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Competitiveness / Comparision Between Co-sisters And Sil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mrudulapr, Aug 24, 2020.

  1. mrudulapr

    mrudulapr New IL'ite

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    My co-sis is a near perfect DIL and she wants to show she is better than me. She could cook well for a large number of people, overtaken my performance level in the organization I work for in competition with me, does everything her husband and MIL asks her to do and works 10-12 hrs a day, doesn't go out alone, they don't eat out or have pizzas or burgers. A goody goody person. I like eating out ( not too much ), I would like to work limitedly. I read novels. Dont know how to make a rangoli. For my DH, cosis and SIL are the ideal women and he married me assuming I will be like my co-sis. Nothing is secret with my DH, he reports everything to my MIL and she reports everything to BIL and SIL families. If I do something - they show they can do better. My cosis deliberately baits me by commenting slyly about what my DH reports- mostly the whole family deliberately put me down.If they do well - its good for them. What works for someone does not work for others. We live in same apartment and DH,BIL,Cosis and me work for same organization. Nowdays I tend to avoid them. I visit on special occasions but I cant go to their house and this upsets my DH a lot and has caused a lot of problems between DH and me. If they drink warm water we must drink warm water and it goes on and on for everything.
    I am over weight and started exercising and immediately my co-sis started and lost weight too. My DH is not smart like his brother and neither is he hard working but that does not stop him from comparing. My BIL and me are in same position, co-sis is one step lower and DH a few steps down. I am getting nightmares about my BIL and Co-sis getting promotion. Want to take it in a humorous way but failing miserably. Five years of married life, I get upset and inevitably take it out on DH. It gets reported and the cycle goes on. Now even their children point out my mistakes, look down at me. I am projected as a lazy,headstrong person who doesn't respect them. I am also stubborn and I do things in my own way. Don't mind a good suggestion from others but I can't accept and do what they say. My MIL and SIL complain about me to everybody and there were a few occasions were people who work for my SIL start advising me in an indirect or insulting way.
    I can't change DH, can't change them - but I want to stand my ground without becoming angry or continuously ruminating on what upsets me. Its affecting my career also. Any suggestions please. I started pranayama, a friend suggested counselling.
     
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  2. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Few things..

    Can you change apartments?
    Is it your family owned company and is that why you are all in the same organization?

    I understand your feelings and yeah it is tough when the other one is always competitive.It is toxic to the mind.

    Not asking you to switch apartments coz you are afraid nor it means running away.Sometimes certain things have to be done for your peace of mind.

    Slowly try to move away from them or if you are bold..communicate with them.

    Let us wait for other IL’s to help you..
    Don’t worry..some solution will arrive soon.
     
  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    The core problem is your DH. Try not rising to the bait when they start comparing and putting you down. Smile, nod and keep living your life. Also don’t engage with your husband on this topic. Do this for a few months and reevaluate.
     
    KashmirFlower and Sreevidyaa like this.
  4. Sreevidyaa

    Sreevidyaa Silver IL'ite

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    Try to change jobs. If not possible maybe join some course to update yourself. Higher studies may improve your choices of job change. One way anyone cannot talk back is if you are in a better position in respect to job. This is difficult if you all are in same company. Gossiping is possible especially given your husband’s behaviour. Try to be as much a secretive person as possible. Don’t tell anything about his family to him. If you keep to yourself the most one can tell is that she is a quiet person. Don’t ever tell your opinion to your husband or others. Your husband is the problem who cannot keep your family affairs to himself. That’s the reason why they treat you this way. No one is perfect in all ways. It’s not going to be easy to change your husband. Do you have kids because that can change your focus. Try to reduce weight. Try to take up some hobbies.
     
    KashmirFlower and Angela123 like this.
  5. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Finest Post Winner

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    What you are going thru is incredibly tough
    1) same apartment- means they have access to see number of times , what you do, what you eat, what your buying etc etc
    This is root of sibling rivalry/sis law rivalry (in Tamil they say - Oorpadi kannu - thier eyes will be watching you constantly)
    Because such people only large joint families spilt up.
    --> I believe you can't change the place of residence since your husband & bro thought they would be 'karan arjun' type bought in same place.
    So max avoid seeing them on daily basis don't let them know your routine.
    Also tell your husband to control his tongue while talking about his wife.

    2) Job - have a upper hand always in job it gives a remarkable pride in family circle.
    Why everyone in same workplace?
    -->Pls switch job - as others said do certification, do PG or keep doing certification every ,3 months. Don't let anyone know apart from your immediate boss.
    ---> build a good profile really know understand how it feels to have family members in same office. Be better than them.
    --> dress up well , change wardrobe to professional Quality, befriend your team.
    --> at office premesis never ever talk to sil or bil unless it's official. In short maintain decorum.
    --> don't try to put rangolis , do extravaganza cooking it's not needed. Be good mom, good wife & good co-worker, great boss.
    Rangoli can be printed, food can be order for 50 people ( I'm not be littling anyone some can do some others can different things) there are rangoli artists available.
    --> get yourself fit & fabulous.
    My personal experience if you earn more than them do much better it gives such happiness.
    Go gal get them.
    Don't waste time on talking or thinking having good relationship they won't extend friendship.
     
