Confessions of an erstwhile momma's boy

Jay

Everyone needs their time to see the change in others. How long did you take to see hte truth about your mom?? how long did you take to see why your wife was sooo upset and frustrated??? so the same way give her time to see hte change in you! If she had been with you all this while inspite of the horrible time you both were having, am sure she would see this good change tooo!! just be patient iwth her and TOP it all....this is not hte time for you to EXPECT her to see the change in you...NOW its her TIME....she has to be busy with taking care of herself and the baby.You have to be busy supporting her and taking care of her and the baby!! Concentrate on that..slowly things would fall in place. Rememberr when you try the least and be genuinely caring, it always shows and leaves the best impression and gives releif to our loved ones!

 

Jay I just realised that you are one of the two sons and yes I've seen such sons realise the folly of their mother sooner or later.. anyhow a big achievement for the betterment of your personal life. Also many a times the mother chooses another host and leaves the remaining son(s) to themselves for sometime.

The issue remains grave for single sons... I shall be greatly moved if a single son comes forward and feels the same for a faulty mother... the problem becomes multifold when they hear back same commnents from their sisters or other relatives as mentioned by Shiva which sends them back on a guilty trip and they keep falling into same trap again n again. No matter how much efforts the couple make the sons are sent on guilty trips since they're the only sons and responsible for lot many things in this indian society.

There's a difference in love and obsession, when love turns into OCD it needs to be treated. Not all acts can be justified out of love or insecurity there has to be a boundry on whats ethical and whats not.

 

@ASG : Thanks for your sharing your experiences. Until I read your post, I was thinking I was the only guy with a mother like I have. I can easily relate to your situation.

Jay.. you are definately not the only son with a mom ... who turned into a monster in law... there are thousands of those varieties floating all around if you read the other mails in this forum you will realise... BUT you are one of the rare husbands who have come "out of the closet" and realised that fact... this it self speaks volumes for you...
please don't expect your wife to coming running to you with all forgiveness like in hindi movies for all the atrocities you guys jointly meted out to her... give her time to heal and be patient and gentle...
her stand of she can manage life without your support is not uncommon with wives who have faced the combine wrath of Dh and MIL.. she has learnt to support herself and seek a life without you.. don't blame her for it... GIVE HER TIME TO HEAL
all the best for your future
K

 

If your mom was very nasty to her it will take DW a long time. Its not easy to forget abuse and it scars you for a lifetime.It destroys the trust you have in poeple - that most people are good and you should be good to others. When something like this happens, you automatically learn to only trust yourself. trusting someone becomes very difficult. Nobody wants to be hurt twice. Abuse is not OK - from anyone -Give DW some time. once the baby arrives you both will have different issues to worry about. Do not bring parents issues or mention parents in your conversations. when you both talk just talk about you, DW and your kids and lives together. That will ease up the pain. It did courage from you to speak up and that will make all the difference. just give it some time you will be happy sooon !! with 2 lil munchkins taking up all your time!

 

Life is short. We need to move on and not hold grudges for a long time. I keep saying this to DW. In all the fights and arguements me and DW used to have, I always used to take the higher role and apologize to her. I don't know how much time is enough. Its already like 8 months since I've changed!

Jay, I am sorry you are not being fair telling this to your wife or feeling like this. For one thing she has undergone yrs of abuse from you and your family. Pardon me , be realistic in anything you say. We are not in Utopian era to say when someone else apologises all will be well.It doesnt work that way. She has to go thru her fears and begin to trust you again.

I imagine she must be more grief stricken after going thru all that she went thru having a love marriage. It hurts more then becoz you go into marriage with more trust ,familiarity with the other person. Pardon me if I am blunt. You are not able to digest waiting for 8 months for her to come in terms with your change, but didnt she have to undergo yrs of abuse too. You cant wait for a few months but she went on with a loveless marriage for so long. It was not months but yrs. Just becoz you feel you are reformed to your responsibilities , you want her to jump in. It doesnt work that way. You need to work thru her fears and make her see she can seek support from you.

