Could Have Been Special

needawayout · Aug 20, 2022

That was 1998, B.Sc second year.

I realized I got my lowest marks in Physics. I brought it up with my teacher. She was happy with what I got.
I got an 82 and she thought that was good. The rest is just chance. Sometimes you get , sometimes you dont. But as long as you have the knowledge, I should be fine. Looking back, I think she was right. She was a true teacher. I was the brat. I was an idiot. I didnt believe in her theory. Why would she think 82 was all that I deserve? Was she undermining my talent and capabilities. How dare she? She should encourage me to get more marks and not be content that I cannot get any better. My mind wandered off for a second. She smiled in that friendly way and asked if she wanted to come to the library with her. I said I had class and will see her later. And I left.

I went home to my mum and told her the discussion. She agreed with the teacher. In fact mum also thought I was stressing out too much and the marks I got were good. She said I can work on it if I wanted to but the marks were really fine. What was I even thinking? It is not a y/n or a multiple choice question to get 100%. All this was for about 6-8 more marks. And it is not even some fancy entrance test. It was B.Sc for heaven's sake.

I asked around and found a tuition teacher who taught just physics. I enrolled in a batch of about 40 students. Seemed fine. My time did not seem wasted, but I thought I knew all the answers already. I decided to continue for a few months.

One such evening, I was walking to the tuition with a book and a pen in my hand. With my big glasses. Walking and looking through all the shoppers around. Such a busy place it was. Moreoever , it was festival time. Almost all shops had some discounts. People carrying around heavy bags. The Jewellery shops were fullll. The steel utensils shop was so full. Suddenly, from all the chaos, I heard someone call out my name. I turned around and saw my teacher. She introduced me to her friend. THey both were carrying so many bags. So many colors of bangles. She asked what i shopped for and noticed I had only a pen and a book in my hand. She set her bags down and took my book. She saw all the physics topics. Her experssion suddenly changed. She asked me point blank if I was attending any physics tuition.I lied. I said no, I was going for a combined study. She asked with whom. I said some name. She didnt believe it. I knew she didnt. The teacher who was taking tuitions is a really old man. He might have taught her too.
He seems to have kept in touch with her. I might have supposed to be her when she grows into her teacher.
She just didnt look into my eyes anymore. She said that I should study with my friend and left.
We met in the college the next day. I said hello and the regular "lovely sari" but she smiled and left. No "thank you, you should try wearing a sari soemtime" or "lets go to the library" or no fun banter.

That year, I did score 90. But I lost a great friend. I dont know what the moral of the story is. But I wish I didnt take those extra tuitions.I wish I didnt hurt my teacher. I wish we ended the college with a friend in a teacher.
What could I done differently, I dont know.

Rihana · Aug 21, 2022

@needawayout, very nicely narrated. Human fallibility, the fragility of our emotions, and how some incidents remain in our mind years later.

I don't want to go too deep into the obvious comment: the teacher should not have discouraged a student who wanted to do better.

I have experienced something like this a few times.

If a friend asks for advice about something, and I come to know they also asked others, or if I learn that they didn't follow my advice, then I make a mental note not to be so eager to help them the next time.

And, conversely, if I take advice from someone but do something different, I sometimes go out of my way to hide that from them. If I cannot hide it, I use an excuse like, "oh my husband insisted we should use that brand/ contractor, you know how men can be ..."

needawayout · Aug 21, 2022

Rihana said: ↑

@needawayout, very nicely narrated. Human fallibility, the fragility of our emotions, and how some incidents remain in our mind years later.

I don't want to go too deep into the obvious comment: the teacher should not have discouraged a student who wanted to do better.

I have experienced something like this a few times.

If a friend asks for advice about something, and I come to know they also asked others, or if I learn that they didn't follow my advice, then I make a mental note not to be so eager to help them the next time.

And, conversely, if I take advice from someone but do something different, I sometimes go out of my way to hide that from them. If I cannot hide it, I use an excuse like, "oh my husband insisted we should use that brand/ contractor, you know how men can be ..."
Click to expand...

Thank you. I tried to write something and somehow it turned into narrating my own experience.
Well, she was a good woman and I was more than a student to her.
Karma is a bithc right. That moment of hurt that I gave her, I got it back way too many times in life after that. That moment of betrayal, or whatever its called.
BUt I was young too & naive!..
I dont kno I just keep going back & forth on it.

Thank you for reading

Thyagarajan · Aug 21, 2022

Super narration about soft remarks of lady professor in physics in college some decades back but then i was contemplating what made you to think about it now. Is it that now only you could realise that marks nothing outside the college campus.

