Condolence Etiquette

ya tat day it was hell fr them cant frgt till day

 

I want to start this post by quoting Joan Didion- "Nothing I read about grief seemed to exactly express the craziness of it; which was the interesting aspect of it to me - how really tenuous our sanity is".

Grief hits in waves. It's not an emotion that will pass with certain period of time. Grieving is a process.

Do’s in India-

--If you are relative- please bring food, anything would do. Don’t question the family for how long. However long, how much ever quantity you can contribute. Please do so. In some customs like my family, the grieving family is not supposed to cook until the 11th /13th-day ceremony, however, the grieving family won't be in any shape to cook for awhile.


--In some family customs its ok to give clothes to the grieving family. Instead of clothes, please give hard cash. Yes, that’s what I said.

--Giving clothes to the grieving family is one such old customs that is followed in my family and it was so painful for my mother to receive clothes! She had informed well before to my relatives that she won't be following these customs. Still many of my relatives just made her go through this, this particular one was very hard to her. On the other hand, much more sensitive relatives just handed over cash to my mom. My mother was very appreciating of this act- because nobody would have made plans to pass away. All our funds were locked away and even getting to the bank to get the money became a task! When some relatives just handed her cash- it was an act which was much appreciated.

--If you are a relative please try to spend the night with the grieving family. Ask them, if they are ok with you being in their house. Every family/ every person is different. This is something that helped our family.


--Please don’t recollect good old days. If you are relative to the grieving family, just go with the flow with the grieving family. If the family is recollecting memories be there as their ears.


--As a relative/ friend you will be grieving too… Your grieving shouldn’t overshadow theirs.


--If possible/ if needed (talk with the family)- take an initiation in the 11th/ 13th-day ceremony- In arranging things- cards to be printed/ photos printed/ tents that need to hitched/ managing food.

--After one passing away- the grieving family will need some extra hand in collecting the death certificate and such to secure all the legal stuff in India. If possible if you are able to do these things. Please give them a hand. No one should go to the govt office stand in a line to get these certificates while they are grieving.


DONT’s in India

--Sometimes the shock of passing away takes awhile to be accepted by the family members. Yes being a relative/ friend you will be shocked too... but it's much personal/ greater loss for the immediate family. Don’t show your regret of how/ why things weren’t different.

--In Indian society everything is a life lesson- Please don’t ask the grieving family what insurance/ what diet/ lifestyle they were going through. This moment is not a life lesson for you to improve your lifestyle.

--After the 11th-day ceremony- people visit the grieving family. If you are doing so, don’t stare at their TV/ vase/ curtains or ask for the house tour! This particular thing annoyed my sibling and I. I even told one of these people who asked for a house tour- its very rude to ask such a thing.

--When you are visiting grieving family don’t recollect your experience with passing away stories. This happened to us. One of my relatives just started to talk about her father. It was like wtf! I can understand she was trying to relate—but it was so unnecessary.

--Cultural/ customs-We all live in a neo-tradtional Indian culture. There are no hard set rules on tradition being followed. Please be respectful of the grieving family wishes on these matters and don’t question them. If you are relative and you are a believer in these customs- don’t make the grieving family go through just coz you believe in it. Live let live!


--Don’t overburden the grieving family what are the precautionary measure they have to take. In my case, my aunts and uncles started to pour advice on where my mother should live- without even she asking for it. I remember my family friend insisting on grilling up the house. I was like jeez.. these things will be thought out and dealt with.

--Don't question about the 11th/ 13th-day ceremony- Why, how, where or by who its done.If you are not the one who took an initiation with these thing with grieving family- please spare them your judgments of how the ceremony was conducted.

 

i accept all your points in Don't's particularly 3, 4, 6 and 7 seriously yar got very angry of these in my personal experiences too

 

Last but not least, switch off your mobiles when you are attending a funeral. I have seen many insensitive souls fiddling with their mobiles, taking calls or making one. Most disgraceful act!

