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Confessions of an erstwhile momma's boy

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by JayDixit, Jun 14, 2010.

  1. JayDixit

    JayDixit Senior IL'ite

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    Hello
    I've been a silent reader on this forum for quite some time. After reading the experiences of girls here I though I need to share my experiences.

    Background
    I'm a guy in mid 30s married with a 3 yr old daughter and another due this December. I got married 5 years ago and its been very tough marriage for both me and my wife. I'm embarassed to say that I was a momma's boy and I treated my wife so badly for a long time. I was blinded and to me it was like my-mom-can-do-nothing-wrong. My wife joined me in the US after we got married. Things were good for the first year. Then started the fights. My mother and I used to speak on the phone everyday and she influenced me in every little thing and naturally my wife was miffed. My in-laws were ofcourse unhappy with my behavior and things went from bad to worse. My wife and I were not even in talking terms and were living under the same roof. We patched up and after 2 years of marriage my wife conceived.I was still under the influence of my mother and made my wife's first pregnancy hell. With all the stress she went through she was hit with gestational diabetes! My wife and in-laws have completely severed ties with my mother. When my in-laws visited us to help my wife during delivery I did not treat my in-laws and my MIL was literally working like a maid for us. Again I was ill-treating her because of the mother's influence. My MIL and I had a major argument and when she left for India , I took it on my wife who was still going through her post-partum pains. This time I got physical with my wife. Anyways after the incident I was really sorry about what I did and I sincerely apologized. Now even with all this, my mother used to complain that I only listen to my wife and not take care of her! I used to send lot of money to her as well.

    Okay let me explain some of the characteristics of my wife. My wife is not a soft person as well. She is very haughty and hot-tempered. She always feels hers is the only way and everyone must follow her way. She uses cuss words against my mom and has been pretty abusive to my mom. But but but, she has been a fantastic mother to our daughter. Perhaps this was the only reason that I did not separate from my wife. She single-handedly used to look after our daughter along with going to work. Same goes with my MIL. She has all sorts of diseases and inspite her failing health she took care of my wife during her pregnancy and looked after our new born daughter then.

    Few incidents changed everything and the veil of ignorance was removed. When my mother's cash inflow was reduced , she started showing her true colors. Moreoever I had asked her to transfer the apartment to my name ( The apartment was bought under my brother's name for ease in aquiring the loan and paperwork as I was residing abroad). All me and my wife were asking her to transfer the apartment's ownership to us after we paid off the loan ( Bro did not pay a single dime but was living with his wife and kids along with mom )My mother created a big fuss on this and started all sorts of emotional blackmail. She refused to co-operate in the transfer. My wife got upset and wanted them to vacate the apartment. My mother thought I was being influenced by my in-laws and I'm throwing them out of the house with the intention of bringing my in-laws over! ( My in-laws have a decent place to stay and they certainly were not interested in moving to that apartment ) Finally just to get ownership transferred I flew to India which could have been done via mail if my mother had co-operated. These sorts of petty issues really opened my eyes. I mean what sort of a mother she is. She is only interested in her son's money. She expects expensive items from me in every India trip of mine. She is not attached to our daughter much ( She commented something like "Oh your wife's side , they are only daughters ) I really started to detest my mom for her attitude.

    After our daughter was about 18 months old my wife conceived again. It was a stressful phase for us. Besides being pregnant wife was working and could not quit for immigration reasons. Our daughter was not eating right in the day care. We had a nanny for sometime and the experience was not good either.We desperately needed family help. My MIL health has completely deteriorated and her doctor advised not to travel abroad. So we thought of bringing my mother for help. We applied for her visa and she got it. We asked her to come a few weeks before the delivery so that we could get maximum help during post-partum. My mom wanted to come only during the early stages of pregnancy and bluntly said she will not help us during post partum and started giving lame excuses like her chit fund sessions will need to be taken care of and what not. My wife and I were shocked by her attitude. My wife who was already stressed with her job , daughter's day care , cooking and first trimester issues and became very nervous that nobody was there to take care of her in her pregnancy. Sadly the second pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage. My wife thinks its because of my mother. Her doctor also said it could be due to too much stress she lost the baby. My wife just could not take it although I accepted it a part of life and moved on. She vowed not to ever talk to my mom and not to show our daughter to my mom.

    My mom on the other hand denied all these and pretends as though nothing happened from her side. In fact she keeps saying I don't have courage to face my wife and taunts me that I'm hen-pecked!.

    After all these I started realizing the value of my wife and I promised her that I will never ever let her down. My mom still tried to influence me and tried all sorts of dramas on me. Infact those sort dramas are similar to some girls have written about their MILs. I did not budge. She has become close to my SIL and ensured that my SIL does not talk to my wife so that my wife and SIL don't pair up against her!

