in our life has done us so much good.

I called mom told her about my research and this new word 'narcissistic mother', told her the signs, their behaviors, told her other people's testimonials on online sites etc. the first thing mom said was...'Wow so I am not the only one?'. All my life, I felt mom's unspoken question..'why only me? why doesnt my mom love?' Was I adopted?' Why only me?. Yesterday I called her and gave her the answers. Because she is the daughter of a narcissistic mother.

Good news? The chain of narcissism stopped with my grandmom. My mom is a wonderful mother. The best mother God could have given me. Shes my best friend and my greatest asset. She has a wonderful husband and lives and happy life. I read somewhere that the scapegoat end up doing better than the golden child. In moms case its true.

Im not new to this site but I created an account to type this. The reason? Just telling my mom that there are others like her, others who have experienced similar treatments like her from their mothers gave her so much relief in a way. She could relate to everything I found on the internet on this topic, she got so many answers. I wanted to share this so anyone out there so any daughters of narcissistic mothers can know they are not alone. There are many like this.

I urge you guys with similar experiences to pour your heart out here. Sometimes being heard and being understood helps so much. Maybe I will show your posts to my mom and show her how you can are managing, how you came out of it or how you are dealing with this.

Sorry for the long post. Thankyou for reading.

shobhamma · Feb 18, 2016

Bless you Girl. You are an excellent caring daughter. Bless your mom too. May her wounds heal well with your affection.

NeetaR · Feb 18, 2016

This is just so sad....Great to note that your mum is a wonderful person and you
are a gift to your mum....May God heal your deep inner wounds and find peace
and strength always in all situations.

preetinh · Feb 18, 2016

Dear Veerah,

Thanks for sharing. You and your Mom are courageous. Time is the greatest healer.
Scars take time to fade away. With love and support system, one can come out of any pain and sorrow. Give time to oneself and have faith.

I and my lovely daughter (were scapegoats), have also gone through the grind and struggles, pain from my own family . After my life fell apart, Living with parents was the only option. But day by day we were broken (jealous younger sister-my father's golden child) from within. In a few lines one cannot sum up a dreaded life.

Sometime ago we started staying separately. We have regained our confidence and started living, leaving behind the bygones / past.

May God give all of us the courage and will power to rise above all the sorrow.

Thanks once again.
Regards,
Preeti

Veerah · Feb 19, 2016

Thanks Shobamma & NeetaR

Thanks for sharing your experiences Preeti. Glad you guys are living away from them now and started a new life. Hope your wounds heal soon and well. I wish you the best in everything.

maya9876 · Feb 19, 2016

Veerah,

I have tears running down my cheek reading your post. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Glad to see your mom came out strong, she must be an iron woman for raising a strong lovely daughter like you.

Reading your post made me realise something ...My aunt (distant relative) is a narcissistic mom. She treats her son so poorly, always subjecting him to heavy beatings, punishments etc. Everyone has noticed it and comments on it but shes got a sharp tongue so people fear her. People in the family don't like her either as shes always bad mouthing, criticizing and envious. The worst is her treatment of her son. Hes a handsome little boy who is obedient and smart and yet he is ridiculed in front of everyone for the smallest mistake. She keeps publicly referring to his bed wetting and how she suffered!! His grandparents try to take him away for vacations etc and they treat him like how a kid should be treated. Even the grandparents openly admit how badly the mom treats her son but no one can anything as she is really big mouthed. We all thought shes bi polar or something but everything you have said about your grandmom seems to align with her. Her hubby is nice to the boy but hes a business man and always travelling. So cant help him much. Infact we have heard the hubby n wife fight all the time over this topic. He wants her to stop being so harsh on the little one but she wont listen. If the boy doesnt study well she makes him sleep outside in the corridor without food or water until early morning. One day some neighbor saw this and scolded her. So apparently now she makes him sleep in the stairs(inside) without anything to cover himself with when she gets mad. He is only 11 or 12. I am sad for this little boy. Hope he can survive and come out of it strong like your mom.
I dont know how I will be able to help him, its not like I can send him online links etc on this matter as hes too young for that. Hope he survives another few years and then he will be mature enough to understand and make his own path (hopefully).
I am going to give him the biggest hug when I see him next.

SGBV · Feb 19, 2016

Oh.. Is this the word to group such moms.

I am yet to see a mom like this of our age group though. But I have seen at least 3-4 moms of my mom's age group and older. Who were seriously favoring one child, and ill-treating the other.

Most of the times the older child is the scapegoat. The second or the second in that gender (the second girl/second boy) will be the golden child. In my experience, there were dad's who discriminated their younger sons badly, and mom's did the same to their elder DDs.
The middle ones were always safe.

I remember one aunt - who was the scapegoat. She was not allowed to do anything in her life as she wished. She is of my mom's age though.
She was forced to drop out from the School at the age of 16, forced to cook and do all the chores like a maid at her own home.
She also looked like a maid only.
But her sister was treated like a queen. It was a Dr's family, and the queen was already called as Dr amma even before she entered college. Because she would wear her dad's white coat and roam at their private dispensary like a Dr. Also looked fresh, polished and almost like a young Dr only.
The scapegoat had a secret love affair to their neighbor and one day eloped. They lived very happily with 4 kids.
The queen did not become a Dr, but married to a Dr. Sadly her life wasn't great as the elder one.
However, the saga repeated with the elder one's kids. She treated everyone equally though. But unexpectedly her elder DD eloped with a very poor and uneducated boy at the very young age (may be 17). Since then parents stopped caring for her.
Their other children are educated and married to good families. But this elder one is still suffering like a slum woman.

Same story in another family also. This family is sadly related to me. My elder maternal uncle's wife was that scapegoat in her family. Her mom favored her second DD over elder one, because elder one (my aunt) looked dark.
The favoritism was there until her marriage, but it became extreme after her marriage. She wasn't even considered a family member by them after her marriage.
She has lost complete touch with her parents and siblings after that. But she turned out to be a great mom, and even a great aunt for all of her nieces and nephews too.

My second maternal uncle's wife was that golden child. She was the second DD. Her elder sis (just 1 yr older than her) was that scapegoat. She was made to work like a maid, and ill-treated. Again, my aunt looked like a movie star. Stylish, beautiful and soft. The other aunt looked exactly like a village maid. Can't compare both of them.
But sadly my aunt's marriage with her H (uncle) wasn't great. It was on a roller coaster all the time.
She has lost all her beauty and charm in that marriage.
Whereas that scapegoat aunt became a teacher, and got married to a nice businessman. She still look like a stern teacher though. But became stylish, up-to-date with the modern life and what not. She even looks younger to my aunt.

But these stories are of older people, and I am yet to see any narcissist mom or scapegoat kids of my age or younger.
But yes, there are a few golden kids here and there, and they end up being spoiled kids later on.

maya9876 · Feb 19, 2016

Wow I have heard of parental favoritism. But this is extreme. And yes it seems to be the eldest child most of the times.

Veerah · Feb 22, 2016

Hi Maya9876

Thanks for your post. Sad to hear about your lil cousin. Hope his relatives and grandparents can provide him a good support up until he grows up atleast. Once he hits a certain age he will be able to make sense of things and deal with things better. These days we have science and awareness easily accessible and everyone knows the reasons, signs, how to handle these people etc. Hope things work out for him..

Veerah · Feb 22, 2016

Hi @sgbv

Wow seems like you have seen a lot of moms like this. Thanks for sharing these stories... Hope people who are affected by NMs and going through similar experiences in their life read these stories and know there are not alone.