Daughter's Duty.

Dear Punitha,
Time has changed a lot. Nowadays girls or boys both are equal.So girls also hve the right to take care of the parents. In your case it is just a gift. By gifting, just you are going to show them your happiness. Whatever your husband earns, that is your money too. Even if you dont earn, you can gift your parents.

Tell me one thing. Do you have any SIL? Doesnt she show affection towards her brother or parents?

You go ahead in gifting your parents. But my suggestion is don't give the gifts without the knowledge of your DH. Make your husband understand your feelings. I think he'll surely realize and enjoy sharing the happiness with you.

Lakshmi.

 

Hi All,

I am happy to find a forum that lets Indian women have a say about so many relevant issues.
Hi Puni,
What you have raised is something that happens in many houses but something all women have to keep quiet about for fear of a Mahabharatha in the family,because there is no way a man who thinks like this is going to accept he is wrong, there is no way he is ever going to see your point of view. It is in their blood and their upbringing, so nobody can change their thinking for them.

My husband won the hearts of everybody in my family from day one, even my uncles and aunts and cousins, to the extent that they all treat him as a member of the family even more than my own two brothers, only because he shows them all so much love and concern and treats them like his own family. I have always been a housewife and have not contributed a single paisa but he values my love and work so much that he accepts my advice even with regard to his sisters and brothers and so do they all. I have complete freedom to buy gifts or spend on family occasions for my family, in fact he is eve more generous towards my parents and others than me, because I exercise some control as I might feel a little guilty as I am not earning anything. We are in our fifties now, I may tell you , and money has always been tight for us as we had a lot of obligations.

Now the son-in-law I have mentioned in my other less happy posts is from a rich family and even though my daughter was bringing in a lot of money through her job, she was never allowed to give either of us or her younger siblings any gifts at all. He would keep sending his family a lot of money though they were rich enough and his mother was happy enough to accept jewellery as a gift from my daughter who gifted me an item of lesser value at the same time -her first and only gift to me -out of her first salary after marriage! She was pretty upset about it but we told her not to feel bad about it. The point is not about gifting but the attitude that a girl - equally educated and working as well - has to hand over her earnings to the husband. My son-in-law even interrogated her about her earnings prior to her marriage and told her she shouldn't have spent a matter of one lakh out of her income to help us with the expenses, as it is the duty of the girl's father to spend on his daughter's education (in the IIM, no less) and on her wedding. He even wondered why she took a a loan to fund part of her IIM fees( we had paid the rest of it ). He never tired of telling us that his father had not always been well-to-do, this when between them they are extremely rich now. The son-in-law himself is a crorepati -- in any case, he would never gift her anything that was not really cheap - all the good gifts were for his mother and his father and brother .He made my daughter put all her money in a joint account from which he would transfer the money to his single account without her knowledge and she had no access even to the joint accounts because he would keep the pin no. a secret.
He even got her to transfer a few thousands from her pre-marriage earnings to his account and tried to get her insurance policy transferred abroad though it was we who had been keeping up the payments on it - a couple of lakhs ! He accepted all the gifts we were giving him happily and on one visit he was generous enough to gift us a small sweet packet and a tourist memento of £ 10 or less ! We thanked him profusely !!On the same occasion, though my daughter and we gave him a couple of expensive shirts and a gold item for his birthday, he told her he was not giving her anything for her birthday, as the top she had got for herself very cheaply at a sale days before, was her
gift .This in front of us,imagine. Throughout their marriage, we were constantly having to spend on them, even on the sambhandhi , who would demand the office car wherever he went in India and guest house facilities from my husband, though he was collecting it all from his clients in any case and even otherwise could afford to pay for it. We have never spent a night under their roof, never had a meal in their house as guests -- they have been our guests and taken good care of . When in India, our son-in-law has never paid for even a coffee for our family, but of course we took him out to dinner each time. No wonder they are rich and we are poor !!
They are only two sons whereas we have another daughter and a son, both studying and we are strictly middle-class salaried people with nothing to fall back upon. The amount of money they forced us to spend on the wedding was a crying shame. The mother got us to get the wedding hall repainted and a concrete floor laid outside the hall, so that the" kolam would look nice on the wedding day." The mother is a B. A. who teaches nursery class to " pass the time" and she told her son that my daughter who is a merit student -- a commerce graduate from a top Mumbai college and an alumnus of the IIM - that " she didn't seem to know anything about finance" !!!
Sorry this post seemed to wander into other realms, but if a boy has been brought up by such a mother and worships his mother, what else can you expect?

My advice is don't try to convert your husband, it is not going to work and will leave you frustrated. Just keep a separate account for yourself apart from a joint account for your common expenses and savings. The money you put into this account should be yours to use as you see fit and you shouldn't have to explain it to anybody. You shouldn't hide this account but assert your right to spend part of your earnings any way you choose to. after all you are earning for both of you, not just for him. He doesn't ask your permission when e spends his money, does he ?

 

Dear Sugeetha,

Your post made me happy and extremely sad (and angry) both at the same time.

Happy, of course, to read about your husband. Very difficult to find such admirable examples like him. Even in the so-called modern and young generation that I belong to, most men would not measure up to the lofty standards set by your husband.

As for your daughter’s story, I am extremely upset and sad to read it. Your pain about the situation is visible from your post. I can only imagine the pain your daughter too must be undergoing every minute of the day. Your son-in-law’s attitude is shameful, to say the least. I totally understand that thinking such as this is hard to change. However, it makes me extremely upset that one has to accept a grossly unfair situation like this just because people are not willing to change and have mastered the art of “leeching” on to other’s hard work.

Being much younger in age and experience, I think I am fairly inadequate to suggest a remedy or at least some sort of correction to your daughter’s situation. But I do strongly feel that things need to change for you and your daughter. I cannot imagine your daughter being able to live happily lifelong in a situation like this. Being a daughter myself, I don’t think any parent or daughter (or even a son for that matter) should have to rescind to a fate that demands lifelong adjustment and acceptance of such unjust behavior.

I can only say this, that in most situations it is left for the suffering party to do something to help themselves. People like your son-in-law who are parasites will remain so because it benefits them tremendously.

Warm regards,
SS

PS: Puni, apologize for using your thread to reply to Sugeetha.

 

Dear Sugeetha,

I just happened to chance upon an earlier post by you in the other forum about your daughter moving away from her husband and you being her rock in the decision. In which case, my above reply to you is really irrelevant. Please disregard it.

Your daughter is lucky to have wonderful parents like you who are her pillar of strength. I am happy that you shared your bad experience and your actions both, so other people in a similar situation can read about a good example to follow.

I wish you and your daughter the very best for a happy outcome.

Warm regards.
SS

 

same here even my husband thinks like that. sometimes i tell him why is it not my duty to help my parents during their need. he doesnt denies. he is like ok yes u should. we will when required. but fact is ur parents themselves would not want to take help from u . like in our customs it is daughters never give they only take ... holy crap !!!!

 

puni
i really would like to hit hard on that 'somebody' who brought the notion to us that daughters should forget their parents once they r married. Is it because that person was screwed loose that she or he brought the notion?My guess is that it is only a "she" that too with no MIL and must have been the person wearing 'pants' in the house.We are striving hard to keep up with the ever changing world but not doing enough in these matters most important to us.The irony is we talk about the so called 'change' all the time.This will change only if the girls do what is good and appropriate to the situation by themselves.

 

Shobhana, our entire Hindu society is modelled according to the patriarchal pattern put forth by Manu. So what can we expect? I hope he has been born a female in every life after that lifetime as Manu and hope he continues to be born female for the rest of eternity.

 

Isnt this thread v old.