Confused.. How To Handle - Husband Wants Me To Leave Him And Baby

Are you a doctor? You might be able to take the licensing exams while on H4.

 

@MindVoice
Like @Brevity has mentioned, the problem is beyond the milk.
However, try to solve the closer problem.
The closer problem seems to be in trying to make your child get into a routine and have enough time for hubby.
I am not saying do the child stuff and also husband stuff... Start by maintaining a child routine, where you know at what time you DD sleeps/ eats/ wakes. This will give you time to build your schedule around it.
In a relationship both the partner has to compromise to an extent, that's when it will work.

Don't start your baby on formula just coz your IL's are forcing you. And by the way untill12 months children who are on BM have a tendency toward good health through-out their life.
If you gave birth in the US, did you get a chance to get a breast pump? You can pump and start your DD on bottle. 8 month is around the right age for the transition from breast to bottle feeding. (My friend delayed this process and her DS who is 2 and 1/2 years waits for her to be back from work just to be nursed)
Again every child is different it doesn't mean you have to start bottle feeding. It is entirely your choice.

Make sure you start giving unified look of your family in conversation with your family/ his family and with him too... Things like we three will do..... Let us three plan to do this... Things like this will start to make him feel he is a part of a family right next to him.. ( not his parents who live in a different continent)

Make sure you insist and tell Mother of the child knows what's best! I have used this particular phrase and it has worked for me. Trust me this is a struggle. Especially for new mothers in the US. Because we lack family support, not saying your parents aren't there to help. But your husband doesn't see your parents helping or your family pampering him and casually saying whats normal and whats not.

The harsh reality even your husband knows is.. you won't leave him especially after a child. Therefore all this drama of just threatening you with an empty bluff. It is very hard for him to raise a girl without a mother. And if he has given a bit of thought about it, he will know. The childcare it self is very expensive. There is no way he is ready to loose a family, although he is saying things like leave without the child.

I can understand that your husband isnt a good at communicating, have you noticed that does he face the same problem with friends/ colleagues...?? How does he handle outside the house communication...? Because it seems like your husband is adamant in what he wants and doesn't want to tell you what he wants....??? It's like I want this... I will wait for it to happen if it doesn't I will throw a tantrum.
Nobody can read minds not even his mother. When a child cries is when the mother knows the child is hungry. Tell him that you are not a mind reader, if he doesn't communicate and discuss things ahead it cant magically happen.

 

@MindVoice
I love happy updates! Make it work in your life, sweets. Good luck.

 

@MindVoice- There is a saying in my family (loads of aunts)- First year of marriage is very important to establish what you want for next 50 years. It’s the same rule for the first year of becoming a parent.

It doesn’t matter who he considers knows the best. YOU insist and keep insisting you are the mother of your child and you know what your child needs. Because his mother gave birth to him 30 years ago (approximating the age), doesn’t mean she knows everything about your child. His mother didn’t give birth to your child. If your child cries, it is your heart that breaks. You keep insisting, it will sink in after awhile. It looks like he cares for the child. He needs time to understand that you are the child’s mother, advice from his mother/ SIL are just advice. He has to slowly disconnect from his family (which looks like will take awhile)


I have a baby around the same age group as yours and I kinda relate to what you must be going through… Therefore from my perspective, I did say that he is throwing empty bluff at you. Again, everyone is different and may act/ react differently.

First and foremost- your husband can't replace you with his mother. Even though he threatens to.. it just shows that he too hasn’t thought about it in detail-

1 MIL is old ( 60 years maybe give or take)

2 MIL is not your child’s mother.

3 Doesn’t she have a husband to look after/ SIL/SIL's kids?

4. What will your child learn from an old lady…?? How to lead a life in the US?

5. When your DD grows up.. Will your DD introduce your MIL saying meet my grandmother to her friends, instead of meet my mother?

6. Will your MIL drive her to school/ engage your DD once she starts to walk/ talk/ run and play? After 9th-month children are more active, an adult has to constantly keep and eye on them, they can open stuff/ put stuff in their mouth. You think your MIL has that kind of energy to maintain a growing child? You know children aren't pets, you can't say Sit and expect the child to sit and so the adult gets household stuff done.

7. Raising a child in the US needs a certain social skill, where you meet other children's parent/ library time/ active participation at school/ daycare- there are tons of social niceties that you learn from your child’s activity and vice versa.

8. Your MIL can feed your child/ bath/cloth your child. Emotionally your husband needs you to be an active participant to help your DD grown into a beautiful confident person. Not your MIL. Your MIL will be kidding to herself and to the world and playing doll with your child at an old age.
9. Sometimes I feel my mother can't relate to what I am talking about, because of the culture difference and just that she doesn't belong to my generation. Imagine a 60-year-old communicating with your daughter.

Your child needs you, You are the mother, who can instill good things, positive things and nurture her. NOT HIS MOTHER. HIS MOTHER ALREADY TOOK CARE OF HER CHILD (who fails to communicate and doesn’t understand what you are going through).

Positive enforcement through action- where your husband sees you that you do things with your DD which his mother didn’t do or can't do with his child.

1. Buy children books and make sure you read it to the child. There is so many children book even for 8- 9-month-olds.

2. Play with your child. Play with their toys engages your child through play.

3. Talk to your DD. Yes, communication already seems like a big problem in your house, start communicating with your DD even though she can't respond… She will react to your positive talking...

4. I am sure you are playing children rhymes for your DD, sing along and watch children movies with your DD. (My DS love Winne the pooh- He is 9 month he smiles, giggles, and taps his feet at things he likes.)

When your husband sees your engaging positively with your DD, it may occur to him that things that cant be done by his mother.

Postpartum is hard and getting adjusted to the new identity for men is even harder ( suddenly they are made to feel like they have to responsible for everything/ with less of active participation in child's life).Emotionally some men are wound up. Its hard for such men to express or even think that “hey, maybe my wife has feelings too. Let me talk to her and know what she is feeling” .
And some men are so used to seeing their parents lifestyle where the father does everything without any opinion from his mother.. they just want continuity of the parents relationship. When your husband says "you will understand me over a period of time"

With such men, it may help in long term – to have less expectation toward communicating- It doesn’t mean you have to accept everything he does.
Have your opinion on things. Be strong with your opinion. Just say NO I don’t like this product. That’s it. Don’t nag about it, don’t use the product, don’t talk further, don’t adjust (looking at the price tag) Just say NO I don’t like it and leave it there. Don’t give explanations either. Don’t make him return it. You start to resist that he can't pick/ choose everything for the child and make you use it (just an example)
At first, it will be hard for him to see the change (that is the reason he is calling everyone and blaming you in front of everyone)
Divide the responsibility of the household and tell him you will take care of the house- shopping/ cooking/ caring. Tell him you will do a better job. If he doesn't listen, you just do it anyway... Ignore his comments/ fights.

 

@MindVoice- All new mothers go through some sort of family adjustments. Keep your chin up. You are doing everything right. Goodluck to you sweety.