Agatha83

 

Dear @guesshoo ,

Congratulations on being nominated to the FP of the month by @Laks09 for this post.

Very thoughtful of you to write about this. A tragedy or death is not easy to handle for anybody, be it family or friends. For those affected by it, a part of their world would have come tumbling down especially if the death is an untimely one. Well, what is 'timely' where death is concerned! It is so final and so devastating.

Paying condolences is a delicate issue. As you said, some go about it callously...knowingly or unknowingly. Some are vary of such situations and some just know how and what to say. Given that, it is good to have a referral point.

Even then, I wonder if we can always do the exact right thing as emotions can play havoc. Especially in a country like India where we are often verbal and loud about such things, less may be too less said and more may be terrible too. Considering that in some parts of India, one engages wailers to cry in order to show the enormity of the loss, one wonders!

However, I for one would say what comes out from my heart but with utmost care and restraint. A reference thread such as this would definitely be a great help for anyone!

L, Kamla

 

Dear @Rihana ,

Congratulations to you for this reply has been nominated to FP of the month by @Laks09 !

I see why Laks found it so worthy. You have given a very impressive don'ts and do's while dealing with such a delicate situation.

I tend to believe that no one wants to add more hurt to a bereaving family. But many are awkward in such situations and tend to mess up whatever it is they wanted to convey.

It is good that some of you have put out some valuable points here and it sure will serve as a good reference when needed. Unfortunately, all of us need it at one time or the other.

L, Kamla

 

@guesshoo a nice post and many fall short on this etiquette.. i just meet the elders,listen to what they talk rather than ask any, you know the grief makes people want to talk, scream,cry or just reminiscence things, and they need someone to listen. with people who are my age, a hug or a pat that just says i am with you and nothing more, i just be there for sometime, trying to help with the handling of things (if i can, you tend to get to understand when you are there without stamping any big egos..) and with kids, the best thing i know is to give them a shoulder to cry, and hug..sometimes i feel adults don't understand what goes on in the kids (by kids i mean the ones who understand death in a way..the 5 to 20) and just tell them to call me whenever they want to talk.
I abhor some who just visit for the sake of coming, and fret about going back to take a bath and much more..everything is so obvious in their body language..

Sometimes being there, being silent, but a willful presence is all that needs..the respect to the departed soul and compassion to the grieving family.

 

What a thoughtful thread. These points should be considered not just for condolences but even for when people visit someone who is terminally or in the respite care. Recently my dad was fighting for life, I had completely lost myself and was crying day and night. Last thing I needed was some xyz aunties telling me how I need to be strong for own family, how my daughter needs me and how I am ignoring my daughter on this india visit while looking after my dad.

I really hated when people told me that how I should be thankful that my dad is 65, we have still spent a good time with him as compare to some xyz has with their dad.

My dad had developed a bad lung condition along with other illnesses. He completely lost it at a time and one of his friend had the nerve to tell him that how my dad has to put on the strong face for the sake of the family. God really ??? I felt like pushing that uncle off the balcony.

During these tough times if the most affected person is resting, visitors should not be so hell bent on meeting that person. Do not ask the affected family how it happened, when it happened, what did the doctor say. They hav probably repeated these things countless times. Repeating these details is a very tiring part.

As viswa sir has mentioned diffrent people grieve diffrently. If someone one wants to be alone during this tough time let them be. Just be around but let them stay alone until they want to spend time with themselves.

Some people are really insensitive, recently a friends freind lost her 37 year old husband just with in 10 minutes. It was very heart breaking. A donation appeal was started to help her out. With the help of some kind souls good fund was collected. One of the lady may have also made some donation and she would shamelessly brag about the amount she donated. If you are helping the family out in some way out of your own will , do not sing songs of that.

Just be there or be available when needed, without burdening them or questioning them or endless advise of be strong and all that.

 

Thanks for posting the Do's and Dont's. Learned few things.