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Daughter Wants To Get Married

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by indubalram, Feb 29, 2020.

  1. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    There is no way I’m paying college fees for 24 year old . If she wants to adapt to American culture better she fend for herself . Why not work part time or student loan ? What is her major in grad program ? I thought most of kids do some part time work at that age .
     
    Agathinai, sbonigala and SinghManisha like this.
  2. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Than worrying about her boy friend's 401K.
     
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Age difference doesn't matter, but if he is more than 2-3 years older than her, in such a scenario, I'd worry a bit. I can't define it but something about "he takes care" would bother me.
     
  4. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    What I learned myself about this situation.
    1. I like that daughter telling mom about moving in.
    2. If I were in this situation, would be okay with it because she is an adult and I do not want to interfere in whatever decision she takes, but will let her know my thoughts about her boyfriend. It is her life and OP can only guide her to better choices, DD will be the one who is impacted by her decisions first hand.
    3. Even if they get engaged, sometimes, engagements are broken and weddings are called off in the last minute. Until for sure it has happened, keep the wedding far from the picture and deal with the live in situation only. all we can do is to keep the mind and doors open for good communication with DD. After all she is your kid and you would want to be there for her if she needs you.
    4. I would definitely ask about birthcontrol, this is very important.
    5. About finances - she is moving in with BF, I would continue paying her fees, if I have agreed with her previously that I will fund her grad studies. Just because she decides to live with BF, OP shouldn't back out from that sponsorship. If Op helps her a lot with her living expenses and such, it is good to have a clear conversation on DD's financial situation and back up plan.
     
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  5. mindwar

    mindwar Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi op,

    I bumped into this video in YouTube. Hope it eases your tension.

     
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  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes she is 24 but why does that mean that parents should not do due diligence - meet the guy, check his background etc? These are common things every parent does, and esp when daughter wants to do court marriage and threatening to run away, which is worrisome, in of itself, why should the parents step back completely? I do think Indu and her husband should do what they can, not necessarily in a heavy handed forbidding kind of way but in whatever way possible they should do what they can to make sure she is not making a mistake.
    Ya one would think she is 24 and knows all about birth control etc but she's still young enough that she requires the reminder. Personally I have come across kids that age who have needed that reminder, who strangely felt immune from these sorts of things, and thought 'that kind' of thing could never happen to them. I have attended a couple of weddings of that generation recently, rushed weddings solely to give the coming baby a name and the couples in question did NOT appear to enjoy that process at ALL. Marriage to give the child a name is much different from marrying to spend your life with another person. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2020
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  7. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Only because of mom - "our culture doesn’t allow such relationships". After making sure she is not making a mistake, the next they will have to make sure when she should have a child? or how many children she should have? There was an Indian mother who showed up on a date and humiliated their daughter. The parent could not understand what was wrong with that.
     
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  8. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    This "I can't define it, but would bother me" feeling would also creep into living together in a legal marriage, especially when one spouse is a "good provider": This is often the subject of posts on the Relationship-Married-Life subforum.
    IMO, this who-pays-for-most, whether or not there is a legal marriage, or what is the age difference of the living together'eds, is six of one, and half a dozen of the other.
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2020
  9. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    :frown::frown:Hahaha... living together under chaperon, and a "happy" ending!! Just so desi !:banana:

    Anyhow... there is bound to be a youtube video somewhere in which the living together couple didn't have a parental chaperon, and the liaison breaks up in a reasonable time, with or without heartaches on one or both sides, and then everybody goes on to live in whatever manner, truly thankful that they didn't have to involve courts, lawyers, and irrelevant relatives.

    Living together and eventually not getting married isn't a tragedy.
     
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  10. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    I believe the OP mentioned that she has met the boyfriend and seems to be a good guy. If the couple is serious, and are even considering a court marriage, I would think that the daughter has already met the boyfriend's family and vice versa. I don't believe she has threatened to run away (did I miss something?). And I don't think a 24 year old can run away... they are already grown.
    Also, from an earlier thread, OP has vented that her daughter does not respect her and is overly spoiled by the father - who choses to pay for daughter's post-grad education. This makes me think that they have a shaky relationship, and OP would not be taken seriously if she tries to broach on having a wedding or using birth control. It might even create a worse chasm between mother and daughter. If all is good, then an open conversation about birth control is quite useful. After all, I asked my mom about her own experiences with birth control, before I decided on what I would choose.
    At 24, the daughter is an adult, and should make her own mistakes. And she can deal with her consequences. As a parent, OP's job to raise her daughter is done. Now, all she is supposed to do is let go, and play a more background, supportive role - however hard it may be.
     

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