    My mom is really at fault , though I don't like my wife using cuss words against her. I can clearly see my mom's intentions and I just talk to her because she is my mom and don't feel like cutting ties with her completely. All my mom wants is expensive gifts, travelling ,eating out and trying to drive the son against her DIL. She thinks I've an unllimited source of funds just because I happen to live in the US. How can a mother be so inimical to her son ? My wife kept warning me about my mother and I kept ignoring her. My story is pretty similar to the story of the movie beta ( In the movie the son is not a biological son so quite understandable ..but I'm her biological son!)

    I don't want to disown my mom completely.I still call her and check on her. I still send her some money enough to take care of herself.

    My wife and I are going to move back to India and I assured that I will not let my mother bother her during her pregnancy and beyond. Wife is is her 15th week now and hopefully everything goes well this time. My wife has still not completely forgiven me and I'm patiently waiting. I really want to be a better husband. Is there anything else I need to do to win her heart back ?

    I was really pained to see so many girls on this forum going through what my wife went through. I hope my wife becomes a better MIL than my mom.


    Regards,
    Jay
     
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  2. swathiZ

    swathiZ New IL'ite

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    OMG OMG OMG !!!!

    I cant believe my eyes that I read something like this. And that too posted in a public forum.

    Jay Wish you all the best, your wife a safe delivery and a Happy move back home:thumbsup
     
  3. JayDixit

    JayDixit Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you swathiZ for your wishes. Unfortunately this is how its been for us and I do not expect my mom to change.
     
  4. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Hi Jay,

    This is an unique post! I am sorry to hear about the mom and her shifted priorities. YES. such moms do exist.

    Hope you and your DW can put this behind and move on with life.
    The new you that you have realized in you will convey yourself to her over time. Actions speak louder than words.. your new ways of dealing matters without someone's influence and your genuine love for her would surely win back your wife's heart eventually.

    The hurt and how long it takes to heal all depend on how bad was the hurt. But time is a sure healer. So you be you.

    My best wishes to your family.
     
  5. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Jay,

    I'm really glad that you understood your mom's intention.. Yes, it is true that even biological mothers can behave so.. Sometimes, looking at such behaviors, i lose faith in the word 'mother'.. Some one on this forum once said, there is nothing like bad MIL or DIL.. It is just that they are bad people by nature.. May be your mom was so even to her other relatives..
    Sometimes, we'll be so blindfolded by our own mother that refuse to see the truth.. We blindly abet such wrong doings.. There are lot of men out there who are still doing injustice to their own wives.. There are lot of women silently suffering in the name of marriage.. I hope such men realize their mistakes and work towards putting life into their marriages..
    Even i suffered a lot during postpartum because of my MIL and my husband blindly dancing to her tunes.. My husband used to eat in one plate with his sister.. But i firmly believe that truth will triumph.. One day, may be, my husband may realize the true colors of his mother..

    But then, i feel it is the same with mama's girls too.. If a woman listens blindly to her mother and let her parents walk all over her spouse, then the marriage would be a disaster.. It is very important for both man and the woman to keep their FOOs from manipulating and affecting their marriage..

    Coming to your last question -
    I think it'll take time for your wife to forget.. Time heals.. So be faithful to her to rekindle the lost happiness..

    GoodLuck
     
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  6. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Jay

    All I can say is wishing you and your wife happy times ahead and hope your wife delivers a healthy and happy baby!!! Am glad that atleast you figured out what was going wrong (its not fault finding exercise..but its about finding out the cause of the stress and tension!!!). As you have already apologized to your wife about all this just concentrate on your wife and your kid and yourself for a while. Yeah do check on your mom and her needs (basic needs to lead a comfortable life) however pls do stop sharing and involving her in your marital day to day happenings and issues.
     
  7. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    Strange post. Try to lead a balanced life. That'll help you in the long run.
     
  8. aruna_077

    aruna_077 Senior IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    I really can't believe this post came from a man.

    I really appreciate that you now REALIZE.

    All the very best for your future. :thumbsup:thumbsup:thumbsup
     
  9. JayDixit

    JayDixit Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot everyone for going through my post and for the words of encouragement. The reason for my candid post was an attempt to lighten the burden I was carrying in my head for a long time. I feel greatly releived now.


    Thanks again for taking the time to read my post and for the kinds words.

    Regards,
    Jay
     
  10. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Jay, thanks a lot for this wonderful post... if its true and you're not faking an identity.
    It does bring hope to many wives like me who're waiting for their D day.

    Finally it can also tell a few readers who feel that the husband is bad in such marriages if he is completely influenced by his mother and a common suggestion for many posters is...should be left for the good.

    I wish you.... all the best for the life ahead.. you shall succeed even if your mother curses you to core.. which my DH's mother does whenever he tries to get de-influenced of her.
     
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2010

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