But your feeling and demeanour vis a vis age shows the maturity if mind. There is nothing slipshod or slovenly about it.

When my daughter felt she ought to have got around ninety whereas her final Degree mark sheet showed it only 66% she moved heaven & earth in that Chennai summer of 2002 made me scoot her to university moving from pillar to post , apply for re evaluation paying some ₹ hundred as fees.

After a fortnight she was issued with fresh Mark sheet in lieu of old one and reevaluation resulted in rewarding her around eighty% in that particular subject. This revised mark list was collected by the college authorities affiliated to Madras university while admitting her to MBA course.

She completed MBA IN 2004 and she could never find time to collect this mark sheet back from the college till today. When she was discussing how her
mother, brother & I toiled for her education, she now a home-maker felt sorry about that revaluation which has no meaning now.

This shows with passage of time past incidents acquire new meaning(s).

When first year of graduation - quarterly exam answer-books in subject “Light” of entire class distributed except mine sitting in the last bench, professor Sankaran was holding my paper announced thus: “ only one in the class wrote maximum number of pages in this exam and got least marks” and called me to receive the corrected answer book. I said in a huff of “what use it would be?”
The entire class laughed and went gaga.
But then this incident negatively motivated and in my final degree not only i secured first class but scored highest marks in LIGHT.

But in another subject my corrected answer book was not handed over to me when all others’ were distributed in the class. Maths professor Ayyaswami instructed me to come to his chamber after the class and this was taken be the class as some kind of punishment or admonition awaits me.

After the class was over, Nervously i entered his chamber knocking gently on the wooden partition. I heard prof. Response. “Yes yes come in”
With a broad smile on his countenance, he said “you had forgotten for a moment the log of only products is equal to sum of log of individuals. Log AB = LOG A + LOG B . x^y + y^x =constant can not be y logx + x log y = log constant. You last four marks “

He handed over to me the folded answer book with marks total out of 100 in red ink visible - a 96.

Mind evaluated the professors physics vs maths.
Thanks and Regards.

needawayout · Aug 21, 2022

Thyagarajan said: ↑

Super narration about soft remarks of lady professor in physics in college some decades back but then i was contemplating what made you to think about it now. Is it that now only you could realise that marks nothing outside the college campus.

But your feeling and demeanour vis a vis age shows the maturity if mind. There is nothing slipshod or slovenly about it.

When my daughter felt she ought to have got around ninety whereas her final Degree mark sheet showed it only 66% she moved heaven & earth in that Chennai summer of 2002 made me scoot her to university moving from pillar to post , apply for re evaluation paying some ₹ hundred as fees.

After a fortnight she was issued with fresh Mark sheet in lieu of old one and reevaluation resulted in rewarding her around eighty% in that particular subject. This revised mark list was collected by the college authorities affiliated to Madras university while admitting her to MBA course.

She completed MBA IN 2004 and she could never find time to collect this mark sheet back from the college till today. When she was discussing how her
mother, brother & I toiled for her education, she now a home-maker felt sorry about that revaluation which has no meaning now.

This shows with passage of time past incidents acquire new meaning(s).

When first year of graduation - quarterly exam answer-books in subject “Light” of entire class distributed except mine sitting in the last bench, professor Sankaran was holding my paper announced thus: “ only one in the class wrote maximum number of pages in this exam and got least marks” and called me to receive the corrected answer book. I said in a huff of “what use it would be?”
The entire class laughed and went gaga.
But then this incident negatively motivated and in my final degree not only i secured first class but scored highest marks in LIGHT.

But in another subject my corrected answer book was not handed over to me when all others’ were distributed in the class. Maths professor Ayyaswami instructed me to come to his chamber after the class and this was taken be the class as some kind of punishment or admonition awaits me.

After the class was over, Nervously i entered his chamber knocking gently on the wooden partition. I heard prof. Response. “Yes yes come in”
With a broad smile on his countenance, he said “you had forgotten for a moment the log of only products is equal to sum of log of individuals. Log AB = LOG A + LOG B . x^y + y^x =constant can not be y logx + x log y = log constant. You last four marks “

He handed over to me the folded answer book with marks total out of 100 in red ink visible - a 96.

Mind evaluated the professors physics vs maths.
Thanks and Regards.
Click to expand...

Thank you. I think my teacher was my well wisher too. She was thinking beyond marks which is an admirable quality , specially in this time when we just run around marks and not really knowledge.

