Confessions of a DIL

it is not the number of years of training kamaths, it all depends on the "meritorious Guru"

for instance, Bubblygal's Guru is more accomplished than mine, My Guru is more accomplished than yours.:biggrin2:

sorry babes.. you will reach there.. have patience.:hide:

On a more serious note: you will be a doormat until a you feel that you are a doormat. Know your importance, your rights and you will come out of it. ignore her and listen to your conscience. you are only answerable to God. It took me 2.5 years to wisen up

 

I got this advice from my family friend ,some 4 years back.Still I remember it often.

We need not stoop too much to satisfy their ego.in course of time ,we loose our self esteem.

Not only physical abuse,emotional abuse should also not be encouraged.

We DILs sometimes indirectly encourage this abuse by tolerating their nonsense.

This thread gives some idea about a few tactics we follow to show the ILs that we are not their door mats.

 

My mil can be best described in this site
http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html
I find it exhausting to even describe the way she behaves. I was one who always had a highlydeveloped guilt conscience and it was very damaging for my self esteem to deal with a self absorbed person like her. The best thing is to keep ourselves awayemotionally from them and maintain only the minimum interaction. Talk to them moreand before you know it, you will be pulled into something which is for their benefit. After12 years of marriage, I am emotionally tired of them...

Anyway, recently she made an int. travel about which dh and I were not told about, even though the whole of her relatives know. After three days of reaching she called me, seeing the number I understood she reached xyz city and just casually asked her. She was taken aback that I took it casually though the purpose of the call was to show how low we are for her priority wise. Ialso showed her that she is not a priority for us too by not reacting.

Recently we celebrated our new year day. She called me on the day so I will wish her dd and snil with whom she is now. I purposely pretended ignorance of her wish, talked casually and cut the phone. None of my inlaws wished on my dd's bday so I dont feel any obligation.

My dh used to be an unofficial atm for his family, but the remote of his spending used to be with his family. According to my mil,he should always listen to his brother since he is so capable. My bil changed his job and my mil was worried.
Mil: what if tomorrow, there is a problem with his job, he needs atleast 1 lakh to sustain for 3 months. ( cue for me to say, dont worry we will take care, even though they never cared about our probs)
Me: dont worry about such things. They are clever ppl as u always say, they can take care of themselves

 

Hmm i am bored of fighting i want entertainment !Well although she said sorry end of the day i did feel bad, i have always fought with my mom but never expected her to say sorry, however all these emotions are locked in me, if i slightly show affection or emotion to mil she would pounce on me!
I would hate to call it an achievement all i expect from her is to be lovable to me treat me as a family member, i dont know if it will happen but if it does my happiness has no bounds!

 

If my guru hears this she will ask for dakshina!ssssssssssssh!:shhh:

 

My FIL wants to keep a track on where his DIL goes on pretext of morning walk... so he wud go and sit at the block entrance .. while am taking brisk rounds....

For the last round... I took a re-route and via some other block took basement lift upto my home :rotfl:rotfl:rotfl and :coffee

FIL :shock::bang wasted so many precious 007 hrs

 

That is so funny!!!!!!

 

Ideally that is the way to treat in-laws . Can you think of some funny idea in order for not to sit for the whole day or for the whole time for my MIL and co-sister's guests?

 

On a more serious note: you will be a doormat until a you feel that you are a doormat. Know your importance, your rights and you will come out of it. ignore her and listen to your conscience. you are only answerable to God. It took me 2.5 years to wisen up[/QUOTE]

it is eaiser said than done.... if your dh does not support you and with kids it complicates matters more..... occasionally when i oppose something.... i.e. only when things get our of hand the home evnironment gos for a toss... it affects all my kids , dh.... so i feel it is best to ignore and bottle up rather than talk and fight a lonenly battle.

 

This reminds me exactly of my MIL when she came to stay with us for first time. And there was even an extension to this...just read on !

All this clearing plates was new to me, as we were used to washing our own plates. I didnt know that there were military rules in their house, and as naive as I was then, I used to simply get up after having my dinner, as I had to go and do the dishes. I was full-time working and we didnt have a maid as it was manageable. Oh yes, my husband would help doing the dishes, which came to know the notice of MIL during her stay that blood would come out of her eyes instead of tears!

Once she noticed this, she asks me - have you both divided your chores. I was too naive, and I just replied yes, not expecting the next lecture she would give. She even told me that work inside house should be done by ladies, and she went on to say that give any kind of outside work to her son, but not dishes and all!!!! I just listened, but was irritated by this advice. I told my husband then itself, and he said that let her tell anything, I will continue to help

So, back to the original sequence, I used to get up to do some dishes after dinner, so I would go first.
After a few days, suddenly she shouts at me to sit down and not get up, just when I was about to get up after eating. I was like what the hell, and gave a blank look on my face at DH. At that moment instead of letting me go, DH started explaining that in their place, we should get up only after elders get up !!!! :spin:spin That time I was fuming. I kept quiet. On top of this, she would dump her plates on mine or leave her plate for me to pick it up after I ate. All this started building up in me, and eventually all this erupted as a volcano from me, within a few months!

Now, I am the trained & experienced DIL thumbsup. I have clearly said that all this washing plate business is not mine. Now, not even once I wait for her. I finish my food fast, get up earlier than her and if I have to keep away dishes, I keep all except hers!! Or if I see that she finishes, I add a few more salads to my plate, keep munching, talk to my DD and ignore her. Now she doesnt say a word. If she does, I will give back nicely. And incidentally, today after lunch, she got up before me leaving her plate, and she came back. I simply pointed to her plate to take it away !!!

Not that I am so mean, but for a person like her, who didnt give me time to adjust to a new environment, and so many more things about her, I just cannot do it!!! Now anything ulta she does, she will get it for surely from me!!