  6. mrudulapr

    mrudulapr New IL'ite

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    Thank you everyone for the responses -

    (i) Can't change apartment - Its a company provided accommodation in my name. At first, we were living away from here but at that time - it was another criticism that I was not preferring to come here
    (ii) I worked for this organization for more number of years than them.
    (iii) Unfortunately no kids.

    They are so intrusive that - even how much we spent on house shifting is also commented upon and criticized. Now a days - I started spending for everything myself - and the comment was "we are from poor background, so we spend less, you have ego that is why you are doing this". The fact is my savings are almost 4 times of what my DH has and total family expenses are half of what he spends on MIL and village property and kids - I may not have as much as my SIL or BIL but still I have enough to live by even If I quit the job now. And now they say - " I don't like him to give the money to MIL or spend on BILs kids that is why I am doing this" Anyway he spends secretely on them and I don't mind it - only the secrecy hurts.If I say I didn't marry you for money or property - he says you say it because compared to you what we have is less. This has driven a huge wedge between DH and me. Now I almost feel relieved that he is not at home much but I am only thinking about how isolated I am becoming. Wondering why I married.
     
  7. netflx

    netflx Silver IL'ite

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    Does that mean you cannot find a different job?
     
  8. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I think the whole issue is described on one sentences as quoted above.

    You can be stubborn and live alone. You can be stubborn and do things on your own way at your parental home. They can either accept it with love, criticize it but then give in to your way for love, or ignore it because they can't afford to lose you.
    But that won't be the case when you live with others, specially in an Indian context, when you are living with in laws & BIL's family around, it is natural that people pick on your bad qualities.

    The easy going, simple, down to earth persons are mostly liked, and accepted in any family setting. Looks like your co-sister is one of such kind; hence the whole family likes her.

    You sound as if you are suffering from either inferiority or superiority complex.
    Superiority complex is probably because of the fact that you worked in this organization for many years and holds a superior position than them. So, naturally you would consider yourself as a superior person; hence have authority even in the family by expecting higher level of respect from others.
    Though your co-sis, H and BIL works below your grade, they no longer be your colleagues/subordinates at home. They are family at home, and you all are same the moment you step out of your work place. Period.

    Inferiority complex is probably because 1) They are climbing the career ladder more faster, and would probably reach to your position in no time. Their growth may threaten you.
    2) You are childless, it is not at all your fault. But in our context, understandably women without children have a lot to go through. It can naturally force them to inferiority complex with their counterparts.

    Dear sister!
    Understanding your problem itself a solution to it. You need self introspection!!!

    There is nothing wrong in copying good things from others.
    I stated doing exercise only after my best friend started it. I lost more weight than her, because I became more addicted to it, and was strict on my diet too.
    If my best friend is angry on me for copying her exercise or losing more weight than her, then the problem lies with her - not with me.

    There is nothing wrong in working at your home
    I work a lot at my home too. Despite of earning well, and working full time at office, I have a lot to do at home front too. Because I love interior decor, cooking, and doing many things on my own than depending on a maid. This covid19 has made it impossible to get help, so I work like your co-sis like 10-12 hrs per day. Cook a lot, serve others with love.
    What's wrong with it?
    My co-sister doesn't cook much, and doesn't slog with household chores. So, these days with the absence of maid her house looks slightly messy. So obviously anyone can compare our houses, and comment on it.
    But I am sure my co-sis doesn't take it to her heart, because it was her choice to keep her home messy by not working at home. You can't have the cake & eat it too!
    Choice is yours!!!

    Having said that, it is not wrong to be yourself.
    Being stubborn, being lazy, being selective etc..etc... are human qualities. It is neither wrong nor right!
    Just that, these qualities come with their own complements.
    You can't be stubborn and expect to be called as soft.
    You can't be lazy and expect to be called as diligent.

    Stress comes when you have a huge gap between the reality and expectation. When the gap is closed, stress is gone.
    Have a nice day!
     
  9. mrudulapr

    mrudulapr New IL'ite

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  10. mrudulapr

    mrudulapr New IL'ite

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    SGBV thank you for your perspective.

    I too don't have a maid and I do house work by myself but I do like to go out. I do take advice and I am generally supposed to be easy-going. I am not able to accept them.

    Cant leave the job because that means I have to leave this city -

    They compare co-sis to me also and she just gets agitated when I do some new things and go somewhere outstation on job. I know she also finds it difficult. She does it to impress her DH. But still she keeps giving sly comments.

    Why don't they compare the brothers to each other - that they will not do.



    I find it difficult to respect my MIL and SIL mainly because - (i) they had read my old diaries secretly and keep commenting indirectly about what I had written
    (ii) When we were living in separate house - my MIL had gone and asked one neighbor to keep tabs on me - whether I am at home or some one is coming to our home when my husband is not at home. (iii) My MIL even suspected that I had given a wedding gift(an electric stove) to my parents when I had just kept it packed in a different shelf- these are only some examples.

    But as the saying goes " this too shall pass"
     

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