What made me think about it.. well my aunt works there now and I was hoping to give her a ride. And thus the conversation started. Evidently, my teacher is retired now.

Srama · Aug 21, 2022

Dear @needawayout ,

sometimes teachers assume that they have taken a student under their wings and wish to impact and make a difference. Perhaps your teacher felt that way too about you - she must have felt hurt or may be it was her ego. This has happened so long ago and I certainly think you should not be carrying it for this long in your life. While karma, payback and all that works, I do personally feel it is time you to let go and take charge.

needawayout said: ↑

7
I wish we ended the college with a friend in a teacher.
What could I done differently, I dont know.
Click to expand...

You can certainly do something different now - first accept it is what it is and second, if you can and have not, do reach out to that teacher, enquire about her and update her about yourself. Many a teacher even if they don't remember a student are always happy to hear from their students. I am a teacher and I value it and I do reach out to my teachers often and I know they love it ( I also wrote a snippet right here in IL after finding me Sanskrit teacher after some 30/35 years).

And dear girl, as young people we look up to teachers but as an adult you can now understand that teachers are also human! I love super hero shows and the recent quote that finally made sense to me is "Pain is inevitable, suffering is not!" even though I have heard it all my life. Teachers make a world of difference - good and bad but you know what, we can also make a world of difference to ourselves.

PS: I have made an assumption here that you have not tried to reach out to her. if you have and she has refused to let go, it certainly is your turn to let go of that relationship and incident.

needawayout · Aug 21, 2022

Srama said: ↑

Dear @needawayout ,

sometimes teachers assume that they have taken a student under their wings and wish to impact and make a difference. Perhaps your teacher felt that way too about you - she must have felt hurt or may be it was her ego. This has happened so long ago and I certainly think you should not be carrying it for this long in your life. While karma, payback and all that works, I do personally feel it is time you to let go and take charge.

You can certainly do something different now - first accept it is what it is and second, if you can and have not, do reach out to that teacher, enquire about her and update her about yourself. Many a teacher even if they don't remember a student are always happy to hear from their students. I am a teacher and I value it and I do reach out to my teachers often and I know they love it ( I also wrote a snippet right here in IL after finding me Sanskrit teacher after some 30/35 years).

And dear girl, as young people we look up to teachers but as an adult you can now understand that teachers are also human! I love super hero shows and the recent quote that finally made sense to me is "Pain is inevitable, suffering is not!" even though I have heard it all my life. Teachers make a world of difference - good and bad but you know what, we can also make a world of difference to ourselves.

PS: I have made an assumption here that you have not tried to reach out to her. if you have and she has refused to let go, it certainly is your turn to let go of that relationship and incident.
Click to expand...

you are right at so many points. Teachers do like to take some students under their wings. And students too like being under their wings right? Now after gaining a few years of experience at work, I am also looking for some junior to take under my wings. Not literally, but you know what I mean. I like to make a difference to someone's life. Atleast make a positive impact. I think thats a little "parenting" thing also where you like to nourish someone. That gives a personal satifsaction and job satisfaction. You like someone to look up to you the way you looked up at someone. Your first boss, or that colleague who made you feel comfortable, your first desk neighbor, whatever ...
so yea, I am over it. Just one of those fleeting memories that come when you pass by the college or something that reminds you of flashbacks. I have not tried to meet her , but I know she is in the same city. Maybe with the teachers day coming up, I will try to meet her. Hope she remembers me still

1Sandhya · Aug 21, 2022

What the actual f*^%? I’m shocked by your snippet and this burden you have carried for so long.

OP you did nothing wrong. Please inscribe these words on the table of your heart and repeat them to yourself whenever this memory strikes you again. You did nothing wrong.

You say you wanted more marks. Actually I view it as you wanted to improve your understanding of the subject. Don’t diminish it by saying ‘oh it’s just a few marks’. I have seen kids who actually just wanted more marks, some classmates in my time, now some of my children’s friends and honestly it is sickening. They go over every question in the paper, whine and beg the teacher, argue and bargain for one point here, half point there, to goose up their total to an A or whatever. It’s very irritating.

What you described is different. You didn’t do that. You actually wanted to improve your understanding. Marks were just an indicator of that. You asked the teacher for guidance, when none was forthcoming you found someone else to teach you. Absolutely nothing wrong in that. What you did was fair, honest and aboveboard.

Her reaction is pathetic, to be honest. But not surprising. There are people like that in this world OP, who have their own world view and frame of reference, they create boxes and arbitrarily put people in them. And when you refuse to remain in the box they assigned you, when you show no you are different, more enterprising, hardworking more capable than their estimate, they just can’t deal with it and cut all contact. This is more about that woman’s pathetic ego than about you.