Also its easy to say all this if the shoe is on the other foot. Suddenly we turn to being a person who expects support from spouse when he comes to becoming enlightened. You have changed from 8 months. But what about her when you turned suddenly to a cold husband after marriage. Did you ever ask her how she feels about it. No. Then you shudnt be asking these questions and try to be nice and make your relationship stronger with your wife. She needs you now not becoz you had a change of heart. But becoz she is pregnant.

Why are you worried about your brother and SIL relationship with your wife. Right now your relationship with your wife shud be strengthened not your brother's,SIL's or mother's. That is putting undue pressure on your marriage. From far off it looks like MIL's DIL's and BIL's have perfect relationship. Its not that way if you look closely. Most of the times IL's use pitting one DIL,bro against another . So you never know all the negatives until you look closely. Dont take their word for it and ruin your peace of mind and in turn your wife's. Good Luck.

 

Jay,

Your post is unique. This is not about the relation between your wife and mother or between you and your mother. I think it is more about YOU. You realized what's been going on and took a stand. That's great. While I don't think your wife's using cuss words against your mom is anything wrong, (considering what all she had to go through) I also understand your opposition to it. After all, it is your mother. Given time your wife might stop talking about your mom. Good Luck

 

Like Choc said, 'Grass always looks greener on the other side' .. Until you go close and live with them, may be, it may all seem well.. They also may be having their daily issues..
That thing what you said your mother says that your bro and SIL are very nice is nothing more than a mind game.. I have seen many MILs who after having a tiff with elder DIL, correct themselves and try to be extra sweet to the younger DIL.. They try to pitt one DIL against the other.. Try to cause divide between DILs.. Moreover, the world wont come to an end if she doesn't love your child the way she loves her other son's children.. Like someone said, when you dont get something, you learn to live without it.. So learn to live without your mom's affection.. You are grown up and am sure you can handle it..
Beware of the mind games and dont push your wife too much to patch up with your mom.. It might result otherwise..

 

While the idea of a Mama's boy becoming a good husband sounds good, in theory, in practice, such a thing rarely happens. If this did, in fact, happen, then I'm happy for you and your wife. However, I find a lot of entitlement on your part with respect to your mother and a lot of issues with YOUR behavior towards both your mother and your wife, so I doubt that this story is for real.

Giving you the benefit of doubt, however, and assuming that it is, here comes my frank feedback:

1. Flat was registered in your BROTHER'S name prior to your marriage for whatever reason. So, the transfer of the asset from your brother's name to your name was between you & your brother. So, how or why did your mother even come into the picture??? If you wanted the title transferred to your name, then you should have approached your brother, not your mother. So, why do you blame your MOTHER and accuse HER of non-cooperation when she had no real role in this issue?

2. You claim that your mother's 'true colors' were revealed after her cash flow was restricted. Why was her 'cash flow' restricted? Was it at the behest of your wife?

3. You report an inability to balance the two most important women in your life. This is YOUR problem, not your mother's or wife's. You seem to be unstable and quite prejudiced. Initially, you were biased against your wife, then had a miraculous change of heart and are now biased against your mother. Learn to balance yourself, first, then blame the other people in your life for the trouble that you create FOR YOURSELF.

4. Contrary to your belief, your mother is not a nurse, a maid or a nanny. I really don't understand your expectation that she HAS to help you with childcare etc. She needs to do no such thing. She is elderly and even if she has no health problems and even if your MIL slogs like a dog at your house, that still does not mean that your mother has to work like a maid at your home. If you are unable to take care of children on your own, then why the heck do you have them in the first place??? I completely fail to understand daughters and DILs who walk around with a chip on their shoulder and a sense of entitlement a yard long that mothers and MILs exist solely as unpaid nannies and maids for them.

5.

So? She deserves a medal for taking care of her own daughter??? And she is haughty and hot-tempered as well, you say? But, despite this, somehow all the fights that she had with your mother were entirely your mother's fault and your wife was an innocent lamb (despite her haughtiness and hot-temper)??? Really? And, for some reason, she feels justified in using foul language at your mother and you ADMIT she has been abusive towards the older woman but all of this is justifiable because she - your wife - takes such good care of your daughter????

