Confused and disturbed

tanu khurana · Oct 11, 2015

Hello friends, whenever I have problem IL always helps a lot... My story - mine is interested love marriage almost 10 yrs as of now. Having a six years old son and two months old daughter. Six months back we bought a house jointly took loan and I took around 13 Lacs as loan from my dad and some other 5 Lacs loan from his relative side. We are having little monetary problem now a days... My Dh wants second child and in fact girl... He convinced me he will take care of me and baby but during my pregnancy he haven't I was going to hospital alone, never even ask me if I want to eat anything but never opposed anything I can do whatever I want mostly not always. The day we had baby girl he was too happy it was c section my mom came from another city to take care of me I lived with inlaws. I asked him to stay in hospital with my mom to take care of me and baby. We had horrible fight. He said he has to go for work... Very unreasonable reasons.... Who will pay dept. This that too much hot argument in the hospital room in front of my mom.... I felt too bad in fact cried a lot... Next day he came felt sorry.... Then we came home.... He take care of baby but not much always your mom is here.... Then few days back he was criticizing why I allowed son to take part in dance it will put bad effects and one day he will be behaving like girl.... In between he is having party with friends once in every week. Even when baby is a week old. Last week we have to go for some wedding he came home some thermocol spread outside.... He just entered I was getting ready started shouting in front of sons friends whole day you stay home dnt take care of things this that... I felt very bad I too shouted back sons friends home what they will think of me. He shouted more loudly I do everything . I went alone with son that day for someone wedding .. Then last week son was not coming for sleep in afternoon... He started beating him so badly even with legs I came in between he even slapped on my hand... I too shouted back..... He again started saying Iam spoiling him... Son has also become too fusy after arrival of baby... My husband don't want to do anything for kids, nor take them out for any outing, nor want to go for walk with me... He goes with his friends, nor take Baby for vaccination, nor want to attend son ptm, his annual function, in fact goes with friends everywhere...... But he never stops me from going out with my friends too... In fact on that day when he shouted at me when we are going for wedding and I yelled back he started sleeping outside in drawing room.. We have little talk now a days.... When he can go out with friends, take their kids out, even to hospital why not his kids.... I ask him anything he straight away says I wnt do..... U do whatever you want..... Iam getting nuts with his ignorant and irritating attitude.... Every month he pay from my salary for bank loan.... He dnt want to help in any case..... His answer it's my life I will live on my principles what ever I like.... U leave if you want to....

tanu khurana · Oct 11, 2015

Just forget to mention he insulted my mom too this time so I too told him how would he feel if I do same with his parents.... So sorry for such a long post.... I am too disturbed just tired of doing everything alone for kids..... Sometimes I feel like leaving such a irresponsible man....

Ragini25 · Oct 11, 2015

tanu khurana said: ↑

... Sometimes I feel like leaving such a irresponsible man....
Click to expand...

But why even agree to a second baby in such an environment?
In an unstable envt, it is tough when a second one arrives, wish you had asked for suggestion before agreeing to tha.

Gd wishes to you.

Jas8085 · Oct 11, 2015

First step - Stop reacting when he shouts. Focus on yourself and kids. If he shouts, just walk away. He will feel like an idiot.

what did you do to prepare your son for the arrival of the new baby? Its a big change for him. Support himand be loving towards him. Involve him in doing things for the baby. let him choose that babys clothes, toys etc.

Do you have post natal depression ? please get checked

beingloved · Oct 11, 2015

What about building life on your own for a while? Assign some baby tasks to him like vaccination, ptm, outing etc. and let him do that only. Go out on your own with friends and leave the kids to him.

tanu khurana · Oct 12, 2015

Okay... Will do that...

Iamagoodgirl · Oct 13, 2015

op i think you both are too stressed now.Dont you have anyone to help?hows your relationship with inlaws?

ssrgopal · Oct 13, 2015

Dear Thanu,
I know my suggestion below might sound very difficult to accept. But give it a try anyways.

I guess your DH just took you for granted. Partying when there are 2 kids, particularly when the new kid is just 1 week old sounds very IRRESPONSIBLE.

Suggestions:

1. Try to bring your mom or mom-in-law (DOUBTFUL) for help, like helping you in kitchen or just someone around you. So that you don't feel lonely. Even if they are ready to be with you in 2/4 weeks that will also help.
2. If above doesn't work, can you hire a cook or any nanny who will help you to reduce the burden. This will cost you at the max 2.5k a month.. guess you are in India. Just remember we all earn so that we WANT TO BE HAPPY AT THE PRESENT, no use in sacrificing so much at the present and save for the future, which will also ruin your mind and health. So plan this accordingly. Your happiness and mental peace is more important than anything to run a family peacefully.
3. Point 2, will never be accepted by your hubby, so tell him firmly that you are so stressed and you need help. IT IS NOT PERMISSION remember that. He will not agree. That case demand his time, after kids there is some sacrifice that guys also need to do from their end. You already waited for so many months no harm in giving him 1 MONTH GRACE TIME. If he is helping a bit and you are able to manage, no problem. Else in the mean time look for nanny/mom/MIL for help.
4. NEVER EVER DEPEND on anyone, when GOD have given us strength to deliver a human to earth, other emotional things around us are VERY MINOR. Have this attitude, "I CAN DO EVERYTHING"... This is not applicable always, but when I read your particular case, I can suggest this. Because, when someone feels we are depending on them, they do all these dramas, so that we should ALWAYS DEPEND them.
5. Try to get some "good friend" around, this friend, should never know what is happening in your personal life... like your misunderstanding with DH... all those. Because, that 20-30 mins walk if for RELAX not again to discuss your personal life with them and confuse yourself. Any problem post here in IL. We can give you moral support.

I am not sure how much the above suggestions will help you. But no harm in giving a try.

All the best dear, don't worry.