Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by indubalram, Feb 29, 2020.
Living in is not our culture; so was dating.
Marrying to live together is going in the wrong direction. Live together and make sure that you want to marry that person and save yourself all the heartache/unhappiness.
It is the unwillingness to change is what we see in all the ILs problems.
When You Change, The World Around You Also Changes; so does the culture.
Changing and adapting leads to happier lives for all.
At 24, having been brought up in America, I feel like she’s being really reasonable in even asking you. Don’t complicate things by adding in a marriage. If things don’t go well, a divorce is so much more painful and involved than a break up. Also, don’t make her regret telling you this. If she stops telling you such things in the future, it will be such a let down.
Let her live with the man and let them get to know each other. Marriage can happen in due time. I would be happy if my 24 yrs old asked me at all.
Btw, why are you paying for a 24 yrs old? Doesn’t she have an undergrad. Can’t she pay for her own grad school by working? Those are the things I would be looking into if it were my 24 yrs old.
I have slightly old fashioned take on this. While I do agree with all the other aspects touched upon by the other posters which are valid for both the guy and girl. Yes she is being responsible by doing this at age 24 instead of 16. BUT... have you asked her about her feelings for this guy? Is she planning to marry him? If she is and very sure she is going to spend rest of life with him and it is only a matter of time then allow it. Most of the cases I know of where this happened they went on to marry and are all now married. Problem comes if she is not sure. See Indu women get enmeshed and invested more emotionally in these things than men. Plus if you are opening door to live in you are opening door to anything really - possible pregnancy before marriage, a really bad breakup which she will take years to recover etc. just pointing out negatives as valid as the positive which is they went on to marry and live happily ever after.
Thing with first love and first relationship is that we give our whole heart and soul and innocence and hope and idealism into it and if it breaks it shatters badly and can’t put back easily.
You should definitely instruct daughter clearly about using BC. Is she ready to put all aside if life chooses to bless her? You and your husband should meet this guy, speak to him clearly about his intentions. And if he wants to marry her then set a date and finalize it. ‘If it is inevitable, and both parties are willing then why wait?’ Sometimes these young people require a firm push because they don’t know how to insist on it themselves. Maybe he said let’s do it and she said ok, and these things remained unsaid. He thought cool she’s ok with it and she thought oh he’s serious but unable to say so and there is a clear discussion missing there. As a mother you have to bring up some of these unpleasant topics and insist on them being discussed. A clear discussion about what is going what is in their minds and where this is headed will clarify everyone’s thinking.
Can't assure that even with arranged marriage
Um... very valid points. But she is 24. That makes her an adult even if she isn’t earning yet. Sure, an awkward birth control might be a good way to keep Op and daughter on the same page... but knowing the type of exposure we get, she probably knows this and has already talked to her PCP. Bad breakup? Seriously? Isn’t that the risk with any relationship?
In absolutely no terms would I push anyone to get married before they are ready. The major problems is family and finance related. Once she is married, pressure about having a baby can happen even if she isn’t fully employed yet. Marriage manages to tie finances legally and if any thing happens and they break up, it’s a real pain to deal with.
I wrote in hurry and the post did not come across right.
Even though we do not like it in our culture. And a live-in relationship, was not heard of a lot in Indian community- decade back, it is very much a fact of life.
Cohabiting is common in young adults, who are raised here. I have heard of it in India too, but there it is more covertly- they still have their own place, but spend entire time at each other's place.
One of my ex-coworkers daughters are in live in relationships with their boyfriends. She does not try to hide or say weirdly about it. On friend's first daughter is married to American boyfriend and has a son. Her mother did not talk much about it, but she must have lived in too.
IMO Living together, is okay.
But for me the discussion topic is more of the 'pricey wedding'. I am very passionate about not wasting money of big weddings, where most friends invited are friends of parents and not of the bride/groom. It is a show off, imo and waste of time and energy.
But still, many people love weddings. If your daughter wants a court marriage, let her decide, when time comes. And there is nothing wrong with saving money and spending towards house-downpayment.
I grew up in Delhi before moving to the US for grad school. It might not be what a lot of people like to hear, but a lot of my peers are/were sexually active in their relationships, whether those led to marriage or not. And I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. From what I've heard it isn't that uncommon in Bangalore or Mumbai or Delhi these days. So I'm not really sure about if our culture really doesn't allow for live-ins. Culture isn't a static or monolithic entity.
In fact after a cousin had a pretty bad divorce in India, his very traditional, religious mom said - I wish I had encouraged him to date more. Maybe if they had spent some time live together before getting married, all of this could have been avoided.
I would appreciate the daughter for being able to choose and decide for herself. Being able to make a choice is a very important part of one's individuality. I would encourage her more to be more independent on the financial front. It would be very good if she can focus on paying all or at least most of her expenses from her own pocket. Relationship with the chosen man can turn out great at same time there are chances that it might not go as expected, but that's ok, it's all part of the process. She is 24 I would tell her that the doors of my heart and house are always open for her.