And the interesting thing is that the fights started a whole year after marriage??? . You admit to have been a Mama's boy from the beginning, but nothing went wrong until Year 1? How come? What was so different about the first year??? My guess is that as long as the honeymoon phase was in full swing, your wife and you got along well. But, after that, once the first flush of love was over, you started clashing due to your incompatibilities. But, instead of blaming yourselves, you are blaming a third-party for these fights, just like she is being blamed over the flat incident which was strictly between your brother and you.

Tell me, Jay, is your mother always your scapegoat for anything and everything that goes wrong with your life?

As if to prove my point:

Your wife needs a reality check. A miscarriage can result due to many factors, especially in the early stages of pregnancy. Most common of these factors is chromosomal abnormality over which neither your wife nor you nor even God has any control over. Even assuming that your wife miscarried due to stress, that is still not your mother's fault. Your wife was stressed simply because she was worried about her own inability to handle her affairs without additional help or maid-service from her mother or MIL. As I said before, if your wife could not cope with her existing responsibility, then she had no right to try to bring another baby into the mix. And, of course, as usual, your mother proves a convenient scape-goat for all the malaise in your respective lives. Anything goes wrong - oh, just blame my Mother already! With an attitude like that, good luck with everything.

And, your basic incompatibility was your mother's fault, how?

.

WOW. So, your mother gets along well with her older son & DIL - with whom she LIVES - and with her other DIL's parents but does not get along with you and your wife who live so far away from her?? So, whose fault is this LIKELY to be??? Who is/are the REAL culprit(s) here?

.

You have a LOVE MARRIAGE with this woman, and, if you were REALLY a Mama's boy as you claim to be, then your mother must have approved of your choice for you to go through with it. If she approved of your choice, then she really does not have the motive to instigate you as much as you claim that she did.

Or, if you did not care or ask for her approval, then you were not a Mama's boy, at all! So, something doesn't quite add up here.

If you had an Iyer-Iyengar inter-caste marriage, then your wife must have AT LEAST tried to inculcate Iyengar traditions into her life / home. Or why marry one? It seems to me that she wanted everything done her way ALL the time, and when they weren't, fights happened between the two of you.

So, it's not like your mother is the ONLY one who wants things done HER WAY all the time. Your wife is exactly the same as your mother in wanting things to be done HER way, too, so enough already with all the blame game that you are playing here.

My God!!! And all of that is a CRIME, in your opinion? She cannot enjoy her life at all, eh, except to act as a nanny or a nurse or a maid to your wife and you???? This is what upset me the MOST about this thread. It boggles my mind to think how a biological child (which you claim to be) can blame / fault his or her biological parent for wanting to enjoy her retirement, and bad-mouths her for refusing to act as nanny and maid to his wife? Even if your mother is truly as bad as you make her out to be, you are no better than her as you seem to have quite a lot of resentment and hatred towards her and her ability to enjoy her life.

Seriously, how is it YOUR affair whether she does household chores in your brother's house or not? And, you want her to have financial problems and to have a bad relationship with your brother's wife? The money you send her is a BONUS??? Then, stop sending it already, instead of sending it with such a bad grace.

Jay, I want to tell you, get over yourself already. Ask not what your mother has done for you, ask instead what YOU have done for HER. Yes, you read that right. She has already paid her dues to her family and has raised her two kids to be the men that they are today and she is now ENTITLED TO ENJOY her old age and retirement in peace and quiet. It is not for you to say that she should not enjoy herself or that she is "bad" to do so.

Regardless of whether she is healthy or not, regardless of whether your MIL helps you or not, you have NO right to be so judgmental and dismissive of her. In a way, I am glad that your wife has cut off your mother - now, the old lady is spared the torture of slogging at her house and being cussed out in return.

As for her showering her love on her grandson and her other son & DIL, of course, she will love them because they give her a chance and don't go around with mega chips on their shoulders like you do. You want her to love your daughter whom your wife does not even want her to see? REALLY?

Get a heart first. You chose your wife. You then chose to abuse her. You chose to have another child when you could not even cope with the responsibility of the one child. Your wife chose to be stressed over her inability to handle her life herself. Your wife chooses to use foul language at your mother. Your wife chooses not to allow her daughter to know the paternal grandmother but it is still your mother's fault that she does not love a child that she is not permitted to see at all. But anything and everything is your mother's fault, how????