Confused about our relationship, love & time to plan for kids?

parvathi1980 · May 13, 2013

The lack of intimacy in your marriage is a bigger concern. Your husband maybe needs medical attention. Kids are a big responsibility. Don't bring them into a loveless marriage (that is what I feel after reading your post).

praks · May 14, 2013

Hi,

I had started a thread http://www.indusladies.com/forums/m...macy-issues-good-marriage-10.html#post2733835

Please take a look at the suggestions as it looks a little similar to mine. However, I would like to ask if there is no physical intimacy in the sense -kissing, hugging, embrace/touch/fondle anything at all?

In our case we have all that in plenty except for IC and both of us are learning to live that way though IC happens once in a few months.

polymorphic · May 14, 2013

First let him be a good husband to you, then go for a child.. Otherwise, he may end up telling that you pressurised him to having kid and he does not want a kid.. Caring for a baby and kid usually complicates rather than solving any problem... because unlike previous gen women(like our mothers) we expect lot of support and involvement from our husbands particularly after a baby is born. We want our husbands to share the same excitement in everything.. I think you guys should first boost your married life before going for a kid..

rose8282 · May 14, 2013

This sweet romance that women think is the way romance should be, exists only in movies. Point to be taken is both of you are concerned about each other when you are away. If this is not love, what is? Go through some of the threads like " Did your DH sweep you off your feet today" and see how women perceive the smallest things that husbands do, as actual romance.
Regarding sex , maybe he just is not into it. Not that he doesn't like you. Is that not possible?
Don't think too much... Follow jazzy jazz (if the id is correct) suggestions.. She has given good pointers.

happinesjourney · May 14, 2013

Thank you all for valuable replies. Other than intimacy, we dont have any major issues but minor things like common interests. We are just quite opposites and dont really have any common interests. I had always thought it was minor but during conversations with him, I came to realize that it plays a major role. He says, I dont like anything he likes. He likes to play games (he would rather play all day everyday if given a chance), I hate games (i tried learning but it was soo boring and i would rather take care of other million things i have on my plate), he likes sports and i never really mentioned any huge interest nor i know how to play certain sports. Even if i am ready to join in something of this sort, he wouldn't initiate either. He expects me to initiate. When he is with his best friends, guy buddies, he is soo happy, excited and plays games with them like a kid. I feel that’s he is soo passionate about his game, even if he can show 10% of that towards me, i would be soo happy. Well, I know he loves me, cares for me, misses me when I am not there, we have plenty of hugs, kisses (only cheeks that I give him), cuddles etc. He has got plenty of patience, never raises voice towards me, makes tea for me in the morning and packs my lunch after I am done with cooking. He is sweet like that and I am happy because of that. However, coming to intimacy part, it never happens. He doesnt even miss it. He is never interested in it. About kids, I know he loves kids a lot and wants kids as much as I want. Actually, during the last few years, I completely stopped expecting intimacy and was even ready for adoption. He was the one who said, either we have it naturally or not have any at all. So I started expecting and my frustration on intimacy returns and frustration intensifies when I know my ovulation period is getting over. On top of that, people start questioning, all our friends having kids with just us remaining makes me very very sad. I wasn’t expecting Bollywood types romance from him, but basic appreciation on my looks and a kiss would do. In terms of looks, I am much prettier now than when he married me as I transformed myself by losing 40 pounds and still counting.
Like JazzyJaz said, I think I should stop focusing on it and be cool and try not pressurize him. But I am afraid, that I did this for 2.5-3 yrs straight but nothing changed. I had been telling him about ovulation dates and such and I realize now that I should probably stop that. He listens to me patiently when I say it but really don’t know what goes in his mind if he thinks we should do it or feels more pressured.

generic · May 14, 2013

Please don't attempt to have kids unless the marital issues are solved...a consultation with the doctor should help (specialist)... also u mentioned that both sets of parents are pressurizing for babies...so have a frank discussion with them explaining that due to these intimacy issues only u are childless...and that you are not trying to put off having kids.. then they will also counsel him... maybe he'll listen to them and do something about it..else you are the one who will be ill treated in future as it happens with many DILs who do not conceive after many years of marriage..