Conflicted About Giving Money To Friend Who Helped Me

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by mangaii, May 15, 2023.

  1. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    One of my friends helped me during my last India visit with some important matters. He messaged me asking if I would loan Rs.2L since he has emergency. Considering how much I have suffered because of this mindset of mine and I have no idea about his whereabouts in India I'm little hesitant to help. He also messaged me specifically not to inform his wife which is bothering me more. I have never met her but we spoke in phone. I purchased silk saree and clothes for him(Rs.10,000) as token of gratitude for Diwali. I'm conflicted on what to do now. I wonder what if he has real emergency but at the same time considering how I believed every word that came out of my SIL and loaned her money I don't want to repeat the mistake. Maybe I have become like this but I'm mostly leaning towards not giving money. Do you think I'm doing the right thing ?
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    If you give him money do it with the expectation that you may not see it again. The circumstances do sound fishy.
     
  3. EverydayBloom

    EverydayBloom Gold IL'ite

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    If you are not sure about his whereabouts and sense that something is not right, just give away small amount (which you are ready to loose) and say this is what you can help with.
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    The right thing in such situations is the decision that you can live with.

    Long ago I was in a similar situation with a friend who had helped me in an India trip. My choices were - give the money and forget about it, or say No. I said No after lot of deliberation and used an acceptable reason. The friendship survived fine but looking back many times over the years I wish I had helped her in her time of need. She never brought up the topic or asked for loan again, but it always hung unsaid.

    The Diwali gifts you bought them were a token of your gratitude. If his help meant a lot to you, now is the time to help him back.

    The request not to inform his wife can have many plausible explanations. I wouldn't worry about that.

    I personally would give the requested amount and write it off.

    If you decide not to give it, that's fine too. Use a gentle reason, don't refer to your SIL experience.

    ============
    Random observation - I have learned that any help I get in India from my relatives or friends comes with strings attached. Even the stinking rich friends will need an item from the U.S. that will need me to research and buy or it will be from a non-descript website and I will hesitate to use my credit card. Or, it will be an item like a nw laptop, then I start researching about taking laptop to India but not bringing it back. And, friend will not want it to be unboxed. : )
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2023
  5. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @mangaii,

    Helping someone with an anticipation to borrow funds is outright wrong. Moreover, you don’t know his whereabouts. He is specifically telling you not to tell his wife which is a good reason not to give money. Would you like if someone lends money to your husband when your husband’s instruction is not to tell you? I am not sure how much you value his help and what kind of help that was.

    My friend helped me sell my parents’ property, bought a land for me in my absence and sold my flat in my absence. It is 40+ years friendship and when I asked him how can I repay his help, he replied, “You are special to me”. He truly considers me as part of his family and he was the one who organized my wife’s birthday and my birthday during this trip.

    If you don’t know him well and it was one off help, you can express your gratitude through a gift and nothing more. Don’t do anything that will change your feeling of gratitude to an unpleasant experience. Even if he plans to return it, it is not worth going through that suspicion in mind which will conflict with the feeling of gratitude. If it is a genuine emergency, I am sure he would explore multiple options.
     
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  6. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Since he has helped you with an important matter, I would loan the money and write it off if I were in your place. Didn't you take his help without knowing his whereabouts. So you can consider this as a way to repay him for the help. Not many people come forward to help us in real life. Also you could just assess the real value of his help in monetary terms and accordingly give him an amount that you feel fit. Eg. It doesn't make sense to give him 2L if he has helped you for a matter of 10000rs.
     
  7. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    I believe in not lending money to any of my friends or acquaintance bcoz when the money is not returned, in addition to losing money, you loose the relationship, it never remains the same. I might be wrong in doing so but this is what I follow for myself.
     
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  8. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    I feel giving money or not giving money can spoil this friendship. Not sure why he is hiding it from his wife. If you give forget about it. One option is to tell him you are scared/ not comfortable to have any financial transaction with a friend as it can spoil friendship. So, he should explore other ways. You value this friendship a lot. So dont want to spoil it based on your past experience. Be firm.
     
  9. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    Basically relationship among friends circle is reciprocal. Certain tact required to set at naught the intent to loot.

    When i got arrears of salary in cash (1976) in my Echolac brief, a colleague in the civil defence office reached my chamber and began telling sob story to get few thousands loan from me. This colleague has many influential friends at top level in hierarchy & has been good in many ways to me in the past but known to have never returned the borrowed amounts from other staff in office.

    I had always then & there settled the gratitude by cash or kind or both to him. So, I had to reply his sob story with my own concocted not once but thrice. He then stopped approaching me on the day whenever salary disbursed.

    I had numerous instances to quote how large amounts loaned to friends eventually spoil the quality of relationships/friendship. Many gets offended when we demand our money back.
    The expectataion of some borrowers are that ”the-person-lent-is-already-rich & why-the-hell—I-sholud-return-the-money”.

    Of course there could be exceptions when the debtors delight the creditors at most unexpected moment or at the right moment return the money double with fabulous gifts.
    If you have excess money happily give it to the needy without any expectation.
    Such transactions seems to pay rich dividends later in life.
     
    Last edited: May 16, 2023
  10. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    I decided to give 1/4th of what he asked since that is how much I’m willing to loose without spoiling the relationship. Thanks to everyone who took time to respond
     
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