Another factor in this mess is that in India people kowtow and defer so much to certain categories - teachers, doctors- that it goes to their head and they start behaving like petty tyrants, bestowing favor or withdrawing it. That teacher was egoistic, she got a shock when you refused to stay in the box she assigned you and kept trying harder. I would say she withdrew more than cut you off because she realized she was off the mark in her estimation of your capabilities and didn’t know how to deal with it. Maybe she didn’t know what to say? Pathetic woman! She could have appreciated you, praised your initiative etc. You came by the extra marks honestly through your hard work and effort but no… she just couldn’t deal with it. And for that you are feeling guilty all these years?!!!! Cheer up OP!

I can understand that you were puzzled by her behavior and so this particular imcident remained in your mind as puzzles frequently do. But hopefully writing this snippet and discussing the various facets of the situation will give you closure.

needawayout · Aug 22, 2022

1Sandhya said: ↑

What the actual f*^%? I’m shocked by your snippet and this burden you have carried for so long.

OP you did nothing wrong. Please inscribe these words on the table of your heart and repeat them to yourself whenever this memory strikes you again. You did nothing wrong.

You say you wanted more marks. Actually I view it as you wanted to improve your understanding of the subject. Don’t diminish it by saying ‘oh it’s just a few marks’. I have seen kids who actually just wanted more marks, some classmates in my time, now some of my children’s friends and honestly it is sickening. They go over every question in the paper, whine and beg the teacher, argue and bargain for one point here, half point there, to goose up their total to an A or whatever. It’s very irritating.

What you described is different. You didn’t do that. You actually wanted to improve your understanding. Marks were just an indicator of that. You asked the teacher for guidance, when none was forthcoming you found someone else to teach you. Absolutely nothing wrong in that. What you did was fair, honest and aboveboard.

Her reaction is pathetic, to be honest. But not surprising. There are people like that in this world OP, who have their own world view and frame of reference, they create boxes and arbitrarily put people in them. And when you refuse to remain in the box they assigned you, when you show no you are different, more enterprising, hardworking more capable than their estimate, they just can’t deal with it and cut all contact. This is more about that woman’s pathetic ego than about you.

Another factor in this mess is that in India people kowtow and defer so much to certain categories - teachers, doctors- that it goes to their head and they start behaving like petty tyrants, bestowing favor or withdrawing it. That teacher was egoistic, she got a shock when you refused to stay in the box she assigned you and kept trying harder. I would say she withdrew more than cut you off because she realized she was off the mark in her estimation of your capabilities and didn’t know how to deal with it. Maybe she didn’t know what to say? Pathetic woman! She could have appreciated you, praised your initiative etc. You came by the extra marks honestly through your hard work and effort but no… she just couldn’t deal with it. And for that you are feeling guilty all these years?!!!! Cheer up OP!

I can understand that you were puzzled by her behavior and so this particular imcident remained in your mind as puzzles frequently do. But hopefully writing this snippet and discussing the various facets of the situation will give you closure.
Click to expand...

THank you for your thoughts. Well yea I guess you are right to some extent too!
No burden now. One of those fleeting thoughts when you pass by your college. Writing this definitely gave me some clarity. This was infact a topic at home too. The same day after she gave me the cold shoulder, I came home and talked about this and of course mom being mom supported me and said that I have done what I think is right. And that I should take care of what I want in life. At that time it was good marks, so I was honest to myself. So that ended there. But my teacher does come up once in a while over our chai discussions or dinner table discussions. I really liked her and she adored me too.
SO its ok. I think thats all the "adoration" that we are destined for. Im happy for it too.

1Sandhya · Aug 23, 2022

I’m really glad to hear that. The original snippet gave the impression you were brooding about it.

needawayout said: ↑

I think thats all the "adoration" that we are destined for. Im happy for it too.
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Yeah I know exactly what you mean! It’s happened to me too. College has less restrictions than school, it’s freer, we are older, young adults stepping out into the world. Some teacher or older student crosses our path - they appear so put together, worldly wise, there is such a good communication with them, it feels like wow! destiny! all the doors are opening for us and we hope to see and learn more from this person. We all go through this. In some cases this does happen resulting in a beautiful friendship or association. In most cases it peters out.

In your case it was a hope that didn’t go anywhere because the person was more limited than you realized. That’s not your problem, nor should you feel other life situations are punishments for some imagined transgression.